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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst MIL?

89 replies

TodayandThursday · 07/10/2024 06:04

My DS, has been married for 7 years to a lovely lady. She and I get on well enough, go out for meals and evenings out 2-3 times a year just the 2 of us.

She's great for my son and they seem to adore each other. My son is hard work and she's amazing what she puts up with. I mean nothing bad, but he's disorganised and I'm pretty sure she does all the life admin.

Anyway nothing to do with me as long as they're happy, which they seem to be! They've invited me on holiday with them before so we all definitely get on well.

I've read the MIL threads on here and have listened and learned :)

Anyway I've given you all this boring stuff to show there is no awful backstory.

Right so here's my AIBU. I expect to get my ass handed to me on a plate but here goes.

AIBU to not go to my son's birthday meal.His lovely wife has invited me out to a meal to celebrate my son's birthday, BUT all her family will be there too.

I have nothing against her family they're lovely sweet people, but just not my "cup of tea". I really don't want to go.

I'll have to travel 3 hours there and back, pay money I don't have, for a meal I don't want to sit with 10 people (not including son and DIL) who I'd have to make boring small talk with.

As you can probably tell I'm post menopausal and making boring small talk is my worst nightmare.

I'd rather just have a meal another day with DIL and son. To be honest I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen.

So am I being unreasonable not to go?

  • yes totally unreasonable, suck it up, it's only once a year.
  • no not unreasonable, make your excuses and arrange another meal with your son and DIL.
OP posts:
SALaw · 07/10/2024 08:30

Why do you have a meal just with your daughter in law a couple of times a year then say a meal just with your son will never happen?!

Lissyy · 07/10/2024 08:28

Lissyy · 07/10/2024 08:27

I think the travel is a lot, but the rest of it you're being totally unreasonable. And your little line about you'd rather have the meal with just your son doesn't sit well at all.

Actually just seen its not 3 hours there and 3 back, it's 1.5 each way. So I think you are being totally unreasonable yes.

Lissyy · 07/10/2024 08:27

I think the travel is a lot, but the rest of it you're being totally unreasonable. And your little line about you'd rather have the meal with just your son doesn't sit well at all.

FerienInLipizza · 07/10/2024 08:26

In your particular circumstances, I would plaster on a smile and go. I would just suck it up because your DIL is so lovely and for no other reason.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/10/2024 08:22

Sounds like there are deeper issues. Why can't you just call your son directly and arrange an outing with him?

What does being menopausal have to do with one's ability to make small talk?

biglipslittlehips · 07/10/2024 08:20

Boobygravy · 07/10/2024 06:13

We’ve just travelled 600 miles to attend dd’s in-laws significant celebration.
They are really great people, very different to us.
We did it because
a) we like them
b) they’re lovely to dd and jolly good grandparents to dgc.
c) it’s important to us that we have good extended family relationships as it makes it easier to understand the dynamics of dd’s relationship with her dh.

See it as an investment in future family harmony.

A) you like them.

That's completely different to this situation where the OP has said she really has nothing in common and doesn't really connect with them at all

Turnitoffnonagain · 07/10/2024 08:17

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/10/2024 06:27

‘Oh, I’m so sorry but I can’t make that date and time! I don’t want to disrupt the plans you’ve already made so please go ahead and have fun and I’ll arrange a treat for Son on another day/I’ll take you both out to celebrate his birthday another day’.

I don’t blame you. I’d feel the same.

As someone usually says "it's an invitation not a summons".
I wouldn't make up an excuse either, and they'd be rude to press you for one. It doesn't work for me is good enough.

rookiemere · 07/10/2024 08:06

With your latest post as it's only 1.5 hrs each way, I'd make the effort and go, unless the cost of the meal would be prohibitive for you.

Your DIL is the one facilitating the relationship with your DS, who knows you might enjoy the lunch.

KindOf · 07/10/2024 08:05

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 07:14

I also think your feelings are more about the lack of effort your son is making rather than dil’s family. If you reflect on what you have said - yes they are not your cup of tea - but the real point you are making is that you never spend any time with your son alone. You seem hurt by this, and I wonder if this is the real reason why you don’t want to go.

You call him a man baby which isn’t nice op, and gives me the impression you are really quite angry and resentful under the surface. It’s okay to have those feelings, but your resentment needs to be acknowledged. You are redirecting this unfairly towards your dil and her family.

Edited

Yes, exactly. If you want to see him solo, phone him and suggest it, and stop projecting onto his wife and her family.

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 08:03

I suspect there is a whole backstory to this.

thesunisastar · 07/10/2024 08:00

It's not clear from your posts what you believe is the reason that you're not seeing more of your son.

Is it because your son is completely useless/uninterested, and that you wouldn't see him at all if it wasn't for DIL arranging it? And that she would have no issue with you and DS meeting up alone if he showed any signs of being interested in doing this?

Or is it that she is controlling and putting up barriers to you spending time together on any terms other than the ones she dictates?

Lifestooshort71 · 07/10/2024 07:44

There's quite a bit of barely hidden passive-aggressiveness in your posts towards her family (and her?) that says you wouldn't be very good company if you did go. Your son is pretty lousy at life's admin and if it wasn't for your DIL you'd rarely see him but you see that as her interfering and not facilitating. I'd swerve the evening meal, genuinely thank her for inviting you and give a plausible excuse (you're feeling a bit weary atm and wouldn't be very good company in a group?). Can he do the 3-hr round trip to see you on his own sometimes? It's easy to lose track of sons once they're married so time together is precious. As DIL has to organise him, perhaps involve her in getting him to pencil in a date and be honest with her - say you miss having 121 time with him. Good luck.

LL1991 · 07/10/2024 07:39

Not unreasonable at all. My MIL sort of avoids my mother because they don’t quite click. I make separate plans with them and the relevant excuses to get out of this meal - can’t afford hotel, too far to drive and get home late, etc, etc.

Maloneyb · 07/10/2024 07:37

Skate76 · 07/10/2024 06:26

I think it's ok to arrange another day. Don't do what my in-laws do and accept the invitation then be very rude when there to make it clear they'd rather be anywhere else! I'm sure you're not the worst in law 😆🤣

Ditto mine too. Passive aggressive and moody 😂🙄

2Old2Tango · 07/10/2024 07:37

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 07:14

I also think your feelings are more about the lack of effort your son is making rather than dil’s family. If you reflect on what you have said - yes they are not your cup of tea - but the real point you are making is that you never spend any time with your son alone. You seem hurt by this, and I wonder if this is the real reason why you don’t want to go.

You call him a man baby which isn’t nice op, and gives me the impression you are really quite angry and resentful under the surface. It’s okay to have those feelings, but your resentment needs to be acknowledged. You are redirecting this unfairly towards your dil and her family.

Edited

Yep, this!

Maloneyb · 07/10/2024 07:35

“I'd rather have meal with just me and son, but that will never happen” - explain this one?

firstly, you don’t sound awful, certainly not the worst (that’s mine!)
the fact you both share dinners out 2-3 times a year is lovely.
but I do think you’re being unreasonable- especially not to explain why you won’t go.

her family not being your cup of tea is just tough, it’s your sons bday, his wife has arranged something for him and you’ve been invited. I think you need to explain it to her and it’d be really interesting to know why you said that about a meal with just your son never happening?

DozyBugger · 07/10/2024 07:27

Ah sorry just seen your last post.

DozyBugger · 07/10/2024 07:25

Is this a special birthday? If so then I think you might have to suck it up.

Just a normal birthday I think it's acceptable to bow out. But if you normally see him on his birthday and it's purely because of the in laws family just think carefully how you do it. (I'd be the same FWIW, I struggle with my boyfriend's family get togethers).

LilyBartsHatShop · 07/10/2024 07:18

I agree, @Savingthehedgehogs, I think yours is a very insightful post.

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 07:14

I also think your feelings are more about the lack of effort your son is making rather than dil’s family. If you reflect on what you have said - yes they are not your cup of tea - but the real point you are making is that you never spend any time with your son alone. You seem hurt by this, and I wonder if this is the real reason why you don’t want to go.

You call him a man baby which isn’t nice op, and gives me the impression you are really quite angry and resentful under the surface. It’s okay to have those feelings, but your resentment needs to be acknowledged. You are redirecting this unfairly towards your dil and her family.

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 07:07

I see this differently op.

i am sorry to say you would probably never see your son at all if it wasn’t for your dil. She is the only one organising anything!

If left to my dh he would never see his mother, ever, he just isn’t bothered don’t ask me why but some people are just like that.

i would consider going, because keeping and maintaining a good relationship with dil is the key to contact with your son. You can sit next to him and enjoy the evening with him, which might be easier if dil is otherwise engaged with her family.

It’s not your dil’s fault your son is hopeless and disorganised. I would be glad to have her, she clearly makes a real effort to see you and spend time with you. It sounds like a lovely celebration for your son, and it will look odd if you are the only one not there, and everyone else is.

It is a few hours. Yes I would go.

WaitForTheDungar · 07/10/2024 06:56

Coming at it from the other side, this is your son's birthday, you make this trip once a month so what would be your reason not to go? This is your DIL's family, everything is arranged through her and you are rejecting her family. That has got to hurt her.

Look my family (laid back, act as family not a guest when they visit) is very, very different to Dh's family (uptight, expect to be waited on as guests) but my family were willing to spend time with them because they loved Dh and saw him more of a hostage where his family was concerned.

It is one meal, once a year, and a few hours of your time for your son and your DIL. I would make the effort.

Bestyearever2024 · 07/10/2024 06:51

I wouldn't want to go either

Would your son or DIL be upset if you don't go? Or would they understand? What excuse would you give?

Original poster
TodayandThursday · 07/10/2024 06:47

Aww thanks for all the replies! I genuinely thought it would be a pile on!

It's so annoying you can't have a survey on the App, as it looks by these replies it kind of 75% I'm ok not to go and 25% it's unacceptable!

Anyway to answer some questions, it's only a 3 hour round trip, which I do about once a month to see them.

If I was to say I couldn't afford it, they'd offer to pay! Which I would never do.

As for family harmony. Nah, don't care about that, my DIL's family are nothing to do with me. We don't have a shared grandchild so don't need to be a "family" with them. As I said they're nice enough people, just not people I want to spend time with at all!

Obvs if it was a significant birthday I'd go, but this isn't.

Funnily enough as I was writing this thread and reading through the messages I realised I probably spend more time alone with DIL than I do my son.

Because everything has to be arranged through her, if I arrange to meet them it will have to be a time she's available. So I never have an opportunity to see son alone!

Hey I'm not blaming her, my son despite being brought up by a strong single mother, is a bit of a pathetic man baby now. She organises his life.

So thanks for all the suggestions and opinions.

OP posts:
Moonshiners · 07/10/2024 06:47

I don't think it's necessary to be friends with your dil's parents. My parents have met my MIL twice (once at our wedding and once at a party) in 24 years. They are all perfectly lovely but very different and live far away. We get on well with everyone else!