Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Yes, ‘sucking it up’ is ultimately what is meant, especially when the aunt hasn’t even bothered to apologize.

Again, while you can ask a 14 and 15 year old to acquiesce to your wishes, it isn’t something they can be made to do if they feel that strongly about not doing it.

What is the compromise here exactly? Giving the aunt exactly what she wants isn’t a compromise, it’s rolling over. Personally, not rolling over when people treat me badly, family or not, has only ever served me well in life. A lesson my parents taught me, funnily enough. Served them very well too.

To be a right bastard, couldn't the wedding money have been better spent on her son's final year of education at a private school to afford him the privileges this brings?

I've no idea how much they are spending on the wedding fyi, could be 5k could be 25k

The kids aren’t responsible for sucking it up because it best suits the aunt, or indeed family harmony, and tbh ‘family can treat you however they like but if you react you’re the problem, because faaamily’ is a shitty lesson to teach.

I never said they were responsible, but if we all stuck 100% to our own moral compass, it'd be a lonely world. Sometimes we do stuff we don't want, and sometimes other people do stuff they don't want. - Read again what I wrote, you can reason with a 15-year-old and have an adult conversation with him and if after they still do not want to listen that's when you have to play hardball, start removing privileges if you need to.

Sometimes, we must make adult decisions for our children, regardless of whether they agree. If you're teaching your kids 'me me me and no one else matters, then that is a pretty shitty lesson also.

I'll be honest. If this were our family mix, i.e., we all get together on Sunday. There are four different families, ages 70-1, and there are 15 of us every week. We all have very different social backgrounds. This would be a difference of opinion, with some people realising they are better off than others, be that financial, job security, houses, etc. Sadly, we are all dealt different cards in life. You play the hand you are dealt or reshuffle.

The reshuffle of not attending a wedding sounds like a bad deal; play your hand, suck it up, deal with it, move on.

You first.

“Even if it is a case of the former, you don’t educate people by ranting at them. If anything by doing so you make it far more likely that you’ll alienate them.”

I asked a question, I did not make a statement that he isn’t ignorant. It may very well be the case that he is, but making a comment about looking forward to his new school isn’t a controversial or ignorant statement that necessitates and justifies the aunt ‘going off’.

If your children perform well you cant even imagine how stressful it is to have a child who struggles. The stress and pressure is enormous on every level non stop, so with a wedding on top I will cut your SIL slack and tell children to go and be nice and polite as life is not so simple. Of course SIL cares about them but she worries about her own child and cares about her child more and she is 100% right: with the background he has, your son will succeed at any 6th form whereas hers not. Of course she couldn’t explain this openly it’s something you should do quietly at home.
I remember how unfair I was to one of my cousins who struggled at school (Im sure now he has dyslexia). As a high performing student I couldn’t understand his struggles at all and was very judgy with my direct teenage comments. Now when I’m on the other side - a parent of a struggling child, I’m much more understanding and careful with my comments.

The OP has literally admitted herself he is ignorant to his privilege. How about you get off your soapbox and stop making stuff up to fit your own agenda ?

Has everyone forgot that within this exchange there is also OPs daughter (who is also privately educated), who doesn't seem to have been an active participant in the exchange (according to the OP's posts) yet she has been cited as being upset by the whole exchange to the extent that she also no longer wishes to participate in the wedding?
That would suggest that what the aunt said was pretty awful (in the 14 & 15yr olds opinions). Sure OP can talk to her children and minimise/explain their aunt's behaviour and hopefully the children can be bigger people in the whole situation and rub along for the sake of the day but behind the scenes, the relationship is damaged regardless. How damaged depends on exactly what happened/what was said. From the OP's posts however, I do feel that the aunt does have an apology of her own to make.

My point wasn’t regarding what you should or shouldn’t do, my point was that you can’t make someone do something if they feel strongly enough about not doing it.

The aunt very clearly instigated it by lashing out at an innocuous comment the son made about looking forward to his new school. He didn’t ’bait her’. She chose to lash out and make it about her own issues, and she’s now choosing not to extend an apology in an attempt to resolve things. The kids aren’t responsible for sucking it up because it best suits the aunt, or indeed family harmony, and tbh ‘family can treat you however they like but if you react you’re the problem, because faaamily’ is a shitty lesson to teach.

I have a 16-year-old lad who feels strongly, very strongly sometimes, about not attending college on a Tuesday as it's a half day. Should I just let him stay at home?

It's simple, really; you tell them what to do. As I said, they may not always agree with you, but at 15, you can reason with him and explain the consequences of his actions by not going, not just what that has or could potentially have on him but also on his mom, dad, and wider family.

What sounds like a typical family chat got a tiny bit heated; neither is entirely wrong or right; you can argue all day long about the SIL biting her tongue and her son not baiting the SIL - Bloody hell, who hasn't been wound up by a teenager.

if you can't move past this, then I fear for the family dynamic as a whole - you have to be able to speak openly and honestly, sometimes knowing your opinion may upset someone else and a 15-year-old lad is going to have zero tact in how they put stuff across - they are harsh, straight to the point and will have had no malice around what he was saying, kids would assume that there are unlimited places - why wouldn't they, they are children and still learning.

The root of the problem here is that there are no good state schools other than one you need to be religious to get into. It's an appalling situation.

You’d think that as an adult she’d be aware that while she may choose to start shit, she can’t control the response of the person on the receiving end.

‘Proportion’ is a matter of opinion. I don’t believe it’s out of proportion at all to want to have little to do someone that lashed out at you, didn’t attempt to apologize, and still expected you to do what they wanted. If it is whipped up into something that upsets everyone, then the blame for that lies at the aunt’s feet.

In a situation where someone was abusive or extremely personally insulting you would have a point but it's a question of proportion. This was just an argument that got out of hand and turned a bit personal. The aunt shouldn't have pursued it with the kids but OP's son's retort turned it personal. There's no need for this to be whipped up into something that will upset everyone.

The aunt’s resentment can be inferred just from reading the OP.

Why did she need to point out the inequalities? He was telling his aunt he was looking forward to going to his new school - hardly controversial. She took it as an opportunity to ‘go off’, get on her soapbox and make it about her opinions.

Is he ignorant to his privilege? Or does he just not feel the need to grovel for it? Even if it is a case of the former, you don’t educate people by ranting at them. If anything by doing so you make it far more likely that you’ll alienate them.

Then it’s on her to apologize and attempt to resolve the issue. The ‘hurricane’ is the consequence of her own actions, and if she wants to avert that then she needs to be the one to swallow her pride and reach out to them, not expect them to do what she wants because she considers herself entitled to lash out without reaction.

‘Two wrong don’t make a right’ is a tedious cliche often trotted out to encourage people to shut up and accept shitty behavior when they have no responsibility to do so. It’s not at all unreasonable to distance yourself from someone that considers themself justified to treat you badly.

I accept that you have your own opinion and that’s fine to have but it seems to be based off things you have assumed which is why I don’t agree with you. I don’t see any resentment from the Aunt - she’s simply pointing out the inequalities and from OPs own words her son is ignorant to his privileges. 🤷‍♀️

Well, yes, the Aunt could apologise for escalating the argument but two wrongs don't make a right and not attending the wedding would be a disproportionate response which, as other people have said ,would whip up a minor storm into a hurricane.
There will always be annoyances, I don't think it's appropriate to get on your high horse over every minor offence. (I demand an apology!!! etc.)

@OhTediosity i agree with you, I just put it badly. Probably because it irritates me so much when people bang on about privilege of private school kids when in many cases there is no real privilege above what state school kids get.

Yes, which is why I specifically listed admissions based on faith, academic selection, and postcode in my post.

Yes, seriously.

I will take your recommendations into consideration, and perhaps in turn you could consider working on your ability to accept differing opinions.

Perhaps the aunt could shoulder the responsibility for causing any rift, given that it was her actions that prompted it.

The onus was on her to not lash out, it’s not on them to accept her shit.

Seriously? I think you need to work on your reading comprehension and critical thinking skills.

Plenty of state schools offer that too though, as long as you live in the right catchment. It is not something that is limited to private schools.

Of course it is - they’re privileged so they’re obliged to accept ill treatment because of it? Their privilege is something they must compensate others for, in the form of meekly shouldering their aunt’s resentment?

Fuck that. That’s ignorance.

Sorry, my reply was in agreement with @OhTediosity & expanding on that.

It also buys a certain number of children in a class, so students get much more attention / support etc to help them achieve higher grades than they would in a state school.

Alongside that, there are many many less DCs with SEN or behavioural issues that disrupt lessons, allowing staff to focus on teaching rather than having to deal with such issues.

The overall environment is filled with DCs who have families who support & value education as compared to state schools where that is not necessarily the case.

All in all, kids in private schools should be achieving 7-9s in GCSEs. A grade 5 in a state school (even a 'good' one) is definitely more akin to a 7 in a private school & it is a pity there wasn't some way to level the playing field for those looking to go to 6th form (& beyond).