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Original poster

Comment at work

43 replies

Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 09:16

A colleague at work commented on my arse as we walked up the stairs and I'm reeling.

He said something along the lines of - "I can see your arse from here" and I felt embarrassed and violated.

He was very careful and did this when we were alone, away from the rest of the office.

Initially I was shocked and put it down to the fact he is senior and used to treat women this way but as the days went on I was angry and couldn't get it out of my head.

I decided to tell him firmly that such comments were not acceptable and he tried to deny it saying that they weren't meant to be taken like that and that he was sorry that it had upset me.

I have a lot of deadlines at work this week and it's been stressful to deal with. Am I being sensitive or unreasonable to feel stressed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 10:18

I know he has done this to a colleague also. Asked her about her sex life as a joke.

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 07/10/2024 10:15

Cross-posted. You don’t have to raise a formal grievance. You can simply email to say that while you feel that the situation is now closed, you do think it was sufficiently concerning that HR should be aware of what happened in case anyone else comes forward with a similar issue.

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/10/2024 10:14

You have dealt with this very well. I would probably send an email to HR about the incident, both what happened and also his response when challenged.

Even if you don’t want to make it a grievance at this stage, having it on file now in case he either treats you poorly in future as a result, or tries it on with someone less able to push back at this kind of behaviour, is probably wise. You will not be the only person he does this to.

Original poster
Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 10:11

Can you send a discrete message to HR or does it have to be a formal grievance?

OP posts:
Owly11 · 07/10/2024 10:02

You have dealt with this really well and sent him a clear message you won't tolerate it. Hopefully that is enough to mean he won't try it again. However, I would send a discreet note to HR to put it on his record too, just in case he takes any retaliatory steps.

Original poster
Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 10:02

He knew it was wrong as he knew what I was referring to as soon as I mentioned it. He was trying to get away with as much as possible. Pushing it to see how far he could push me. What a disgusting man.

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 07/10/2024 10:01

You dealt with it really well - I know I would feel really embarrassed and flustered - but I think you should still report it. I can’t really see what context he thought it would be taken in.

Changingplace · 07/10/2024 09:58

Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 09:48

That's how I felt. I told him no matter how you meant it. You don't comment on my arse. It is not acceptable.

Exactly, his response is pushing the issue on you, suggesting that the problem isn’t what he says, but the way you’ve taken it when he’s decided you ‘should’ see it as a joke.

He’s the one who is in the wrong here, how anyone can think making this kind of comment in the workplace is ok just shows his ignorance here.

Original poster
Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 09:57

No idea.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 07/10/2024 09:56

I think you dealt with it well. Was he actually deliberately looking up your skirt? If so I would still report.

PatsyPatsysaid · 07/10/2024 09:54

I've worked with men (only female in the team until few years ago) for years and have never had a comment like that. I know that any man in my place of work would be in trouble for making inappropriate comments like that. If he can't see he's done wrong (because hey "he's senior, it's something he's always done) he'll likely to do it again. Think of your (younger) colleagues - would they put up with it? Would they leave and say what a sexist place your company is?

KimberleyClark · 07/10/2024 09:54

Awful comment but well done on how you dealt with it.

MellersSmellers · 07/10/2024 09:52

Stupid and unnecessary comment which you dealt with well. I would also report it to HR in case there is a pattern of behaviour here.
Move on. You've proved yourself a strong woman

Original poster
Scribblesforme · 07/10/2024 09:48

That's how I felt. I told him no matter how you meant it. You don't comment on my arse. It is not acceptable.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 07/10/2024 09:42

justkeepswimmng · 07/10/2024 09:17

I mean, it sounds like you dealt with it great.

You put him in his place and he apologized, move on.

He didn’t apologise for saying it, saying he’s sorry if it upset the OP doesn’t suggest he thinks it’s wrong, only that he’s sorry she’s called him out on it.

Changingplace · 07/10/2024 09:40

Ugh that’s gross, I would tell my manager if this happened to me and if someone on my team told me something like this I’d take it seriously.

Even the way he’s reacted doesn’t actually suggest he thinks he’s done anything wrong, I bet you’re not the first person he’s said this kind of thing to.

Alina3 · 07/10/2024 09:30

YANBU

I would report this. Doesn't matter whether you have evidence or not. Alone, it won't lead to any serious outcomes from him, but as part of an overall pattern of behaviour it needs to be noted formally. Absolutely unaccepted.

justkeepswimmng · 07/10/2024 09:17

I mean, it sounds like you dealt with it great.

You put him in his place and he apologized, move on.

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