Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Well, Labour's actions have consequences and here are some. There will be many more to come. They can't just think they'll take money off whoever they want and not expect people to change their behaviour.

Anyway, seems like the school does apply contextual stuff anyway if the external kids need higher grades that the internal ones to get in.

SIL can be angry with the government if she wants. But being angry with you/your DC for choosing the best option you can is utterly ridiculous.

what the ever loving fuck?

I say this as a rather expensively privately educated person: this scenario is hugely unfair to the state school kids who now have to fight for places at a school they'd normally get in, against a cohort who have had every opportunity to shine due to their parents' income. Sure the privately schooled kids didn't choose their school, neither did the state school kids.

And the truth is, given they have already got a good head start on knowing how to learn, the privately educated lot probably would do better at a slightly less good school.

Surely that sort of a conversation is not for teens to be involved in! Your kids shouldn’t hear an adult giving out about their schooling plans and definitely shouldn’t be arguing with them! As for them thinking their aunt doesn’t care just because she disagrees-also ridiculous! Saying that of course she has a point and probably panicked heating the starkness of that- why should children be disadvantaged in that way?!

Pulling out of the wedding is the nuclear option. Don’t do that. It’ll be more stress for everyone for longer and probably be unrecoverable for family dynamics. Conflict is a natural part of life and this is a good opportunity to teach your kids how to navigate it in a mature way.

Once your kids have calmed down a little, try talking to them rationally. There are two ways to look at this issue: in the abstract, or personally.

On a personal level, SIL has said that your DC should go to the less-good school to give your nephew a better chance. Okay, your DC don’t like that - fair. But if they’re interpreting this on a personal level, they must accept that they are telling SIL that they’re happy for your nephew to stay in the less-good school in order that they can continue to have a better education. The personal argument is emotional, and bound to cause bad feeling - but you can’t feel hurt that you’re being told to suck up an inferior education, without accepting that that’s exactly what you’re saying your cousin should do. Your DC are showing no empathy, and receiving none in return. (Your SIL should, however, be asked to tone down the commentary in front of the kids - private school was your decision, not theirs, and it isn’t fair that they should be harangued about it.)

The private school kids have had massive educational advantages, and the school’s results reflect that. Sure, there are bright kids there, but the atmosphere, facilities, and standard of teaching, as well as the “creaming off”, play a part in pushing up the results of kids who would probably not do as well in the not-good local state school.

Worse, the only good local state excludes kids based on religion. So if your parents aren’t well off and aren’t Christian, you get a worse education.

The only opportunity the not-rich not-Christian kids have to improve their university chances is to move to the CofE school for sixth form. The influx of former private-school kids means that they’re now even less likely to be able to make that move.

On an abstract level, ask your DC whether they can understand how unfair this is, and why it makes their aunt angry. Point out that, although she said some nasty things, there’s no way to talk about this on a personal level without it boiling down to both sides saying “your education should suffer so that mine improves”. Ask them how they feel about the exclusion of less-well-off, non-Christian children from the only good schools in the area. Do they feel that this is fair? Do they understand that they are privileged to have had private education?

It’s not about them feeling bad about their own advantages - that was your decision, and you made it with your DC’s best interests at heart. But be honest with them about what you’ve said here - the situation is horribly unfair, and they are lucky that you’re able to pay for them to have an advantage.

And be clear with them that dropping out of the wedding now would be bad manners, would make their aunt, uncle, and cousin very unhappy, and would potentially be an end to the close relationship they currently have. Disagreeing on this issue, however emotive it is, is not a sufficient reason to make this big gesture, which essentially says “We are no longer willing to behave like family to you”.

I can guarantee she does want the best but she's also aware that, at this point, her nephew will get the same grade anywhere - the papers aren't different - thanks to the massive advantages they've already had. Add in the potential for extra tutoring that relative wealth allows & is often used in these situations.

One thing private education teaches EXTREMELY well is How To Exam regardless of inherent ability.

They should suck it up.
it will be hard to repair this rift if you don’t attend the wedding.

if the wedding wasn’t happening so soon you’d undoubtedly find a way to repair things.
it’s crazy for this to be a permanent rift.

but not attending the wedding will be remembered for much longer than the reason for this argument .

its an emotive subject.
it will be pretty gutting for the local state school kids who in 2023 would get a place at this school will be blown out of the water in 2024 if your forecast plays out.

No one asked her to choose the priority. If they had, that would be different.

It is arrogant and stupid to imagine that your auntie wouldn't prioritise her own child over you.

tbh i agree with her on this.

So now you have to decide if you want to make up or not.

I don't think he mocking her, he's a child who is hearing his aunt say she doesn't think he deserves a good education. He's not looking at the wider context or understanding the good start he's had or why it might be an emotive conversation for his aunt. These are things he will now learn and just mum can use this as a teaching moment on his there'sore to a conversation than the surface sometimes. He's a kid and the aunt is the adult, they shouldn't have even been having this conversation. I think all the adults acted poorly here, the kids shouldn't have been present for any of it as they know from experience that anything around this subject is negative

She could have made that point without being personal to her nephew by telling him he shouldn’t go to the best school for him because he’d be fine anywhere. But she didn’t.

I'd let the dust settle for a few days and plan to still go, she obviously loves them to have them as a bridesmaid and usher. My sister in law was really rude a few years ago and we had an argument - we just left it and never discussed it again and were nice the next time we saw each other. In genenral I really like her so glad we didn't let it divide the family.

I'd agree with you, if SILs own son was not there and listening in. That changes it completely. What OPs DS is saying is going to be heard and felt very much by SILs DS, and when OPs DS mocked SILs reasoning with his question, I can't blame SIL for behaving as she did.

Its not arrogance to think that your own auntie would want the best for you and to be disappointed that she would rather you went somewhere that isn’t good.

It's not as simple as that, though. She would rather private school kids who've had immense advantages didn't take up state school places that state-educated children are desperate to have.

I mean I 100% agree with your SIL and I think you and your kids could try a bit of empathy here.

I can't see a problem with what your SIL said, much of it is factually correct. Your kids are incredibly privileged and are using that privilege in a way that damages the educational chances of children who can't access that privilege. That's not their fault, it's the fault if the system, but it is the truth.

It was insensitive if your son to go on about how wonderful and exciting it all is for him, did you not realise this would be a touchy subject? The rest of your OP suggests you could have predicted how she'd take it. She was unreasonable to have a go at him, but for him to then say he doesn't want to go to the wedding suggests he has very little insight into how privileged he is or why she might feel how she does.

If you feel she's been unreasonable then that's up to you, but if you don't attend her wedding you can surely expect your relationship with her to be over.

You are being very empathetic and measured OP, well done for that (rare to see on posts about family arguments on MN!)

Agree with others you should let it calm down for a few days and don’t broach the wedding subject - don’t let it become a big battle with teens as then it may become hard for them to back down. Just ‘let’s revisit this in a few days’ without any firm decisions, then I’d lay down the law (as it would be awful to have this permanent memory over an argument which is really not about your kids, and much more about SIL’s unhappiness about her own child’s prospects and probably guilt at not being able to give him what your children now have).

Do this

It used to be said that you should never discuss sex, religion, or politics. I think education should be added to that last!

SIL was a muppet. To her, I would say - the kids were really upset by that conversation, to the point that they don’t want to be in your wedding party because they think you don’t care about them. Would you still like them to be part of the wedding or would prefer they pull out?

Then do what she says which will most likely be that she still wants them in the wedding.

The kids need to learn that you can disagree with people without cutting them off (contrary to many mumsnet threads). To them, I would say - SIL is worried about your cousin, his future, and her wedding. She does care about you but said those things under stress. Forgive her just like you would want people to forgive the stupid things that you say (and that we all say) at times. You have already committed to being part of her wedding party so you are going to see that through and smile about it.

On the off chance SIL says she doesn’t want them in the wedding party anymore, it will be a win-win for the children and for her.

Private school kid do have a reputation for being arrogant, partly because of the send of superiority that they instil in their students. One of the may reasons we avoided it.

Its not arrogance to think that your own auntie would want the best for you and to be disappointed that she would rather you went somewhere that isn’t good.

Do not do this