Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Not going will have lifelong ramifications.

Your children need to realise how privileged they are and how much your nephew has suffered from his education.

Is there any way your children could help coach your nephew or could you or your husband do it? I really feel for your nephew and think if your children don't go to the wedding their relationship will suffer even more.

I think perhaps talking to my kids about my nephew might help. I've avoided the subject for obvious reasons but it might help them to understand SIL in the context of their favourite cousin.

OP, I mean this with kindness, but if you have shielded them from the reality of their privilege where do you think they are going to learn about it? Cos it certainly won't be at private school followed by this monstrous CofE place & they should absolutely be aware.

You really do need sit with them and be straight about all this, cos you clearly are mindful of it & they need to be too.

A good opportunity to teach your DC's that sometimes in life, you have to agree to differ. Just explain that in this case you have all chosen the best avaliable options for them as parents do, and she is understandably upset as the system has now changed in a way that could disadvantage all of them. Really it's the government and the tax change ramifications that everyone is going to get affected by - like they don't have the option any more of doing A-levels at private school. Effectively, you have all had your options cut down by these changes, which are out of your hands. So all DC's are in the same boat and should find empathy for each other.

I agree with this but sil was very wrong to be engaging in this way with a child in the first place. She should not have been having the argument in front of the dc in the first place but as she persisted in doing so, should have kept the discussion less personal and more objective.

We have an excellent religion-based state school locally. We went to look at it recently and I have to say, I felt the same. There were definite implications that only mild SEN was acceptable. Plus there was very much a vibe of "we motivate the children to do really well with all these rewards..." but very little info on how they motivate the ones who can only do "okay".

I would also agree with this.
Not attending the wedding will have much wider, long term consequences and deeply hurt several members of their family.
You need to give them a day or two to calm down and them have a grown up chat. They sound like they’re mature enough for a sensible conversation about why SIL is so upset about this and why she may not entirely mean what she said in the heat of the moment.
They really need to go as planned.
And never talk about this subject in front of SIL/kids again!

One of those conversations that shouldn't have happened.
Everyone needs to calm down.
Your kids feeling peeved is because they don't see that actually their privilege could have a really negative effect on their cousins - which has only come about because of this potential VAT change and the specifics of school availability in your area.
Your SIL has a point but shouldn't have made it personal.
They shouldn't pull out of the wedding but you all need to agree this is not a topic for further discussion.
Be a family and love each other despite your differences.

'I do think your son needs to reflect on how his words would sound to your SIL, given her son's position and experiences. Tone deaf is putting it very kindly. '

Private school kid do have a reputation for being arrogant, partly because of the send of superiority that they instil in their students. One of the may reasons we avoided it.

But as for the bigger question - this is a stupid thing for your children to fall out with family over. Of course they should go to the wedding. That would be the mature thing to do,

It always shocks me how ignorant people are of their own privilege and the impact on those less fortunate. Definitely time to teach your kids.

It’s funny when I read posts like this I can almost see the nasty twisted face you’re pulling writing it. It absolutely drips with misogyny.

OP they’d be going if it were me. Families fall out and patch it up, it’s normal, but we don’t miss each others life events because of it.

@comfortablynumber our local CoE secondary school is the same with a grammar school in the town too.

It's still about money as the 3 years tutoring to get a grammar place is £££££

@comfortablynumber Thanks for your response. I do think your son's question was a mocking characterisation - which made things very personal - and when you ask someone a mocking characterisation, they don't tend to give their real answer.
Once someone disagreed with something I'd done and said "do you think you should respect other cultures". I said no. Because his qu was offensive, and totally off the point. Your SIL has responded in the same way, albeit she should have been more aware she was talking to a child.

Your thoughts on your SILs views are very balanced. You like her and your kids love her. Every one has had their say but it would be very sad for this to be allowed to spoil your SILs wedding day. It wouldn't just effect her it would effect your teens for years to come. Long after no one cares who went to school where she and they would remember they didn't come to her big day and I would guess that the relationships between you all would never be the same again. Teens are at an age where hormones are raging and it's hard for them to see the likely long term impact of their decision. Point out to them how upset their grandma would be if they didn't go and also their dad as it's his sister's wedding day. I am old now (72) and over a fairly long life I have seen in families how one isolated incident, allowed to grow bigger, has resulted in massive long term fall outs that in the grand scheme of things nobody wanted and nobody then knows how to put right. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. 💐

Finally- no chance at all the C of E school would do contextual outside if mandated things such as looked after children. It's very academically successful and lives and dies by that. It's known locally not to send delicate/ SEN/ neurodivergent children there as they just DGAF. Living those Christian values....

Bloody hell, that sounds like a vile environment! Nothing would make me send my kids to a school with that mentality at the stern! Just awful

Well, she's not wrong which is why many state 6th forms have moved to excepting only state school pupils. Our local excellent is moving to that too.

"Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better..."

I do think your son needs to reflect on how his words would sound to your SIL, given her son's position and experiences. Tone deaf is putting it very kindly. It comes over that he doesn't want to slum it with the likes of her son, and he shouldn't have to because he's better than his cousin. I know he is only young but sending out these kinds of messages and then spurning the wedding he would not come across as the injured party he might consider himself to be. Private schools can be a bit of an echo chamber but things that are acceptable to express inside that world can sound extremely rude and condescending to others.

Your children are old enough to make their own choice, so while I’d do everything possible to help explain the consequences, you can’t blame them for feeling how they do.

Their aunt has been really insulting towards them and basically told them they aren’t worthy of a good school because of the choices made by their parents. Thats horrible, and unless she apologises she doesn’t really deserve the support from her niece and nephew in her wedding party.

I think this is an excellent way of framing it for the kids. I do think they should go to the wedding - otherwise the disagreement will escalate massively !

Good time to learn that people form opinions based on their lived experiences but that you can still love someone whose opinions differ from yours and support them in their lives (or weddings in this case!)

I think two opposing things at the same time:

~Of course you should not allow your dc to pull out. Don’t even allow it to become a possibility. They are going and that’s final.
A family wedding is far more important than an argument around the Sunday lunch table.

~Your sil is very free with her opinions and honestly I think it’s appalling that she feels at liberty to berate you for your schooling choices. Fine to express wider political views on the subject out of earshot of the dc, and to express what she personally would prefer, but totally out of order to be so judgemental and negatively critical in front of the dc.

Personally, I would let things calm down for a few days and then ask your dh to have a calm word, or go together and have a calm word, particularly as you say she regularly judges you.

Explain to her that you and the dc were upset and felt personally attacked by her comments and the way she feels at liberty to judge you on all manner of subjects.

Then say that you understand her viewpoint and also that she may be stressed with the wedding being so near, but honestly when it comes to attacking your dc’s school trajectory so directly in their presence, and upsetting them, you draw a line right there.

And I hope she understands that you do not welcome any more of her judgements of you over the family dinner table.

And then to show good faith, change the subject and say you are looking forward to the wedding and how are things progressing?

I think your last 2 sentences are spot on. It would be a mistake to throw away long term highly valued family relationships because a conversation about something important and emotional got out of hand. I think it would be really unfair and stroppy of your kids to do that and cause irreparable damage. Agree never to talk about schooling again and draw a line under it.

She may have a point but the person for her to take her grievance about the possible lack of space for her child isn't actually your child, it's the school themselves (if they control their own admissions policy) or the local authority, or her MP or local counsellor to effect change and improve the standards of teaching etc..

I'd be telling her that her comments have deeply affected your kids and they have told you that they don't want to go to her wedding. You are naturally going to stick up for your kids, just as she was trying to do for hers in the discussion that started the argument, so the ball is in her court. If she wants a bridesmaid and usher, they are ready but she has to apologise for how she spoke to them first.

I'd also be telling the kids that they didn't do anything wrong and if their cousin apologises to them, they should attend with good grace but you're not going to force them into doing something that they don't want to do.

That's what I would do here.

@RandomMess She's upset and jealous. Who said she's jealous? Maybe she has a conscience. And OP's DSs behaviour is not something to be jealous of.

SIL was wrong to persist with an argument in front of your children, and it sounds as though the adults got this very wrong. It’s also not your children’s fault that they are the cohort of kids at school when VAT is added to school fees. Of course this is going to put short term pressure on children in state schools. They way this has been introduced by the current government makes me furious. These kids already suffered with covid, now they will suffer with greater competition for good state school places. And all for class warfare reasons!