Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Oh come on now. Has that private school bubble made him unaware of how things work or have you hid that from him? To use his age for a lack of self awareness is unreasonable

This

I agree with this.

SIL should not have put this on you, OP. And I am not saying that you should be (verbally) abused or berated.

But your DS is in a very privileged position.

And his (expected) results would be considerably more impressive if he went to the same kind of school his cousin goes to.

Is your DS aware of that? Because he absolutely should be.

Did you have that talk with him? Have you and your DH tried to explain why there are genuine reasons for “contextualised“ placements?

You are doing your son, your family and the rest of society a disservice if you don’t!

I’m not sure why there’s so much criticism of the boy, the sil can’t attack people and be surprised when they defend themselves

IMO she has a valid point. You are both on different sides of a political argument with your own circumstances and biases making it very emotional. You are never going to agree, so need to agree not to agree and avoid the topic.

It is a good opportunity for you to model this to your dc for them to learn from it.

Their aunt is not wrong and although I don't agree with your perspective neither are you in having your own opinion, hers is just different but valid and both your opinions should be respected and discussing politics is probably best avoided when emotions could be high.

It would be poor form for any of you to ruin your relationships over this.

I think it's more blatant than that.

I voted Labour, I think that in comparison to the Tories they will be infinitely better. However, I think this particular policy will backfire, as this post shows.

The reason that Labour is pressing ahead with it, despite probably being aware it's not going to be effective, is because it's extremely popular and the vast majority of people want it. When people suggest that it's going to have a negative impact on everyone, the response is, "I don't care about private school children!" and usually throw in a few comments about how Henrietta and Sebastian will get over it, forgetting that Oliver and Amelia are probably going to suffer too.

Sil started the argument. If this was my DN she’d have said quite bluntly that it’s not her problem her kid didn’t get the grades and she did. If anything OP’s kids were too polite.

Ultimately more state school pupils will have achieved the necessary grades (and some of them under tougher circumstances than your nephew) than private school pupils so your sil’s argument falls apart. Because even if offers were contextualised her son would still not get one.

@Noname112 Also there is likely a degree of both jealousy and guilt that nephew hasn’t had the same privilege of a private education. This may compound their arrogance. Why jealousy and guilt? There's no sensible reason to think SIL has either. Assuming this is arrogance itself.

I think you are right to recognise that you have a fairly urgent piece of work to educate your children on their privilege. Your SIL has behaved badly but I have a lot of sympathy for the principle of her position.

You might also remember that, although you clearly have financial reasons for your plans, sending your children private to year 11 and then sending them to an excellent selective state sixth form is exactly what a person who wants to game the university admissions system might do. I don’t think that this is what you are consciously doing but many, many people do precisely this and you and your children may find that assumptions are made about them as a result.

She has a point and your children need to understand their privileges and have some empathy to their cousins struggles.

Their aunt clearly doesn't want them not to succeed but understand from her point of view how much of a struggle it is for those not blessed with the luxury of private education.

Debate isn't personal and not going to a wedding because their feelings were hurt is very immature especially for yr10/11 students.

My child goes to grammar and he understands how lucky he is. We are on a low income on a rough estate and to be given a high level of education is very much appreciated, I always tell him how lucky he is, so he doesn't become entitled and snobby.

As a parent you should be more proactive in letting them know how lucky they are.

I think they should go and take their roles as agreed previously

I can completely understand why they are upset at her attitude but I can also see that she is very worried about her son and probably with wedding and lots on the stress has got to her and she has lashed out without thinking clearly qt what effect her harsh words would have

It's her wedding - a special family day - as you indicated you all got on before and you all like each other then you should all go and be happy for her on her wedding day

It might be worth talking about perspective, @comfortablynumber -

“In 5 years will you still be hurt about this conversation? Because in 5 years Auntie Sarah will still remember you pulled out of her wedding at the last minute because of an argument.
“A wedding day is memories forever. I don’t think a difference in opinion is worth remembering for that long. We can love people and also disagree with them.”

sorry but that's just completely incorrect. it wouldn't be legal for a start. where on earth do you get the info to make this stuff up?

Politics, religion, private education, are just 3 topics i avoid with certain family members

I think if the relationship has previously been good and sounds like it has. You should point out to your kids that SIL didn’t say things as she doesn’t care for them. She said it as she’s obviously stressed and worried for her own child’s education. Also there is likely a degree of both jealousy and guilt that nephew hasn’t had the same privilege of a private education.

The biggest thing I’d stress is (if true) that she loves and cares about them. While people say things in the heat of the moment that can be unkind you don’t automatically cut them out of your life. A wedding is a big life event. She chose to have them be a part of that and to not go could be incredibly upsetting to her and possibly damage their relationship forever. Which seems extreme fora disagreement over a sensitive topic that so far hasn’t actually changed anyone’s life.

ah OK, care to help me at all?

People can have opinions even if they're completely opposite to ones own.
I believe she's talking nonsense. It's a prime empirical example of what is going to happen with Labours bizarre private school funding plans.
The bright children will still be bright the outcomes for those not so bright will be the same. Competition for limited places will be keen.
Unintended consequences and all that.....

I'd just let it drift and attend the wedding. Just don't bring it up again.

i never think MN is that representative, and i didn't read the threads because a) my DCs are all grown up and b) I'm not in uk (am starting to regret my labour vote though, especially now all this is becoming clear to me)

But again: that wasn't people's intention in voting for this, is what i feel. I think they weren't thinking much at all beyond "get the tories out" tbh.

Your privileged son sounds like a bit of a wind up merchant to be honest - continuing to fan the flames. Perhaps it’s time to teach him some empathy and tell him to suck it up and attend the wedding for the sake of family harmony.

This is a classic “nobody is the asshole” post. Just two people coming at an issue with opposite perspectives. It’s a great opportunity to speak with your children about being aware of their privilege and remembering who they are speaking to. Your son didn’t say anything wrong but it’s no surprise it’s a sensitive subject for SIL (and horrifying for her to realise the competition for places was going to be SO much tougher than in any other year).

I would let everyone calm down and then suggest that your family should approach her to apologise - not for being wrong or unkind but just speaking thoughtlessly. And everyone goes to the wedding as planned.

I did, yes, my children don't. I don't think it's the best use of money for them, and as we're on average income, we'd have to very much cut other costs to the bone to afford it. They also have the right profile to be successful at state school. My parents moved us to private school part way through our education because we had special educational needs that the state system wasn't able to meet, as do many parents. They couldn't have afforded 20% extra so I'm not sure what they would have done- perhaps they would have homeschooled or perhaps we'd have gone to state school and used a lot of resources.

I'm not sure what dimension you think I'm missing. If parents can't afford the extra 20%, they will end up in other schools. That's a basic fact. Many of them will have good grades, a good work ethic and live in nice areas, so they will be able to get places at good schools. Unless you want to bring in separate legislation to mandate that anyone having leaving private education must go to an underperforming school, what do you want?

Your kids are children. Maybe discuss the argument but you should be telling them that of course we are going to the wedding. It would hurt a lot of people's feelings. Don't ask your sil if she wants them to come, that is very passive aggressive.

Not everything has it be discussed with everyone all the time. Tell your kids, yes the system is unfair, you are quite lucky and your sil was frustrated with the system and worried for her own child. Privately you can acknowledge she should have been more tactful to your kids. But honestly it should all be forgotten about.

Your kids will get a wake up call in the workplace/uni if they can't see their privilege.

Wow. He is 15. And you are only just talking to him now about the concept of a fair society? And his school- never once touched on this? Yes, absolutely this should be taught much earlier than 15. I'm guessing school did. But son preferred to ignore or not listen. Just absolutely wow.

No wonder your son's argument was so entitled and not an inkling of empathy, humility- all about him and his grades and what works best for him. Me me me me me.

This isnt necessarily a function of private schooling. This is attitudinal.

You should've been educating your son on privilege. I will often talk to my 14 year old about how lucky & privileged he is. id be horrified if he thought he could behave the way your son did. Clearly your private school haven't taught them much about the real world either.