To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

A couple of years ago I was asked (well ordered!) to go home and change because apparently my choice of dress was not appropriate!! It was a pale pink floral maxi dress it didn’t even look bridal ? The brides mother and sister told me I needed to change and that ‘trying to upstage the bride is awful’

…probably, by the sounds of it!🤣

I do think SM, instagram etc have a lot to blame for the rise in this sort of attitude. Events like this have shifted from being about celebrating with friends and loved ones to a major opportunity to project one’s image and lifestyle to the World ( or as much of it as gives a toss …)

I think I would simply say “That doesn’t work for me, Mate. I’ll see you there.”

Ah, a classic MN response. This doesn’t much help the OP’s current scenario though..

Spot on! Wear what u want OP, absolutely no need for bride's approval. End of

The bride sounds like a spoiled brat, no you don't need her to approve of your outfit! Also you can tell her "I'll be getting my hair done at 9am so will be at yours around 10.30" , completely ridiculous for you to be there any earlier and fit in getting your hair done - I would also not want to be getting dressed and doing my makeup at someone else's house but would compromise on that!

I think pick your battles - if it was me I would send photos of two dresses and let her pick one (both being dresses you either own or are happy to purchase and wear) but I would say no to going to her house the morning of the wedding. You’re either a bridesmaid or you’re not - and you’re not! Just tell her you can’t as you have your own hair appointment (at her ladyship’s behest!).

As for after the wedding - I’d organise dinner with the others if I wanted to, but otherwise I’d be home into pjs and ordering a takeaway.

I think she can dictate (to an extent) the wedding itself, but not before or after it!

And what would happen if you didn't bother with a hairdresser and just brushed your own hair, would she even notice.

I can't believe you're even contemplating the evening do tbh.

Evening invitations are something you send to colleagues and distant friends, people who you quite like but not enough to make the cut for the dinner. There's no pressure to attend as an evening guest as it's a casual invite by it's nature. The fact she's made it childfree has given you the perfect reason to say that DD needs you in the evening so you won't be there, but have a great time.

I wouldn't be going just for the ceremony but if you want to then that's your choice.

tell her to fuck off. DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING.

… or respond and say: “really not that keen to discuss my outfit with you after I saw how you responded to SIL, dictating what she could and couldn’t wear and shaming her about her body and shape wear.”

Tbh I don't understand the drama about what people wear at the wedding at all.
Unless you book somethung wherr guests will be turned away by the venue for showing up in casual wear, or something specific like a beach there is no reason to make fuss.

My best friend showed up in a micro hot pink dress. It is her style and it would be odd for me to ask her to buy somwthing thatfits whatever crazy idea I have.

Heard it all now. It's like a virus, mememememememmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Fuck that shit!

If she wants bridesmaids, she can have bridesmaids, with all that entails.

If she wants you to buy your own dress and pay for your own hair, fuck off after the ceremony then feed yourselves, pop your daughter off to childcare before coming back for the evening do, then you're not her bridesmaids (you're not even mildly important guests if you can't stay for the day) and she can't dictate what your wear or decree that you're at her house to do what bridesmaids do before the wedding.

Honestly, now the hen do is over, take her out for coffee and spell some of these things out to her. No, she does not get to dictate your outfits (and by the way the way she spoke about somebody else's dress size was atrotious). No she doesn't get handmaidens for before the wedding AND for you to somehow have enough time to get ready for yourselves and miraculously time travel so that you arrive with your partners. Actually, it's bloody offensive that she expects you to spend so much money on her hen do, all of this extra faffing, yet you're expected to fuck off for a few hours and not join the wedding party for dinner.

Tell her honestly with kindness that she's being very hurtful in the way she is treating you all, and when the wedding day and honeymoon is over, she might wish she hadn't seriously upset her closest friends.

All this shit and you don't even make the dinner cut? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Ok what the fuck? How did I miss that you're not even invited to the dinner? So she wants you to 'pretend' to be bridesmaids and do aaalllll the work of one without the title, go there early, AND not even be given a dinner?

OP, for fuck sake, she is a selfish piece of shit!! Wake up.

We could have had a weekend away for the total amount we will have spent on her wedding by the time we're done!

Cut your losses NOW! Pull out NOW! And save the rest of the money you would have spent on this selfish turd of a person.

Yanbu. It would never occur to me to check with the bride if she thinks my dress is ok. And anyway I usually have a couple of options depending on the weather.

I don't wear black or white to a wedding and I wouldn't wear something overtly sexy, just as a matter of good manners. Beyond that, it's none of her business.

When inviting people to your wedding, you have two options:
-Invite to whole event including the ceremony, reception dinner and evening party
-Invite to the evening party only, which should include some food, such as a buffet or canapes

An invite to the ceremony only is not a thing, especially not if you expect "duties" to be performed.

I think you need to be frank with Bridezilla. Talk to the other "bridesmaids" and come to a consensus on what you want to do- and then all send a variation of:

"I've had a look at my schedule and 8am isn't going to work for me. I'm happy to come to the reception, but being honest I've never heard of anyone being asked to act like a bridesmaid and not asked to the dinner, I feel it's a bit rude. As I'm only going to be there for a couple of hours, I don't think it's worth getting my hair done. I am wearing this outfit, which can be worn again, as I don't have money to spend on an outfit for one day, let alone a few hours on one day. If you have a specific outfit you'd like me to wear, you are welcome to buy an outfit and I'll put it on before I come."

She needs to find out that her expectations are unreasonable.

Just ask her for clarification. Am I a bridesmaid, in which case you choose what I wear to fit in with the wedding party and you pay for it; or am I a guest, in which case I get to choose my own outfit that is useful to me on other occasions too? Please clarify. But I’m not interested in paying to have my outfit vetted and selected.

Eta in either case, I’ll choose my own underwear.

It's an invitation - not a summons!

I'd tell her thanks for the invite but it's just not going to be possible to attend the wedding after all.

Spend the time and money on yourselves!

stop being such a limp lettuce. Either suck it up and get on with it, or tell her what you have told us.

So you're invited to watch her get ready, to the ceremony and to an evening party but not the meal? She's really saving money on the expensive part of the day, isn't she?

Reply "Thank you so much for asking me to come and watch you getting ready on xyz but I think you will have quite enough of a crowd with your bridesmaids, mother, MiL. I'll just get my own hair, make-up and dress sorted and see you at the venue." Stick to this whatever she responds. I suggest the other two 'close friends but not quite close enough to be bridesmaids' do the same. Don't run your dress choice past her, if she asks to see it just say you haven't decided yet or want it to be a surprise. Your DH can hire a suit if he doesn't already own one and doesn't want to.

"Gosh sorry I haven't got any photos. But it's lovely.. not as lovely as yours though and of course you won't even care because it's your big day! Uk so looking forward to it, what did you decide to do about make up/ flowers/ cake in the end?"
Change the subject and do not answer. Eventually she'll get the message

She sounds like a real nasty piece of work. And I don't buy that it's the 'stress' of weddings that bring the bridezillas out. You're either a nasty piece of work in your heart and soul and that comes out, or you aren't and it doesn't because you're simply not capable of it.

Also she wants the free ride of having bridesmaids without giving you that official term. Probably so she can save on money and wedding favours.

It's early enough I'd pull out of the wedding altogether. Sorry, I would. You're a mug if you continue. She judges people on looks and appearance, and she won't even give you the decency of title of bridesmaid. No title - no my labor and time/effort. Have some self respect and pull out. It doesn't sound like she'd be a loss anyway. Older I get, the more self respect I have and the less fucks I have to give. I'd rather have very few (but decent hearted people) friends, than lots of friends who are shit people and treat people like shit.