Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

There's many good lessons in this situation for your children to learn, one being a decision made in the heat of an argument can have long term effects for your family relationships for a long time in future.

The other is that while every child should have access to equally good education it's clearly not the case, and an influx of private school pupils taking state school places only further disadvantages those that can't afford to pay a premium for something that should be a right. Your kids need to be aware of their privilege here and understand her side of the argument because she does have a point as you say.

None of this should have been discussed in front of the children – it's really absolutely nothing to do with them, but what's done is done now.

I do think it's 'right' that the state 6th form in question should prioritise students from the pool of local state schools who meet their criteria – but at the end of the day, that's completely up to them. I don't think the privately educated need any more of a leg up in life compared to the other children in your local area, and 6th form students are also better equipped to commute to further afield schools if they want to.

Explain to your children that inequality is a high contentious area in education (and everywhere else ...), and it will do them well in life if they can fully grasp this and apply it going forward when assessing their own privilege.

Sounds like the whole conversation was very insensitive when your children clearly don’t realise how privileged they are. SIL shouldn’t have taken out her worries on a child but I don’t think this was the best conversation to have over a meal. Not going to the wedding would make things much worse.

She wanted VAT introduced and this is the result! Why's she mad.

Could she have afforded tutors or schooling for nephew if she'd made sacrifices? She basically said your kids don't deserve a good education for their a levels. You're worried about nephew but she's not worried about hers!

I can understand why they'd want to shun her event after her tantrum. At 14 and 15, I'd let them decide. If they're big enough for her to speak to like that then they're big enough to decide themselves.

@MissyB1 She didn't make it personal. She was talking generically. DS made it personal by asking a nasty and silly question, and got bitten.

You and your DC absolutely have to go. IN the perfect world, your SIL would apologise to you and your kids because even if she has valid points, blaming two teenagers is not the answer. If she's stressed about her child and about the wedding, it's unlikely this will happen however. I would be talkign to your teens and providing them with the context you've provided here and emphasising to them that this one argument should not impact the long and happy relationship you all have.

edited to add: it's also not a bad thing for your children to understand the advantages going to private school has given them. They shouldn't feel bad for that, but a better understanding is not a bad thing.

Separately, inlight of the fact that you will have some spare cash now that your children are likely to be exiting private school, could you offer additional support to SIL in the form of paying for tutoring or similar? It's clear you are deeply sympathetic to the challenges her son has faced, and it's also clear that you and DH have good relationships with your nephew, so this could be a way to help her to even the playing field?

Remind your DC that their aunt is known for speaking without thinking. She's upset and jealous that she couldn't afford the private school and their cousin has lower attainment due to him having to go to X school.

They need to go to the wedding and speak to their aunt another time about hurtful and unkind her comment was.

Just to clarify was DSILs DS present at this conversation? Because if so, it sounds like your DS sat there and told your DSIL and his cousin that the school his cousin attends isn't good enough for him, he wants better. Then your DS and DD think their Aunty is being awful to them because she isn't horrified at the prospect of them going to the same school as her DS?

They absolutely should be going to the wedding and sound like they need a bit of a chat about their privilege, considering other people's feelings and how to approach this sensibly.

This👆 I would have nipped that argument in the bud as it was totally inappropriate in front of the kids. OP have a polite chat with Sil about how your kids are not responsible for the issues her DC is having. Whether she feels they have no right to state 6th form or not is irrelevant, it's not their fault. She made it personal. Then tell the kids you've had a word and they must go to the wedding and put the whole argument behind them.

Your SIL has a point, so do you.
Your children need to understand that it's ok to have a different opinion to someone but still respect and like them.
I think it's too late to back out of the wedding now and it would be very petty to do so. They need to go!

@Gcsunnyside23 her emotions made it poorly articulated due to worrying about their cousin. Well no. Her emotions came out because of OP's DS mocking her beliefs and concerns as being nothing more than wanting him to go to a bad school. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.

I think letting them throw hissy fits and not go would have far wider ramifications than a row about private school.Thing is, she’s not wrong-it would seem hugely unfair to have privately educated kids swan in and hoover up all the places because their parents have been able to pay for their education. But either she’s made it personal or they’ve taken it personally. Can you speak to your teens and explain that she’s very stressed about her dc and that’s why she talked as she did. But withdrawing from a wedding over a pretty row is insane.

I agree - Private School is very divisive (and I say that as someone who had a private school education to 16 before leaving to go to State) and it isn’t always something I will admit to friends because of it

I did exactly what your son said he was looking forward to - small classes enable me to get the best grades and then I spread my wings at sixth form

it is a good opportunity to explain though exactly how privileged that has been for him and the opportunities it has afforded him and the chances that it has opened and how difficult it can be for people to accept that - because it is a paid for thing that not everyone can afford

I think op you sound very reasonable, I agree kids should go, three weeks before wedding i dont think id be telling her your kids dont want to go, id just say they were a bit upset. Id also obviously explain to your kids that sil is just upset re her concern for son.

She was very unreasonable tbh to be essentially accusing your kids of damaging her son's future and if that arises post wedding I'd be forthright with her about that. At the end of the day, your kids aren't doing anything wrong.

It's not your kids' fault that they're going to a comprehensive school thanks to VAT on school fees. You SIL needs to calm down, and your kids need to suck it up and go to the wedding.

I'd ask your children to attend the wedding, be polite and smile in all the right places, but be clear this doesn't mean any of you are happy with her comments/behaviour.

Nor does it mean they can't decide on the relationship with SIL going forward...but short term, they need to keep their powder dry and just attend the wedding.

A reactive response to hurtful comments and behaviour can make it escalate beyond redemption, something they may regret in the future. This way at least they can retain the moral high ground and know that their actions were not at fault if the relationships breakdown.

The timing is really shitty though, ideally your family would have time to process this properly and decide how to manage the relationship going forward without the pressure of a wedding and not being seen as the ones who 'ruined the whole day' rather than the fact that your SIL resents your children.

asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels. That is a nasty characterisation of what she was saying, which was very reasonable and moderate. Tell DS he's spoilt and really, he was the one that started it.

Just explain this all rationally to your kids, even that she has a point but her emotions made it poorly articulated due to worrying about their cousin. Your children are actually coming from a very privileged position and it's important they understand that. The system isn't fair for everyone and they aren't too young to learn that and be empathetic to it. Of course their aunt doesn't want them to have less of a good chance but is rightfully worried about the kids who had less opportunity and are trying to get by being further less behind

Yes this.

Of course you should all be going to the wedding, and you need to speak with your kids.

Exactly. She sees that her son is as clever - he doesn’t lack ability. She can see that their playing field is not at all level. I can guarantee you’d be pissed off too if this was you and you’d just heard your child’s cousin speak comfortably and totally unthinkingly about how that privilege was probably going to carry him right through in direct competition to him and he just couldn’t see it.

I wouldn't pull out of the wedding.

Your SIL is completely correct but should never have brought it up in front of your kids - that was bang out of order.

However - it sounds like you might need to have a chat with your kids about how their privilege absolutely does negatively impact less privileged people. They are absolutely old enough to understand that & they should learn to be a little more humble & accepting of that situation. It's not them she is criticising but the system that hugely benefits them but does the opposite for her son as a direct result.

She's also correct that the private school kids will succeed wherever they go because of the huge advantage they've already had assuming the courses they want to do are available.

Again - your kids need to be made to understand it's not about them as individuals, it's not personal and of COURSE she doesn't want them to do badly! She knows they won't.

It’s not fair apparently that her son and his friends may not be offered a place because of competition from kids who had the benefit of private education. She genuinely said that there should be a sort of tier system - like university contextual offers.
Why have you added the "apparently" and the "genuinely". If her comments are to be criticised, surely that's only for how banal they are.

Yes - this is a brilliant opportunity to teach your (very privileged) kids some very important lessons - about empathy, equal opportunity, and also understanding that how people react is very often not personal but based on their own fears.

This is a great chance for him to choose to forgive and rise above things.

She didn’t say that though. She made the very fair point that it’s a bad thing if the private school cohort disproportionately push out clever state pupils at the A-level stage. She’s right. That’s exactly what contextual offers at uni aim to balance. It’s potentially even worse for the country as a whole if it’s happening at the sixth form level, as it’s at sixth form/college that a fair few of the pupils who have got the grades to get in despite woeful schooling get to achieve in time for uni. It’s a very bad thing if those pupils are pushed out by decidedly less clever public school kids who have the same or better GCSE grades. Contextual offers will indeed start to come into play at 6th form I’d imagine.

The main thing is the adults need to clear the air and make it clear to the kids that this has been done.

Modelling moving on from this is far more productive than just letting minors vote with their feet.