Kids not wanting to attend SILs wedding after argument

Hope the wedding went well @comfortablynumber ?

It sounds like SIL's son didn't have anything to say on the matter. I would have been more understanding of him getting upset, but would have expected his Mum to tell him not to make personal attacks due to his own circumstances.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 15 yo wanting to do "better than fine", in fact, I'd be more concerned by a 15 yo who was satisfied with mediocre. Teenagers should be full of ambition and optimism. It's not the job of other children to dull their sparkle because another child isn't doing so well.

SIL needs to focus on getting help and support for her son rather than tearing down her nephew.

How? By not being able to afford the new VAT and having to pull her kids out of their school?

I think you're in a much better place even in it takes a while to calm down. Well done for how you've handled this.

No one deserves hate @MintyNew - what a strange thing to say / think!

But it wasn't child taking on child.

It was a grown adult woman taking on a child. That's why she got the deserved hate. How is it OP's kids fault for being privately educated.

I agree with her, really unfair u have played the system,

I would make it clear to myself and my children that we can empathize with nephew's shitty situation without taking on guilt or responsibility for fixing it. Tell the kids they have a right to be upset with what SIL said, and at the same time show empathy for the nephew's situation and SIL's fears for his future. See if you can find a way to help (not out of obligation, but compassion.) Are there tutoring centers available to help nephew catch up with advanced maths and English?
Every parent will get the best resources for their child that they can - it's an innate drive. I would definitely not start apologizing or, God forbid, sacrificing my own children's education for the sake of 'social justice' or some such. Empathize with SIL and offer any resources you might be able to if you want, but understand that it's ultimately her responsibility.
And of course they need to go to the wedding. Backing out at this point would be unthinkable. Teach them to fulfill their social obligations even when it is uncomfortable.

Your SiL is right, though it clearly wasn't the time and place for a discussion, if discussion was to be had at all.

As an aside, I know at least one university which levelled out the playing field between state school applicants and private school kids (who are always likely to have the edge over their state school counterparts if decisions are made on grades alone) by making offers on the basis of the school's average grades. So a state school kid predicted a C in, say, Maths, where the school's average prediction was D would likely be offered a place over a private school kid predicted B where their school's average prediction was A. A good system, in my opinion.

But I digress... I think you should all go to the wedding, and your kids should be encouraged to have a good time, eat lots of cake and dance a lot. Otherwise this will fester and probably never mend. Pulling out of a family wedding in which your kids have a starring role is a big deal.

You have to admit she has a point but by the same taken, as parents we all do the best for your child. Try to take the heat out of this by explaining to your children how this will impact SIL child and the family. They are old and bright enough to understand. If they decide they will boycott SIL wedding, then their private school hadn't done such a good job.

When is the wedding? Is it possible your children may change their minds. People say things in the heat of the moment that they may regret weeks down the line. I'd say least said, soonest mended.

No one has ever berated or been unkind to the aunt’s child so actually why would we consider his feelings? At no point has op suggested any one had ‘bragged’ about their school or grades, you are making it up I am afraid.

Some people are so obsessed with hating the poor SIL, lol. What about her son? He's a child too, just as much as OP's kids. And yet the private-school obsessed can't spare a thought for how he feels when his cousin is bragging about all those fun opportunities ahead and wanting to do "better than fine".

OP is attacked for not standing up for her kids (supposedly, when actually she seems to have helped mediate a decent outcome), but then where is the empathy for SIL who is standing up for her son and others in his position?

Could it be that state educated kids don't matter as much to certain contributors on the thread...? We may never know

Yup decency, kindness and respect for other peoples children are all thrown out of the window, especially if they happen to be privately educated AND have the audacity to be doing well. Then you are done for in this ‘family’

It’s positive alright for the bullying aunt, not so much for the children.

Well handled OP.
I'm glad you are being so understanding of your SIL.
Everything goes out the window when your child is struggling and you are worried.

It just goes to show that when you approach a problem with thought and kindness you may get a more positive outcome.

Quite

can those people who are so critical of the boy say what they think he should have said

Well done op. You handled this well and your lovely children had just been expressing an initial reaction to the argument and had never intended not to go to the wedding. They sound like good kids. Not only teenagers sometimes express an extreme initial reaction then calm down...adults do this too. They sound like good kids and it's given you a wake up call regarding their knowledge of their own privilege. As someone said up thread ...it's not their job to sort out the mess that is education in this country ...but they can be sensitive to their cousin and aunts feelings and you have sorted this. I don't think there's no anything wrong in saying you were disappointed in them saying they wouldn't be going to the wedding. If that had been their true position clearly you would have been disappointing and it's in telling our kids these things calmly and honestly that we help them grow and mature. Believe me, when they go to university they will meet a massive range of teens with different views on this very subject. All teens, all invested in their own experience and perspective and just as passionate at getting their point across as your own teens. A bit of wisdom and perspective now will go a long way in how they manage this later. 💐

Lol, I was outside most of the day you’ll be pleased to know. As touching as your concern is, my real life is such that if I feel like lying around, listening to podcasts and posting on mumsnet for a while, that I do just that.

If you’re going to plop back to drop an attempt at a put down, at least make sure that it’s 1, a good one (aka not one you got on Mumsnet), and 2, doesn’t involved commenting on nonstop posting hours after I last replied.

The most important consideration for me is that children are not responsible for the serious failings in the education system. SiL's frustration and concerns for her child are understandable. She should not, however, have projected these onto her niece and nephew. The school's managerial decisions are not their fault.

Then there's the fraught issue of private education. Had OP's kids attended one of the many really excellent state schools out there, I doubt they would have been made apologists for their 'privilege' in a similar way. Private education isn't always the answer - and it isn't the only answer - to educational inequality, although these days many parents seem to think it is. It isn't a sticking plaster you can put onto every social or educational injustice in the hope that your kids are going to come out with the right connections, a leg-up into the best universities, etc. Unless you were a member of the very privileged classes to start with, and have attended a really exclusive public school, your tuition fees are not going to buy you those kinds of advantages.

We've seriously considered public school for our one DC, who has SEN and is due to transition to secondary next year. But an individual assessment of his needs has convinced us that the local state secondary is a better environment for him. Instead, we are investing in specialised tuition from a local dyslexia charity, and will consider the private tuition appropriate at each stage of his future education. There are other forms of support available to SiL's son if private education was something she really wanted for him, but was beyond her reach. What I don't want to do is remove that choice for others. If you oppose private education on ideological grounds then don't send your kids, it's that simple.

As for OP, it seems this particular bonfire has been put out for now. I think in the future I'd make education a topic of conversation that is strictly verboten, and to change the subject firmly if it ever comes up again. And if SiL's wedding is 'awkward', perhaps it might be a lesson to her to moderate her responses in future. She's an adult: the disclaimer that it's 'just the way she is' won't cut it.

@MrsJoanDanvers
Let's not forget that this is the SIL / aunt who "often and vocally judged" OP.
To my mind, a bully.

Such classism crap littered all over the place. MC or not - who cares - the aunt was not ‘messy’ she was incredibly rude and unkind. I would so love to hear the real story.

Absolute nuts. The OP has handled this very well and been sensible about the whole thing. The kids have acknowledged they threw a hissy fit and withdrew the nuclear option and no doubt SIL is feeling bad. No one behaved wonderfully but they’re human and are a bit messy sometimes. The wedding will be a lovely occasion and be a good opportunity for people eager to make up. And sickened? Show some perspective-many things are sickening but a middle class family occasion where people got cross and said a few unwise things then felt bad is hardly sickening.