Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

"Opinionated little madam?" Weirdly mysoginistic (and old fashioned!) langauge. She's old enough to get married and have a child in secondary school, she's not that young...
You don't have to agree with her views (I don't either) bit it's a bit 1920s to think of "opinionated" as an insult for a woman?

I also dont see why it would be a threat Not attending the wedding probably would cause long term family issues (not least to people who don't deserve it like MIL and brides son/ops nephew, which is why I would recommend going) but it's hardly going to ruin her wedding or be a huge punishment? It's more she'll take it as a slight and the argument will continue but her day won't be ruined by their absence.

Yes, I think they did vote for that. They voted Labour, they have Labour's policies and now their kids are being shoved out as a direct result of those policies.

They might not have wanted that, but it was a very easy consequence to foresee and they did vote for it.

I'm not a fan of weddings, or ILs, or private schools for that matter, but the idea that you would even let your children discuss or consider the possibility of boycotting the wedding is unfathomable to me. It was a row. They happen. People say things in the heat of the moment that come out wrong. There are macro-issues in this particular situation that the kids aren't necessarily aware of. Your SIL is family. You all love/like/care about each other. If the kids have learned from somewhere that rows have to be followed by nuclear reactions, then now is the time to disabuse them of that idea.

people didn't vote for their children to be shoved out of the best state schools because a bunch of parents suddenly can't afford school fees.
@Brefugee you only need to read any MN thread about VAT on private schools to know that’s exactly what people voted for. Or perhaps they put their fingers in the ears and said “la la la not listening!” when report after report predicted this would happen.

Your SIL is right, but this is not a dinner table discussion and you all made it too personal. I agree your son is only 15. It’s your SIL who should have stopped this. She is the adult.

I agree with this.

@comfortablynumber Please do not tell your SIL that she's upset your kids so much that they are considering pulling out of the wedding. That's only going to fan the flames, regardless of whether she immediately says that she didn't mean to upset them. It's exactly the kind of comment that could take root and fester. You, your children and your DH need to be at your SIL's wedding and enjoy the day. You will regret it hugely if you don't. I hope you manage to work everything out. It sounds like you collectively have a lot of love for each other, which is a huge blessing.

He said he was looking forward to his new school. SIL talks in general terms about fairness and how she thinks they should be contextualised. Bare in mind her DS is present and probably won't get in solely because of the privilieged position of others. But she doesn't personalise it. She makes strong arguments in favour of contextualising entry. OPs DS "summarises" this as "you think I should go to a bad school?". That was offensive and mocking of her position - which despite her own child being there - she kept very general. A belief in contextualised entry - which I and many others hold - is not the same as a belief that random privileged and insensitive child in front of you "should" go to a bad school. He mocked her. She lashed out. But let's remember - she has a child too, and is speaking for him to an extent.

I’d explain to your children that people have a right to think that you are playing the system and see it as unfair.

I’d also explain that if they believe themselves to be mature enough to enter into robust (and personal) debates with family, they are mature enough to accept that people have different opinions, and that doesn’t mean having a tantrum and backing out of wedding commitments etc.

again: they didn't vote to have their children penalised for other people's decisions.

i mean, i voted for Labour and i think it was a stupidly ill-thought out plan. It wasn't top of my agenda though. it was in my top 10 but not my top 5 reasons for voting for them. it is highly conceivable for other people to have done the same.

It's not really 2 dimensional - it's saying that actions have consequences.

It is not that she does not care about your children; it is simply that she is worried about her own child. And I can see why.

It is down to you to help your chidlren understand this and to be supportive to SIL - some of which will involve being part of SIL's wedding.

Your children are teenagers - things are black and white to them. But you are an adult and can help them to understand what is really going on here, to grasp the nuances, and help them to react appropriately.

There is absolutely no need for a family rift here. People need to behave like adults and model mature reasoning and kindness for all the teenagers.

Yes they did vote for their kids to be shoved out - they just didn't realise it.

Your kids are almost adults/uni aged, they're far too old to be told they 'have' to go somewhere. You need to back off, and let them decide. You talk about regret, but you may regret forcing (and how do you physically 'force' two big grown teenagers, away) them, they could resent you for it. For forcing them to go to something they are not comfortable with. It's their decision, not yours. And if you put money in front of them (guilt them) they'll resent you more. What cost, their happiness? People cancel going to things all the time. I'd rather take a loss on something trivial like a suit, than risk my relationship with my own children who will resent me for not respecting my autonomy.

Your sil was right, and I see her point myself, having gone to a state school and been bullied throughout which affected my ability to achieve and learn. I still feel some resentment when I see the happy and successful private school kids from my area. BUT, I am an adult and I manage those feelings. I certainly wouldn't have an outburst like that in front of my nephew/niece. Your sil needs to apologise and your husband (who sounds more wiser and emotionally intelligent and perceptive than you give him credit for) should be demanding she apologise and perhaps tell them she has upset her DNs so much they don't feel welcome at the wedding. See if that guilts her and she apologises.

But whatever you do, do not under any circumstances, force your DC to go. Respect them enough to allow them to make their choices and have personal autonomy - no matter how much you may disagree with their decision.

It seems they don't teach emotional intelligence at private schools. Your kids are being ridiculous. It's a massively controversial topic that triggers deep emotions. Your kids should forgive and move on. A wedding is a lovely occasion to put disagreements behind them.

people didn't vote for their children to be shoved out of the best state schools because a bunch of parents suddenly can't afford school fees.

And i would be absolutely in favour of schools being able to (if not forced to) commit to taking a certain number of state educated children as they have done previously. Just to put people's minds at rest.

As someone with the benefit of a private education, i know how unfair it all is. People i went to junior school with who were equally as clever (if not better) than me would have done well, some of the less successful in junior school kids would have absolutely thrived if they'd had 15-20 people in their classes at secondary etc etc.
Blimey in my A-level classes the biggest was 10. The smallest was 3. I find it abhorrent that children are divided into the haves and have nots like this, and would be in favour of taking all fee-paying schools into state hands.

This is a deeply impactful and personal matter because all of you are impacted. Her child could be negatively impacted by choices being made for your child. With that in mind, I think you should accept that tensions were high and things got heated but that it doesn't mean you need to act rashly or cut people off. It's a really good lesson for your kids. Sometimes long relationships survive because there are things we agree to disagree about.

Yes, I’d start from this point, and hope your DC can accept this.

I agree your DC seem shockingly unaware of how privileged they have been. It's not their fault - they are young and sheltered. This might be a wake up call to them.

Talk to them and explain that not going to their aunt's wedding is a terrible idea. In a few years time this row will have been forgotten but bailing on a family event as important as this over a fairly petty argument could leave a permanent rift.

I agree that you should encourage your children to go to the wedding. This is one of those scenarios where they should be encouraged to rise above her comments out of love.

Your sil is clearly under a lot of stress with the wedding and her sons future. Maybe now is a good time to teach your kids empathy

Your DS’s question was provocative - but I know mine would have gone there as well. SIL’s response was not acceptable. Suggestions above that you and DH go round and have a chat are very sensible. Hopefully everyone will calm down. I’d ask your DC to reflect on whether they want to cause a huge breach by not going. At the end of the day you can’t force them, so if they don’t go, there’s not much you can do, and MIL will have to accept that.

Probably most families face this type of disparity over something at some point. I would not have sent my DC to my old school which DNs went to. But we’re many miles away so it was never an issue. PIL often say they wished we had gone back home - but I recently pointed this out, and said this might have caused some upset. We would have moved to avoid our DC being at the school - that our DNs were at.

I still don't understand what was mocking in what was said but him. The kid doesn't understand fully why she was upset and made a comment that he was looking forward to the new school, his aunt goes apeshit and tells him he should be going to the terrible school, he asks if it's because he went to a school that his parents chose and he had no control over and didn't ask to go to that they now can't afford, she said yes and he's replied in a less than tactful way also. The aunt was in the wrong as was op for bringing it up. The conversation should never have got that far but why should a child sit there and be told they deserve less, his cousin doesn't deserve less either but that's not the boys fault. Why was his question offensive? His aunt doesn't sound like she explained anything (context came from op)

It's a load of absolute drama over nothing at all and you would be ridiculous to let your children dictate to you like this. I can't believe you're even considering doing this.

Your children know they are at an advantage. (Omg, my year 7 kid knows even at sporting events that they are the independent sectors poor relatives...) They should be able to see where Aunt is coming from. Even at 15.

Your kids lack empathy. This is on you and your husband.

I wouldn't care if nephews / niece deigned to attend my wedding if I was SIL. Tbh I'd be pleased if they took their attitude elsewhere.

100% agree with the posters who said teach your children arguments can be had without cutting people off, remind them that they know she loves them, think of the years of relationship you’ve had- say would you really just toss that away for one argument? I’d really hope not; and then say perhaps I can explain to you what your aunt was really saying and feeling, and how that conversation wasn’t actually about you, but that the world isn’t fair. And one day something will be a little bit unfair for you and you will rage at the injustice and perhaps remember this and how she must feel. I hope it’s a small thing for you where you experience unfair, and it might well be as you are so lucky and privileged.