Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

I agree with that entirely, which is exactly why he shouldn't be boycotting the wedding and OP shouldn't be entertaining the idea in the slightest. He has chosen to goad someone then chosen to be offended by something which he doesn't fully understand the nuance of.

He's got all this privilege but not one iota of self awareness as to what his words actually meant with regards to his cousin, typical teenager, but ruining the wedding is a step too far in my book.. and shows how entitled he thinks he is.

@Katiesaidthat But we don't know if she is unmarried, only that she is a single parent. She could be unmarried, or divorced, or widowed. And some Muslims do have children as unmarried mothers - either because they lapse and then come back, or maybe because they convert.
Anyone, the point was not that SIL might really be Muslim, which doesn't seem likely, but that pretending to be CofE wasn't an option for everyone, and this was just one example of why.

He is young though @sandyhappypeople.
I very much suspect he hadn't thought things through fully.

Really? I know some who are divorced, even widowed, but popping out kids unmarried? Must be massively progressive muslims you know. The ones I know would be horrified if their daughters did this.

I don't understand this fashion for letting arguments result in decades of acrimony. What's the point? Just go to the wedding. Your kids are quite right to resent their aunt's attitude, but you don't bin a wedding over a disagreement that is really quite complicated and does have more than one angle.

I was talking about how to do exams which I DEFINITELY was taught at my non private school.

Cynically I have concluded that the VAT on fees was to fire up the party and stoke division. Really can’t see any benefit to state schools for at least a generation. I’ve yet to see any plan for improving our state schools other than “more teachers” which is very a empty plan.

Tearing a page from the American political playbook! Stoke hate.

@comfortablynumber just wanted to say that it's nice to see somebody ask a question and then take the comments on board without getting defensive! Kudos to you.

I hope you can sort it. Don't fall out with family over this.

Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere.

To be honest I think your son was really goady here, he knows full well why she is annoyed about the influx of privately educated children now wanting to go into the locals schools, and what effect that is having on children like hers who have struggled without the benefit of a private education. It's not because she thinks he should go to a shit school at all, but that would potentially be the outcome if she had her way with a system which makes it fairer for kids like hers, so she can't deny that.

It's the same as her saying 'so you think my child should go somewhere not great for their A levels, because he hasn't had the benefit of a private education and all the places should now only be reserved for higher achievers who have paid to get where they are' He thinks the places should be reserved for higher achievers, so by association he thinks her son doesn't deserve a place, but she hasn't made him say that.. because it IS goady and she knows that is not a true reflection of his feelings.

She was being honest about her feelings on a subject which is effecting people less fortunate, and he was being entitled and goady by making it into a personal argument rather than a general discussion.. he's being massively unreasonable to boycott the wedding over it. This school situation is really divisive.. but he's in a position of priveledge to have had the opportunities he has had, he should not be using that entitlement to argue that her son should be happy with the shitty end of the stick.

OP has said a few times that’s she sympathetic to all this. The issue is the argument and the wedding attendance as a result.

It was personal because she was relating it to her neice and nephews education plans. Adults shouldn't have have a go about this stuff to kids.

As an English teacher I would say that's an example of appalling teaching in a state school. That gave them no critical skills and would not stand them in good stead at A-level or to go to university. They were being coached to pass the exam perhaps, but not coached in the sense the poster meant. That's an example of a school doing students a real disservice.

Does SIL disapprove of your choice to educate your children privately due to an ideological viewpoint or because she can't afford it?

It does seem unfair that loads of 6th form places will be taken up by children who have had all the advantages of private education. Would the issues that your nephew has experienced be taken into account by the school when making a decision whether to offer him a place?

As you know already- your children need to go to this wedding OP.

There are other less divisive subjects than education. He needs to learn to read the room.

This is wrong. Our DC go to a private school because we live in a beautiful but v deprived area and the state schools are shocking.

School is a big subject for a teenager. It’s hardly the euthanasia debate. It’s pretty much their entire lives. And most normal people are able to talk about school without a grown adult having a hissy fit. If she didn’t like it, she had the option to change the subject or ask her nephew what he is doing at school at the moment, what his weekend plans are, a whole range of reactions other than what she did.

Muslims can be single parents.

You're missing my point though. It's not just the case of holding their nose and showing up at church for every family - people have different faiths, no faith, moral oppositions to religious schooling etc. Presumably the SIL would have done exactly that if it was an option for her.

How do you know? Have you attended every private school and every state school? The comprehensive near me taught GCSE English lit students how to pick out the key words in the question to identify what kind of question it was and then choose one of 5 pre-memorised essays to write out verbatim. A good part of Year 11 was spent on perfecting the essays and memorising them. My friend admitted to me that she hadn't actually read the book, just watched the movie and read a few excerpts they'd read in class.

That sounds a lot like coaching to the exam to me, whereas at the private school I went to, we were expected to turn up on the first day of Year 10 having read the book and ready to answer questions on it. We spent to two years picking apart the text and analysing it and then had to go into the exam and use what we'd been taught to come up with a good answer.

The nephew should have kept to safer topics

‘It is a good opportunity for you to model this to your dc for them to learn from it.’

this - your children need to understand that you can vehemently disagree on certain topics and still be friend with someone. And as for with family - well, you’re sort of stuck with them.

They also aren’t going to get very far in the real world if they want to play being at being ‘victims’ because of their privilege…

She’s unmarried with teenage kids
She wants her child to go to a Christian school
She didn’t mention Islam.

while not absolute, these indicate that your suggestion that she is a devout Muslim is incorrect.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

Of course some kids are more privileged than others. That is life. She chose actively to spoil a family dinner by acting up and airing her views in front of children. It is not your kids’ fault they have had better chances and it doesn’t sound like they were rude or entitled. They simply stated their sixth form plans and she kicked off. Why should they tiptoe round her?

Not that simple if, for example, she's a devout Muslim though is it.

Perhaps see if you can leave it until the end of the week (no later I suggest) and if your DC still feel the same. Suggestions made about how to speak with them are good ones I think.