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Original poster

To not ask the bride to approve my outfit for the wedding

187 replies

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:22

Well basically this.. apparently all the other friends and family have sent her pictures of what the were planning to wear for her wedding. She made some scathing remarks about her sister in law who wanted to buy a dress she would also be able to wear after the wedding. Apparently that's shameful behaviour, just like wearing a black dress. Also, not realising that I am now also a size 14, she was very insulting about the fact that her sister in law thought that wearing shapewear might make the dress she wanted suitable (of course she didn't get to buy that, but instead had to buy what was deemed suitable buy the bride 'for her size'.

I should say, that me and 2 other friends were regarded by her as 'like bridesmaids' but not officially... well that also means we are expected to be at her house at 8 in the morning on the wedding day watching her get dressed, make up, hair done etc. But even after spending a lot of time and money organising her hen's do (well 2 days actually instead of 1 to accommodate her sister in law, we are expected to organise and pay for our own hair dresser. How we are going to fit in if we have to spend the entire morning a her house I don't know. Also we are not invited to dinner, only the parents and the witnesses.

So I guess the fact that she now expects to approve my outfit just grates with me. Feels like she has one a bit bridezilla to me.

Also - there are no dress rules on the invitation and last year she still said that we should just wear what we like.. (guess that has changed(

So am I unreasonable?
YES you are being unreasonable - this is her wedding and it's normal that she wants to make sure everyone wears something that fits her idea of the wedding.
NO - you are not being unreasonable and this sounds a bit bridezilla

OP posts:
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Parker231 · 15/02/2025 19:02

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 10:49

Thank you for your replies so far, I feel a bit better because I was starting to think I was the one being difficult...

Thing is, she started of very laid back but as we get closer to the wedding she seems to get more and more into the 'wedding business' and more controlling.
Also they're spending a lot of money on the wedding, with a professional planner even though at first she said she didn't want all that... But in the mean time we as friends have also spent a lot of money on her wedding, it's not even my party is it.. so it feels like unkind behaviour that she keeps expecting more and more but won't even arrange the hair dresser, while she literally didn't have to spend anything on the two hen days. But she does still expect us to be there the whole morning.

It's not her usual behaviour, so yes actually I usually like her very much and we do get on well, the four of us a group.
She asked us to arrange the hen do, but didn't want a large suite. But now I'm feeling like that was more about the money, so she didn't have to spend anything on us: no dinner, no dress, no hair dresser and not even one round of drinks on the hen.
I can even accept that, but the approving of an outfit I pay for myself, more money spent for her wedding, just took it that step too far for me.
And yes I would have liked to buy something I can wear again later, not the long gala dresses she is now expecting...

You don’t have to go to her house on the morning of the wedding, you can wear any appropriate outfit you like and can your hair done by who you want or do it yourself. Why aren’t you making decisions for yourself?

WonderingWanda · 15/02/2025 18:59

I paid for my dd's dress for both my siblings weddings, and I think £60 is pretty standard for a bridesmaid dress. I think you are letting your opinions about their extravagance cloud your judgement. If they were having a cheap registry office weddings you probably wouldn't bat an eye lid. Their weddings does sound ridiculously expensive and inwardly I would think they are idiots for wasting their money on all that. However if my dd wasn't a bridesmaid I would still need to get her a dress.

Goodtogossip · 05/11/2024 13:17

If she asks what you're wearing to the wedding just tell her you've not decided yet. You have a few ideas but not 100% sure. Once you have your outfit just don't tell her & if she asks just keep saying you're still not sure & will see how you feel on the day. If you're paying for your own outfit & you're not an 'official Bridesmaid' then she really doesn't have any say as to what you wear. It'd be different if she were paying for a bridesmaid dress, then you'd have to suck it up but not if she's not contributing at all.

MaryEllenWaldron · 10/10/2024 13:17

maybeamistake · 07/10/2024 12:19

It was similar to this one but a few shades paler more of a baby pink with a rose pink floral pattern

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Beautiful dress, the sleeves are gorgeous, and ideal for a wedding. I'd have chosen the paler pink too. In no way is that remotely bridal. If I was the bride, I'd feel honoured that a guest had gone to the trouble of finding such a lovely outfit. The real reason is that you looked fabulous and the bride was furious that you were no longer the fat friend, but looked much better than she did! She did a dreadful thing to you because she was jealous.

Congratulations on getting fit too. Five stones weight loss is an great achievement.

Grammarnut · 10/10/2024 00:00

I wouldn't ask the bride if my outfit was ok with her, and I would certainly buy something I'd wear again - how not? You aren't bridesmaids. She's bridezillah.

independencefreedom · 09/10/2024 12:32

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:59

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

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Why not go dress completely inappropriately and give them something to really talk about?

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 09/10/2024 08:17

speedmop · 07/10/2024 16:25

I felt so very sorry for the SIL and so very angry at her

but not quite enough to actually do or say anything

Well, I was quite hung over and anything I would have said would have been completely without filter I know.. doesn't mean that she won't still be hearing my opinion after this dreadful wedding business is over.

Anyway, have already told her and the friends that no one will receive pictures from me of possible outfits. I have said that as long as I am expected to pay for the outfit myself I will buy whatever I want and will not be playing any games with approvals.
As expected I am now the bitchy, difficult one who doesn't join into the 'fun' in the yes of bride and some friends..oh well..

OP posts:
canyouseemyhousefromhere · 09/10/2024 00:14

Sod that for a game of soldiers, I'd be planning for a nice night out with my DP or a quiet night in with a good film & bottle of wine.

There's nothing worse than an entitled, selfish bride.

Elsvieta · 08/10/2024 20:52

Huh? Who except for the bride, and actual bridesmaids if there are any, ever buys a wedding outfit that they CAN'T wear for other things afterwards?

Bride sounds nuts. Don't pander to her.

DisabledDemon · 08/10/2024 18:35

Nightmare! I wouldn't go - she sounds a right PITA.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 16:25

I felt so very sorry for the SIL and so very angry at her

but not quite enough to actually do or say anything

speedmop · 07/10/2024 16:25

I had to fight so hard not to give her my opinion on how she had treated her sister in law over her dress. The way she showed us a picture and said 'well it's like a size 16 trying to fit into a 14, and I told her that shapewear wouldn't help, so no she couldn't wear the dress'. I know that the SIL doesn't have anywhere near her income and that the SIL does have other difficulties I felt so very sorry for the SIL and so very angry at her

How on earth could you have heard this bitching and stayed silent, and then not said that you wouldn’t be attending

rainfallpurevividcat · 07/10/2024 15:40

Newoldnameplease · 07/10/2024 13:36

My two SILs and all their children wore the bridesmaids colours at our wedding. I didn't know they were going to and I was surprised at the time. I don't think that their intentions were malicious, though.

It made no difference to me or to the day. DH and I still got married and everyone enjoyed themselves.

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My DM and MIL asked me what the wedding colours were so they could buy something co-ordinate with the wedding party. But I wouldn't have minded what they wore tbh.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 15:33

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2024 15:30

I just can't believe you're not even getting dinner out of this. 😱

It’s mumsnet

Of course you do! 😆

speedmop · 07/10/2024 15:32

how regularly do you and this “friend” get together in person Op?

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2024 15:30

I just can't believe you're not even getting dinner out of this. 😱

speedmop · 07/10/2024 15:27

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:59

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

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and this is someone you really like and get on well with?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 07/10/2024 14:58

Demanding to see and approve the outfits your guests intend to wear is appallingly bad manners. What is this woman thinking? Tacky, tacky, tacky!

MaryEllenWaldron · 07/10/2024 14:39

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 11:31

Yes that's what's the plan: we can come over in the morning to make the getting ready special for her, then go to the ceremony with partner somehow and then wait until the party in the evening...

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That's crazy. It sounds like it would be the day from hell for you if you and your friends and DH go along with this. I'd recommend, as her friends, telling her (as a group) that she's behaving irrationally in a way that will affect her friendship with the rest of you for the future.

You say she's not like this normally, so someone needs to point this out to her as she sounds like she's stressed herself out completely - having a professional wedding planner won't have helped - and she's lost all sense of perspective. In the end the day is about herself and her DH-to-be making vows to stay together, with family and friends enjoying that moment. That includes sitting down with everyone for the dinner!

diddl · 07/10/2024 14:30

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:14

Just received a message from another friend.. she says she sent pictures to the bride and she liked the dress so now she'll order it..
Am I the only one being difficult or angry about this?

Either buy me a dress you want me to wear or you'll just see what I wear on the day and you'll just have to accept it?

Oh so are you a pretend bridesmaid because then she feels she can dictate what you wear?

Honestly it's all such nonsense Op & tbh I think that you are a fool for going along with any of it.

You've paid for two hen does??!!!

DaniW1234 · 07/10/2024 14:13

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:59

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

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In other words you're still going to go? ???

Why did you even bother posting?

Owly11 · 07/10/2024 14:12

Opentooffers · 07/10/2024 12:38

Odd to shell out money for a wedding planner, then do everything on the cheap. like no bridesmaids, a tiny dinner together etc. Maybe the 'wedding planner' is more of a 'budget manager' and her budget is quite small. Perhaps guilt or embarrassment about not being able to fund the usual wedding expectations has made her try to control the 'free' aspects of the wedding. She didn't want to fork out for bridesmaids dresses, so next best thing is to ensure her 'bridesmaids/ friends' dresses co-ordinate in some way?

Edited

I agree with this - it sounds like everything is motivated by her being a cheapskate. It's fine to not be able to afford a wedding, but you shouldn't expect other people to pay for all the gaps. I would just stop spending any more money, time or thought on this. I would plan the day as best suits you and your family and stick to it. You have already spent enough.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/10/2024 14:09

I'd send her a photo of a completely unsuitable dress and wait for her to kick off. Then I'd laugh and say I thought it was a joke wanting to approve dresses as surely only a Bridezilla would make that sort of request.

Shouldiorshouldinotthen · 07/10/2024 14:02

Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:59

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

Show quote history

I think you are basically just putting up and shutting up about the way she has treated you, again to suit her and make her happy. You have to do what you thinks best

Original poster
Cupcakemum79 · 07/10/2024 13:59

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 13:38

Am I the only one being difficult or angry about this?

Oh come on, you're milking this now OP.

How many replies do you want before you start listening?

Show quote history

Didn't mean to be milking this sorry.
Just sitting here frustrated seeing everyone else give in to this.

I won't be showing her anything or telling her what I'll wear.
She should know I will always try to dress appropriately.
And I'll just try to ignore her and maybe have a talk with her after the wedding.
Don't want to cause drama a couple of weeks before her wedding from my end.

OP posts: