Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Yes you have misunderstood.

I think they've got to carry on with wedding duties this close to D-day.
But, use this as an opportunity to teach your kids that this is why you shouldn’t discuss politics, money, religion (or schools!) with anyone you don’t want to fall out with.
I think some people take great offence at others choosing a different education route to them as they see it as a criticism of their own choices, but ultimately we should all be doing the best we can that our means allow.
I would point out however that sil, presumably an adult in her 40’s should know better too and I’d probably back away from any non essential socialising with her!

A very similar (maybe not quite so serious) thing happened to me and my cousin growing up
we were the year before year7 and in my area you have to take a test to get into secondary school, especially for me who didn’t live in the catchment area for school it was kinda a big deal at the time
my auntie was very secretive about my cousins results when they came out which my parents weren’t bothered by, however she hit the roof when she overheard me and my cousin talking about our own results (we were 10 aha)
this was also shortly before my auntie and uncles wedding and i was supposed to be bridesmaid, my parents sat me down and basically said they would make the decision if we went to the wedding or not at the end of the day because they were the adults but did i have anything i wanted to voice, i said it hurt my feelings because i was proud of my results i’d worked hard and it was a relief otherwise i could have been sent to a school a lot further away (whereas my cousin got into school on distance) and my parents sort of validated how i felt and then tried to explain my aunties point of view how although she shouldn’t have taken it out on me, she was obviously just upset things didn’t go how she hoped and asked me if i wanted to miss the wedding based on this argument and what would matter in years time (this is a lot to put on a 10 year old but im pretty sure my parents were going to choose to go anyway but it helped we recently went through my other uncle and aunties wedding photos recently and we remembered how special it was)
not sure if that’s any help, however many years on, the wedding was lovely lots of photos and memories and both me and my cousin did well at our separate schools haha

your SIL needs to separate this from personal circumstances. she is projecting her bitterness and worry onto her nephews and niece. that's not very mature. Is she generally good at being accountable, or does she believe the world owes her what she doesn't have? Is she jealous of those who have achieved what she once hoped she might?

eg she needs to separate
education policy / the state of the schools in your area / thoughts on private schools etc etc
from
what people close to her personally do with their lives and the circumstances they find themselves in

instead of being happy for her nehpew and neice it sounds like she resents them.

apologies if I have misunderstood (your post is very wordy), but she does sound like she has issues with accepting who she is and her circumstances, jealousy, accountability etc

Again, 2 dimensional. Did you or your kids go to a private school by any chance?

Suck it up and go to the wedding. Teach your kids that families may argue but it doesn’t mean not attending important family functions unless really serious (which this isn’t).

She does have a point no matter how poorly delivered and private schools don’t offer better education. Complete myth with a national curriculum (same with grammars). I’ve been to both so I know. And by the way my kids sound like yours and guess what they went to state school. I think you were probs to blame too given some of your elitist comments. We chose not to send our kids to private school for this very reason.

This will keep happening up and down the country. Those parents who support labour’s policy with children in state schools who are hurt by the policy will rage against the parents who can no longer afford fees or, in this case, their kids. They won’t rage against the policy itself because ultimately they would rather see privately educated kids “punished” even if it’s at the expense of their own kids.

So what? People are very quick to say they don't care if children are priced out of private education, fair enough. The result is that those children will move to other schools, which could increase competition on your own children. You cannot say that the children that have been priced out must now be sent to the worst schools to atone for their privilege.

It seems neither you, as parents, nor the school, have taught your children to respect other people's views, without agreeing with that view. Neither have your children been taught that to sulk and walk away when a difference of views occurs is not the way to resolve an argument.

Oh stop 😂 I knew at that age there’s only a certain number of places. If he really is so smart, maybe work on his common sense too 🙄

Thing is there is no guarantee that the SiL's son wouldn't have been bullied in a different school (state or private). All of the 6th form options are at risk of having bullying - how good the school is at tackling it matters, but they can't stop it 100%. Blaming her nephew for her son's problems & the obvious impact of VAT on school fees is really rude and as a fifteen year old I absolutely would be very angry. It's on her for being tactless to a child.
I do think they should go to the wedding but as a petty fifteen year I absolutely would have scowled in the photos!

"Son asked SIL if she was saying that because he’d been privately educated she thought he should go somewhere not great for A levels, and she said yes! Apparently he’ll do fine anywhere. Son said he didn’t want to do “fine”- he was aiming for better..."
SIL is worried her son won't even be able to do fine. She's seeing his future in fear and that fear is talking. She's seeing what he's been through with bullying and that is talking. She's saying they dont NEED the great school as much as some other kids do. She's saying its unfair that income can dictate educational outcomes. She's not saying its unfair they didn't struggle she's sayings it's unfair her son has. It's not really about them, its about her fear and her experiences, what she's seen her son go through. I hope they can understand that. I'd be giving things a little time to calm down then explaining the context behind what happened and eventually yes when it got closer to the wedding that they need to go, because it may be impossible to come back from them dropping out of the wedding so close and even if they dont care about seeing their aunt right now this could ruin the relationship with their cousin. Them not going will hurt him too. I know it might be a lot at those ages to ask them to understand where she's coming from but I would be trying to help them understand that she was saying what she did because she's really worried for her son.

You really do sound lovely & very self-aware - please make sure you're passing that on to your kids. Imo that mentality is far more important for a healthy & happy life than top grades 🙏. I do wonder if your own guilt has stopped you making them fully acknowledge the situation. Did both you & DH do private school yourselves?

I actually think this would make the situation worse and shows that even though you’re pretending to, you don’t understand your SIL’s point or your kids arrogance and privilege

It is unfair to the state kids. But it's what people voted for. It was never ever going to be as simple as a "cash grab from rich people" which is the complete and utter bullshit that Labour sold people.

I've seen in the news that they are rethinking the non dom cash grab because the non doms will just bugger off. This really is a case of no shit sherlock!

• The local schools can't do as well because all the "best" students are creamed off by the private school
• The private school students should not get into the good 6th form school because despite getting good grades they are actually not as intelligent and lazier than their state school counterparts and only got good grades because of the school.

Let things calm down OP before making that call not to attend.
Your SIL isn't wrong in her opinion and has very valid points- but your kids are young and juet see her personally attacking them and want her to be 100% behind them but it's obviously something she feels very strongly on. Your kids aren't wrong either re their choices. Ut just sucks for those kids who get the raw end of the deal.

So...let it all blow over for a few days then sit them down and calmly explain they have to go , because not going to a wedding will be something that this relationship doesn't come back from between the 2 families and its not worth severing ties over this. You and dh need to set the example of being mad and allowing their opinion to be valid but in this example showing them how family ties are kept not severed at every small turn in life. It's hard but doable.

@MrsSunshine2b no she’s not saying he doesn’t deserve his grades - she’s saying he’s extremely privileged. Your thinking is extremely 2 dimensional.

PPs seem to be suggesting simultaneously that:

• The local schools can't do as well because all the "best" students are creamed off by the private school
• The private school students should not get into the good 6th form school because despite getting good grades they are actually not as intelligent and lazier than their state school counterparts and only got good grades because of the school.

In the same way, you can't suddenly add VAT to private school fees and expect all private school parents to just suck it up and magic up an extra 20%. There has been enough people warning that if VAT is added to fees, lots of children will leave private, meaning more competition at good state schools. The response has been that the VAT on the remaining students will more than make up for this and the state schools will all improve.

So what is SIL's problem?

This wasn't an argument about politics, this was a direct attack on children who she feels are doing better than her own. I wouldn't want to go to her wedding.

And if I was DS and you told me she was right and I hadn't earned the grades I've worked hard for, I wouldn't have much time for you either.

I hope your son learns to check his privilege before he starts university. He might find his peers outside his bubble are a lot less polite than his auntie when he poses questions like that....

Definitely go to the wedding. It will make things far worse if you don't. Your kids need to understand that families often row and some things can be said in the heat of the moment but that shouldn't mean that it has to escalate. She handled it badly but shouldn't necessarily be punished for that if she's usually nice and you all love her.

A bright 15/16 year old (how OP describes him) is able to understand the contextualised arguments SIL was making. And he did make is personal and mocking, and in front of her own child, his cousin. His Aunt said he didn't need a good sixth form - in answer to his very specific question - a) because it's true, for reasons she explained, but more importantly b) because when you ask someone an offensive question, and mock their values within that, you can expect a certain response. A bright 15/16 year old knows all this. Yes, he's a child, but so his SILs DS and he has to listen to this too.