Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

I admit I was rolling my eyes at the first half of the post but changed my mind for the second half.

YANBU, OP. She said she'd pay but then made herself unavailable at the time payment was needed. Your DP decided to get help from one of his other relatives instead, after MIL left you in the lurch, and for some reason she's sending nasty messages to you?

If she's never going to help her granddaughter again, why would you want her in your child's life?

I do not think you are being unreasonable, either. When it comes to childcare, you can't mess about. You relied on a promise that was then reneged. Be mindful that on MN, people get really triggered when someone gets, or has been offered, child care support. It seems not accepting or expecting any help whatsoever is a hill that many Mum MNs are willing to die on. Don't let them get to you. You will have noticed that most of the responses have been about having a go at you (even suggesting you got pregnant too soon!!) rather than actually answering the question you asked. I babysat my nephew one day a week when he was little for over a year and it helped his parents enormously while giving me some amazing one to one time with him. But this was something that I had promised and had to stick to. Your MIL promised to help and then changed the goal posts then told you not to contact her. Meanwhile, you had to find a solution and you did.

You mil has done nothing wrong. You sound very immature and frankly unreasonable x

Not sure why are getting a hard time - YANBU @insomniac1994

Your MIL offered to look after your child
Then months later reneged on that so you are scrambling round for a nursery place
She offered to pay some/all of the fees
When the invoices are due she is away and asks you (repeatedly) not to contact her
Now you are stuck, as plan A and now B are not viable
So you ask hour Dad or FIL (sorry not sure which) and now your MIL is mad?

Fuck that.

If she doesn’t want to look after your child or pay nursery fees then that is totally fine but it’s not ok to promise you these, let you make plans based on these promises, leave you high and dry and then, to top it off, have the gall to be pissed off with you.

How long are you planning to go no contact for OP? It sounds awfully difficult for all concerned. Kindly - be careful you’re not cutting off your nose to spite your face, as they say. I did that once, many years ago (close friend, not MIL, but a child was involved): felt like the right thing at the time. I regret it now, have done for years, but it’s too late now to change anything.

Well yes, you are in the wrong OP. I think you are justified in feeling pissed off with your MIL's totally unreasonable behaviour but you really don't need to 'Cut her off'.
Just keep a healthy distance. That's all you need to do.

It would often be nice to hear the other side on these threads. It sounds as though you may have been pressurising and assuming too much from your mother in law and she's stepped back a bit.

the op didn't 'think' she'd help, the MIL TOLD HER she'd look after the baby, then changed her mind, then offered to LEND them the money, but didn't want to talk about it AND was rude & nasty to the OP & put them under pressure to find the money for the nursery bill, then spat the dummy when she found out FIL lent them the money. Frankly it's none of her fucking business who lent them the money.

You should have got a credit card or taken out a loan if you couldn’t afford nursery. You got pregnant before she said she’d do childcare for you for free. You’re both adults, this stuff is your responsibility and yours alone. You seem to suggest it’s anyone else’s job to pay your bills, you don’t care who buy someone’s got to. No. Grow up.

As for “safe space”, don’t be daft. This a is popular international forum with millions of users. You post here for advice you accept the advice. Having produced a child doesn’t make you immune to criticism when you behave badly.

I’m afraid your response to the replies you’ve had is very childish. No wonder MIL wants to create some distance.

Just try and sort it out. This flouncing off because someone isn’t doing what you want and when you want is just so childish. You are going to be with your partner for a long time, hopefully, and your child is still her grandchild. Why would you damage future relationships for your partner and child over this. Walking away when there is a hurdle is really immature.

I think yabu over the bill. And if your knee jerk reaction is to go NC with MIL- I think that's up to you- but rather extreme.

It's probably best that MIL isn't looking after your child- given the current relationship

Of course YABU, and over dramatic.
I agree with the pp who said you are coming across as very immature.

It is yours and your fiancé's baby, and it is for you two to sort out how you are planning to afford life. It isn't anyone else's responsibility to cover for the fact you became pregnant very early on in your relationship.

The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets.

Where you perceive 'criticism', many would read that as 'concern for her grandchild' in case you hadn't spotted it.

Cutting all contact is so dramatic, and is just going to leave your little one with one less loving Grandparent.

You asked AIBU and are annoyed that people are saying yes? Why ask?

If you want people to agree with you unconditionally then you are in the wrong place.
You have no right to expect somone else to pay for your childcare and then chuck a tantrum when they don't cough up quickly enough.

Against the trend I think this has been really difficult and I would have taken similar action tbh. I'm not sure about cutting off contact but I would approach MIL with zero expectations, then everything positive is a plus. People often make rash promises they then break. Hang on in there, OP but probably in the future, you need a better plan than grandparent help. Are your parents able to help at all?

Leave it to your fiance to sort this. The communication should have been between him and his mum in the first place.

Let your partner take the lead in communicating with his Mum. Take a step back to avoid making a knee jerk decision.

Is the biggest issue that you didn't know her well enough to realise you can't take her offers at face value?

My partner has a family member that loves making offers because it makes them feel generous but never follows through so we just ignore their nonsense because it's not sincere. I would suggest taking a similar approach with your MIL. Your partner is probably well aware of what she's like.

But you can't have known that your MIL would offer childcare. So basically you and your partner conceived a child with zero plan for how you cope financially.

Have you asked anyone in your own family for financial help? I think you should consider other means of paying these bills and not rely on your partner's family. I get that you first thought she'd help and now she's backing out but please try not to take this to heart. You don't know what her financial position is. All the best.

You're getting a really rough ride here, OP.

I actually agree with you- she shouldn't have been making promises to you that she then doesn't keep. It's really not on to offer childcare and then withdraw it and then offer to lend money for nursery fees but refuse to talk about it when the money is due.

I know people are saying 'your baby, your responsibility', and that is true. But plenty of people get help from the grandparents. And the key here is - she offered to help - twice - and then went back on it.

I disagree with every single poster saying the OP is being unreasonable. You all act like you had everything planned down to a T when you all had your babies!! Jesus Christ, the MIL shouldn't have offered to help and then retracted it without even communicating . She went off on holiday and told OP not to contact her? Who does that?
As for the social media thing - again why are we all pretending it wouldn't bother us in the slightest? There was a very similar post on here a few days ago, but no mention of money and everyone was supportive to the OP. As soon as money is involved everyone changes their tune.

OP- ignore the judgemental twats who have apparently planned everything from the moment of conception to the child's graduation. We all know every single person on this post is winging it, made some error of judgement or a miscalculation. I can also bet 80% of people on MN do not like their MIL.

I literally can't with the comments on here, disgusting.

To be fair I can see why you’re upset. You’re not expecting her to pay the fees- you’ve asked to borrow the money as she has it and you’ll pay her back. I’m guessing you’ve e got an invoice to pay and she agreed to pay it- and now you’ve messaged to ask and she’s refusing to engage so you’ve had to go elsewhere?

Yeah I would be cross, she’s left you exposed. If she hasn’t agreed you could have found another way to pay or found alternative childcare/ delay going back to work until the few hours kick in.