Am I the worst MIL?

I’ve never had in-laws socialise like that even with children / their grandchildren in the mix. Not everyone wants to play big happy mixed families. It doesn’t mean you’re an arsehole. It sounds like you have quite a full life already.

Oh dear sounds like dil and her family are trying to welcome you in likely for your son.

You say her family are not yours and nothing to do with you. Imagine if dil took that attitude to you.

You son runs all plans by his wife he wants her there when he meet you, he wants you at his big family events. But you don’t want other peoples family there.

There may be no grandchildren now, but watch out for those burnt bridges in the future. When her family host Christmas and don’t invite you because you’ve turned down all there offers prior as they where not good enough for you, don’t act all hurt or sad that your grandchild spends all this time with her family not you.

Be that strong independent single mum… not sure of the relevance by this stage though adult married child.

So not lesson learned at all then? 🤣

I am so so glad that my parents and in laws are adult enough to spend the odd meal together. I guess our parents feel that we're worth spending time with, even if they do need to 'tolerate' my DH and I's extended family and socialise together! Ouchie!

Yanbu!

A birthday is the one time in a year it is about the person who’s birthday it is, it’s not about whether you would rather not do the journey or chat to people you wouldn’t normally like to. It’s about showing up for your son & showing him with actions that you love him. My MIL never makes much of a fuss for my husbands birthdays and i handle the quiet disappointment he feels, he would never tell her. I make extra effort to organise things so he feels celebrated.

I think you should go. It’s about your son.

That sounds very draining.

Since it's his birthday I think saying yes is the better option, but let him know separately afterwards just how draining you found it all and that next time you'd prefer a separate meal just you and him or you and him and her.

That way you don't run the risk of DIL thinning it worked out so well that she'll invite you for more joint family events, if that's not what you want.

No, you are fine.

I don't think you have to go but you can't expect them to do a seperate meal just for you. Is there any chance they might be hoping to accounce something with everyone there?

Agree there is more going on as it's not that uncommon for DWs to take the lead in organising a couples social life and OP seems very prickly about it.

I suspect the truth is that DH prefers the company of his outgoing sociable clan of ILs, plus as it's his DWs family he doesn't have to organise anything so win-win.

I think because it’s your sons birthday, you should go.
If it was DILs birthday I think you would be fine to swerve it in the circumstances, but I wouldn’t want to miss my sons birthday just because there were others there that I didn’t particularly like and it was a bit far away. If you swerve this birthday celebration with the excuse of distance/other guests you might find you aren’t invited again as they will assume the same reasons stand in future.

No, 3 hours is pretty far for a meal. You sound thoughtful and not at all a nightmare MIL!

I doubt this is the whole story. OP says her DIL organises everything (note the emphasis in bold). She'd prefer to see her son alone. Son has become a "pathetic man baby".

For a not significant birthday, I’d say you’re fine not to wish to travel that far.

How will DS feel about you not going though is the main question? Seeing them for a meal with just the 3 of you also presumably puts the burden on them to travel at least halfway.

To be honest what adult man celebrates his birthday with his in-laws...not just parents but aunts uncles and all.. this in itself is a little strange.

I always think for those kinds of distances it's a bit of a waste to travel all that way to be part of a big party where you have to make small talk with people you barely know and don't spend much time with the ones you do know. Better to go another time and see the people you actually want to see. Assuming they want to see you too obviously!

I don't think anyone will mind if you decline, they probably only invited you to be polite.

Weird that other posters are projecting all this bad stuff about your relationship with your son and in laws!

In my opinion, you are definitely not being unreasonable!!

I mean…if you would have said “i cant afford to travel”….i guess i would understand it but you first said her family will be there and its not your “cup of tea”… not right.

If your son is likely to be hurt and I could afford it I would go. If he won't mind and you can politely avoid it then absolutely do that and catch up another time.

I’d put on the social mask for this one. I can’t see a way out without looking like you’re snubbing her family.

Unless you’re comfortable saying “I can’t deal with that many people at once right now”. I could say this to my immediate family but I think the majority of people would be baffled because they love people, the more the merrier.

Unless the cost would mean you literally couldn't afford a bill or your supermarket shopping, I think it would be unreasonable not to go. No one likes sitting with people they wouldn't ordinarily choose to and making inane small talk. But I think for a single evening, to celebrate your son's birthday, it's not too much to ask.

If you're close enough to your DIL, why not call her and say, thank you for inviting me to the celebration, but I'd really love to treat DS to a dinner just the two of us, as we don't get to spend much time together. Then ask her what date he's free and book it in!

It seems like you're projecting some frustration onto your DIL and her family.

My MIL was the same. I did all of the life admin and arranging. She instigated that it was me being too forceful and 'preventing' them spending time together alone. I stopped facilitating meet ups and arranging stuff and guess what.....now they don't really see each other. MIL can be quite difficult and picky and DH finds it exhausting/better in small doses or group settings.

Also my parents never insist on seeing me alone and excluding DH. They enjoy spending time together.

Your DIL sounds lovely. Don't start to exclude yourself. I've seen how it ends.

I think if you can manage to afford it, you should go. It doesn't look good to not go to your son's birthday meal. But you are not unreasonable to not want to go. If you do decide against it, be careful with the excuse you make.
I take it there's no chance of dil seeing this post?

I do think that your son needs to also make an effort to visit you, if you are the one going all the travelling. I think you couldn't expect him to not bring his wife if they are a couple who have limited time off and want to spend it together. I think talking on the phone and texting is an okay level of contact tbh. I know that parents and adult kids should see each other without a partner in tow all the time but sometimes it just doesn't pan out that way - don't inadvertently alienate the woman who tries to keep you involved. Unless you think she's actually controlling him rather than facilitating?

You have such a lovely relationship, similar to mine and my DiLs and SiLs. I would not hesitate to be truthful and ask her do you mind if I don’t come.

I think you're fine to decline. Regardless of anything else, the travel alone just for a meal would be a no from me. Whenever we do stuff (with my side of the family) my in laws are always invited. That's just who my parents are. But there is never any expectation on them to accept every time.