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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst MIL?

89 replies

TodayandThursday · 07/10/2024 06:04

My DS, has been married for 7 years to a lovely lady. She and I get on well enough, go out for meals and evenings out 2-3 times a year just the 2 of us.

She's great for my son and they seem to adore each other. My son is hard work and she's amazing what she puts up with. I mean nothing bad, but he's disorganised and I'm pretty sure she does all the life admin.

Anyway nothing to do with me as long as they're happy, which they seem to be! They've invited me on holiday with them before so we all definitely get on well.

I've read the MIL threads on here and have listened and learned :)

Anyway I've given you all this boring stuff to show there is no awful backstory.

Right so here's my AIBU. I expect to get my ass handed to me on a plate but here goes.

AIBU to not go to my son's birthday meal.His lovely wife has invited me out to a meal to celebrate my son's birthday, BUT all her family will be there too.

I have nothing against her family they're lovely sweet people, but just not my "cup of tea". I really don't want to go.

I'll have to travel 3 hours there and back, pay money I don't have, for a meal I don't want to sit with 10 people (not including son and DIL) who I'd have to make boring small talk with.

As you can probably tell I'm post menopausal and making boring small talk is my worst nightmare.

I'd rather just have a meal another day with DIL and son. To be honest I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen.

So am I being unreasonable not to go?

  • yes totally unreasonable, suck it up, it's only once a year.
  • no not unreasonable, make your excuses and arrange another meal with your son and DIL.
OP posts:
MayaPinion · 07/10/2024 06:42

I think that's fine. It's not like you'd get to spend a lot of time with your DS given the number of other people there. A breezy 'I can't make that date but have a great time. I'll do a birthday tea for Bob when we next get together' should suffice.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/10/2024 06:27

‘Oh, I’m so sorry but I can’t make that date and time! I don’t want to disrupt the plans you’ve already made so please go ahead and have fun and I’ll arrange a treat for Son on another day/I’ll take you both out to celebrate his birthday another day’.

I don’t blame you. I’d feel the same.

Overbythewaterfountain · 07/10/2024 06:26

You're essentially turning down an invitation to your son's birthday celebration? It's a bit odd to me, to say you don't want to do that but you want to do some else (or not) for his birthday. Don't you see them without his in laws at other times throughout the year?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 07/10/2024 06:26

It’s a long way and they may have invited you out of politeness not expecting you to come. I’d thank them and say the journey is too much as you’ve been feeling tired lately.

Skate76 · 07/10/2024 06:26

I think it's ok to arrange another day. Don't do what my in-laws do and accept the invitation then be very rude when there to make it clear they'd rather be anywhere else! I'm sure you're not the worst in law 😆🤣

autienotnaughty · 07/10/2024 06:19

I'd either explain money is a little tight or say you don't feel well the day before and don't want to risk passing something on. Then offer to do a separate meal.

MrsToothyBitch · 07/10/2024 06:14

I think that's fine. I'd contrive to not be free the day of the big meal and invite the 2 of them out "instead".

dragonfliesandbees · 07/10/2024 06:13

The travel alone sounds like a good enough reason not to go. Six hour round trip just for a meal?! I wouldn’t expect anyone to do that.

AvoidingStalkers · 07/10/2024 06:13

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable- it isn't about you, it's what your son wants for his birthday.
On the other hand you mentioned it would involve spending money you don't have so for me that would be the deciding factor rather than it being about DILs family.

Boobygravy · 07/10/2024 06:13

We’ve just travelled 600 miles to attend dd’s in-laws significant celebration.
They are really great people, very different to us.
We did it because
a) we like them
b) they’re lovely to dd and jolly good grandparents to dgc.
c) it’s important to us that we have good extended family relationships as it makes it easier to understand the dynamics of dd’s relationship with her dh.

See it as an investment in future family harmony.

BigDahliaFan · 07/10/2024 06:13

I think you can suggest meal with just you and your son. My mil has a meal a couple of times a year that's just fil, mil, and their 2 sons without me or other DIL. I quite like the night in ok my own.

pilates · 07/10/2024 06:11

YANBU
The second option sounds perfectly fine.

Octavia64 · 07/10/2024 06:07

Very few people enjoy spending time with the family of their son's/daughter's partner.

It's up to you whether you decide it's worth it for family harmony or not.

My parents didn't get in with exH's parents (to be fair my dad had cancer and a stoma and they tried to feed him things he shouldn't eat despite the menu being extensively discussed in advance).

Hoglet70 · 07/10/2024 06:06

I don't think this is unreasonable, I wouldn't go either in those circumstances. If you don't want to explain yourself just plead a mild case of Covid a couple of days before. She wont want you to kill off her Granny!