To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

Eurgh. Why are weddings seen as such an excuse to behave so badly?

Fuck it all.

When I got married my MIL wore a trouser suit in a shade of lilac very close to (but not close enough) to the bridesmaids. I didn't have a clue she as planning on it and it didn't occur to me to mind.

(Coincidentally this woman is now an ex MIL and from what I know now of her personality, I can't shake the feeling it was deliberate 😂. But if she wanted to piss me off at the time, she failed)

I'm having my hair done at 11 and need to do X beforehand. Ill see you at the church - so exciting! And step back. Any objections received - "but I'm not one of the bridesmaids??

Agree - haven't decided what I'm wearing yet. Lots of nice sales at the moment.

It's not her usual behaviour, so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well, the four of us a group.

You get on so well that not one of you can explain how her behaviour is making you feel? 🙄

There are some very weird 'friendships' on Mumsnet.

I'd not be going, not a chance.

Why don't you just communicate all of this with her?

No white outfit
No Mr Bobby outfit..
Anything else just go for it..

I think I'd say I can't afford it.... cost of hen do, a specific dress that she needs to approve of that you are unlikely to wear again, a hairdresser when you could have done your own hair.... I'd be pulling out unless you desperately want to go. It does sound very unreasonable of her.

I would just think the groom has to live with her and say thanks but no thanks

Fuck. That. Step away from the crazy op, step away now! This woman is a CF/bridezilla/other word for bonkers!

so given your update, OP, the kind thing here is to say to her what you just said to us.

And if she insists that no approval = no invitation? Tell her to have a lovely day, enjoy the honeymoon and you'll enjoy hearing about it one evening when she gets back. Send her a card/telegram and possibly a gift too, if you feel so inclined.

Friends should be honest with each other when one is being an absolute arse.

You're not a bridesmaid, she doesn't need an audience to get ready. Just do your own hair at home,

Start gradually stepping away, OP. You've organised the hen do, and contributed to it too. That's a good effort in itself. If she asks what you're wearing, say you haven't decided yet. Also, if possible, extricate yourself from getting ready with her - use whatever excuse you can - transport, needed at home, have to work for a few hours - whatever you can. She may return to being a decent person after the stress of her wedding is over, but for now you need to protect yourself by having as little to do with her as you possibly can.

The only person that I've ever run my wedding outfit by was my daughter! And I wore a dress that I already owned but which made me feel good (all new accessories though).

Bizarre behaviour on her part.

Why are you going to all this effort and hassle for someone who thinks so little of you they don't even have the decency to invite you to the wedding dinner even though you are "like a bridesmaid"

You aren't a bridesmaid, she definitely doesn't get to approve your dress. Who is this bride? She sounds like an entitled nightmare.

Fuck me.

Hasn't that other thing come up, OP? That private, urgent, more important than a wedding thing? What a shame it's on the same day.

Why are you letting this woman walk all over you?

save yourself all the hassle, decline the invitation, encourage the other 2 friends to do the same, and all 3 of you go out somewhere fun on that day.

Can you get your hair done at her house? Get together with the others and organise a mobile hairdresser to do you all?

But getting the dress 'approved' is daft.

Black to a wedding is actually very chic, eg Italian weddings, where the bride in white then really stands out amongst all the black dresses.
But I have never heard of a bride checking out the guests' outfits. I'd be tempted to send her a "suitable" picture, and then turn up on the day in jeans and a T shirt (which is fine, if that's what you want to wear - a bride should only wish for her guests to be comfortable and enjoying themselves, tbh).
I also wouldn't be going to her house at 8am if I'm not an actual bridesmaid - what a waste of time!

Just decline the invitation. You don’t appear to much like each other and if she doesn’t know you’ve put on a lot of weight since she last saw you, she clearly isn’t somebody you have to see very often, anyway.

Ugh, I wouldn’t be going, I can’t stand all this ridiculous behaviour. No, don’t send her pictures of what you are going to wear, and don’t spend the whole morning at her house if it’s not convenient for you.

Fuck me that's ridiculous

Shapewear for a size 14 is unacceptable ???

Give up your whole morning but not even invited to the dinner ??

Wedding outfit approval ??

Forget asking her permission on the dress, I'd be telling her I wasn't going at all!

Presumesbly you want to go to this wedding, (although dear knows why, it doesn't sound very enjoyable)... so I would just try to relax about it a bit. Yes I'd be thrilled to pop and see you the morning of wedding, can't wait to see you in your dress, got my hair appointment at xyz so I'll be there at X time, after I've had breakfast! Don't get too worked up.
Unless you think your clothing is for some reason unsuitable, don't send her a picture- you know she's going to say something derogatory, just don't put yourself in that position.
Hope you do have a lovely day.