Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Ah, such a tricky conversation.

Young people can be a bit black and white about this stuff and not realise that what they're saying can cause offence or upset.

To be honest it sounds a bit entitled and braggy of your son to be saying 50%+ of his school will be getting into the better college. It's then struck a nerve for your SIL because she's so worried about her own sons prospects. It might have come as a shock to her, and so she's responded in haste with an off the cuff opinion.

Your kids won't be sophisticated enough to realise that in the race for opportunity and resources, private school buys you an advantage. And obviously parents are paying significant amounts of money exactly for that reason.

I get that your kids might feel hurt, but a bit of empathy - which you obviously feel yourself - wouldn't go amiss.

It's not at all that she wants your kids to suffer, it's because she's feeling the inherent unfairness. We all know deep down that life's not fair, but having your nose rubbed in it by a teenager is tough.

You've done a great job of putting across a very balanced picture of the argument to us. Why not try to talk to your teens once the dust has settled? I applaid your emotional intelligence on this one. Well done for not being 100% polarised!

I have skimmed the posts on here but read your comments OP.

My first thought was. Can't blame your kids for their feelings.

However, from your first post
"Over a family Sunday lunch we were discussing plans for post GCSE education"

Why?
It's clear from your posts that this is a very sensitive subject for your SIL, her child is at a school she's not happy with and he's also being bullied and she's panicking about the next stage of his education and his chances.

Your posts are packed full of so much weighing and measuring of the various schools, the religion, the drama teacher teaching English, the grades etc etc...all the ins and outs of the education system, also (perhaps without you realising it) you attribute your own children's achievements to their better schooling.

Perhaps you don't realise how that comes across. It must have been painful for the SIL to listen to. What she said wasn't ideal, but it sounds like said it after considerable conversation about the changes in the education system which are making state sixth forms more competitive and therefore harder for her son than they would have been previously. It's not that surprising at all that your SIL reacted the way she did. This is a touchpaper subject for her and it would have been better to avoid it altogether rather than labour the point.

I think it would be harsh to add a refusal to attend her wedding. People forget conversations which didn't go their way eventually, but it's harder to forget close relatives not turning to up to a wedding.

SIL went off. It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers.

I think she's right! I also think your kids need to be told to suck it up and go to the wedding. They have enjoyed a massive privilege, they don't get to be whiny and flounce out of a wedding when that's pointed out.

I have a different take on this hence my feeling that sil absolutely needs to repair this. It is my understanding from the op that sil has consistently been rude, judgemental and unkind to them. This is nothing new, maybe she was worse than usual this time.

Nonetheless op being a people pleaser has tolerated and ignored this to keep the peace, finding excuse after excuse to overlook
very poor behaviour. This seems like the final straw to me for her dh and kids at least. They have had a gutsful of it, and now they are refusing to continue engagement.

Really who can blame them?

Sil can apologise, she can stop behaving like a bully, she can start being a proper aunt to those children and get behind them for once.

She sounds like a battleaxe to me, and the children have every right to stand up for themselves.

You all need to park your opinions about education and concentrate on the fact that this is an important family occasion. I've been in a situation where a similar thing has happened and non-attendance over another issue has caused a huge and permanent rift. It's honestly not worth it.

All go to the wedding. That goes without saying. Not going is too big to contemplate.

Daughter can choose whether to be a bridesmaid. Son can choose whether to be an usher.

Faces saved all round

Haven't read the whole thread

Your kids should fulfil their already agreed obligations

Why is it unsatisfactory one? Why is having a relationship with someone that treats you badly an outcome that should be aspired to? That’s an alien mindset to me.

The OP and her DH have been dealing with shitty comments from the SIL for years, and now she’s aiming them at their children. I’m not sure why a ‘family rift’, or specifically one that means they don’t have the deal with the SIL, is to be considered oh so terrible an outcome. Seems ideal to me.

The SIL is a grown ass adult that saw fit to vent her spleen at a 15 year old. She sure as shit can make the first move if she’s so inclined to resolve it and maintain a relationship with them.

Well I too think she has a point. That is exactly why some prestigious secondary establishments and unis give some leeway to applicants from less privileged backgrounds.
She was silly to raise the subject timing wise though, probably general stress warping her judgement? I feel for her concerns about her boy.
I do think though you need to tell the kids they are going to the wedding. If not, everyone's a loser. Time and patience will heal

Of sorts and arguably an unsatisfactory one, as it doesn’t directly address the situation at hand as outlined in the OP. We don’t know if SIL would meet in the middle because it hasn’t been any indication of everyone getting around a table. Meeting in the middle doesn’t mean making the first move.

Sometimes having little or nothing to do with someone who treats you badly is a resolution. A desired one, in fact.

The SIL isn’t trying to meet in the middle, is she?

^ this

Where’s the line? Wherever the individual in question decides it is, I imagine.

For me, someone taking an innocuous statement I made about looking forward to a school to ‘go off’ about their resentment of my education and telling me that I shouldn’t be allowed to go to a better school is a line, especially if no apology was forthcoming. Doing that, then expecting me to put myself out and do something for them on their wedding, I would consider laughable. You speak of consideration, yet it’s seems to be reserved exclusively for the SIL. Why is anger that she can’t afford private school while her brother’s family can something her niece and nephew need to compensate for by way of accepting being on the receiving end of that anger? She’s entitled to her feelings, but she isn’t entitled to lash out at others because of them. She’s responsible for choosing to do so, as she is responsible for the consequences.

OP does seem to want SIL to like her, imo. She seems to fear the ramifications of upsetting her in laws more than she does those of upsetting her own children and husband.

Your children are old enough to decide for themselves if they will go to the wedding. Your sil is old enough to apologise if she wants to clear the air.

Dh needs to advocate for his children. This could easily be cleared up with a good chat and some goodwill, but I would not force them to attend a wedding if things stay as they are. It would be unbearably awkward and strained. In reality they might well feel very resentful of you for over riding them like this.

Sil whilst entitled to her opinions should not be allowed to ride roughshod over your children like this, just because she is concerned about school places. She is misdirecting her anger and finding an easy target in your children.

I personally wouldn’t want this kind of hostility aimed at my young teens, and would be reducing contact as well as reconsidering the wedding unless she was able to make amends.

@comfortablynumber
You say in your OP - "I actually like SIL (despite being often and vocally judged)".
I think that maybe points to some people pleasing tendencies in you?
For yourself to think about that - but I would give it some thought, before you cajol your children into just turning the other cheek.

For all you know they might not have liked seeing their mother be "often and vocally judged" by their dad's sister, and this has been the final straw ....

Actually here your DH - her own brother, who's "been pissed off with her for years" might be a better judge of character / have SIL's measure, and you should follow his lead.

Nothing hypocritical about voting Labour (as the party is today anyway) whilst sending your children to Private School. In fact, supporting a party that has a policy that will cost you money is basically socialism, isn't it?

Well of course red lines are different for different people, again that was my point. In the same way people will cry at different situations, I know someone very close to me who cries at the drop of a hat, doesn’t mean that the situation warrants it, it’s how they are wired.

You can meet in the middle and there still will be an apology/apologies, in fact that is often what happens with conflict resolution. The two aren’t mutually exclusive in any way. It’s often stubbornness over perceived slights that lets resentment fester. You all need to come to the table willing to resolve things. If one side won’t do that then there can be no resolution.

MIL was starting to cry because there was an uncomfortable conflict-she'll be crying a lot more if it spills over into the wedding.
The cousin who the kids like is also going to be upset.
This may be SIL's fault but I still would encourage them strongly to go.

It is humiliating to be told you shouldn’t be allowed to apply for a sixth form, and berated for attempting to. The children clearly feel very upset, as does ops dh - this was not a minor disagreement. I don’t think it’s okay and I am on team dh on this.

Humiliating them????
Personally I think that's a bit dramatic given the nature of the argument.
To me it's all out of proportion.
If I was OP I would try talking to SIL and telling her that the kids were upset and took it personally and I would be talking to the children about where she was coming from.
It all sounds too trivial to cause a big rift and hurt the feelings of other members of the family who had nothing to do with it.

I think the red line will differ for everyone. This was a row that was big enough to cause mil, a grown woman, to cry. So this was not a minor disagreement.

Whilst meeting in the middle and understanding different views is sometimes appropriate, in this case an apology would be better. Some ownership. The children were only answering the questions they were asked - it was innocent enough. I would be very unhappy if someone treated my child this way,

People pleasing in this instance would be forcing the children to go without an apology from sil, because then you are expecting them to perform and pretend on the wedding day that nothing is wrong, it’s unethical and poor parenting. The children are then put in an awful position.

Yes it should be discussed fully, and sil needs to acknowledge that she has hurt the children’s feelings, she is entitled to her opinion of course, but honestly humiliating them in that way is a huge overstep.

Surely she must have already called and apologised. Hopefully,

I would be so conflicted, as I am constantly working on not raising people pleasers. So the idea of going to the wedding is very tricky. Why should they?
In your place dh needs to speak to sil, and she needs to apologise.

Many people these days are working on not raising "people pleasers" but it sometimes looks as if people in general are becoming more self focussed, rude and inconsiderate.
Where's the line?
Obviously we don't want to raise people who can't speak up for themselves and tolerate abuse, but do we want people who get on their high horse every time someone says something they don't like and doesn't consider the wider effects?
How do you define people pleasing and what's the difference between people pleasing and consideration of others?
I understand people pleasing as doing things for other people that you don't want to do in the hope they will like you. I don't think I would define going to the wedding as people pleasing, just considering everyone involved.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to try to clear the air before the wedding.
I would be interested in people's thoughts about what they think people pleasing is.

It’s not, it’s a straightforward approach to dealing with conflict in life. There are some things of course that are a red line, I’m just not sure this is one of them. Yes SIL has caused the rupture and I don’t think anyone is saying that this shouldn’t be addressed, my point is that sometimes both sides need to come together to resolve the conflict, rather than wait for one side to initiate it. I’m involved in conflict resolution via work and the crux of it is always to look for the middle ground, ideally facilitated by someone without skin in the game.

You added more after I had posted, so to add to my own, no one said anything about burying or pretending, I said quite the opposite. Meet it head on, find the middle ground (ideally without pointing fingers) - you can respect someone’s right to an opinion without respecting the actual opinion. There are plenty of things I have had to meet the middle with in my life, including with loved ones, it’s called compromise. Even when I have been annoyed or have disagreed.

Bloody hell, if i didnt 'rub along' with half my family, I'd never see them. There have been loads of disagreements and conflicts over the years, you learn to live with them rather than cut all ties. And no-one needs to disagree in this scenario.