Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

Excellent advice.

Please explain what OP did wrong?

Genuinely how you cannot understand how wrong you are?

even more so, when everyone has commented that you are being unreasonable (the question YOU asked) you are fighting back, being dismissive and claiming unfairness.

Utterly crazy.

No wonder MIL has pulled away.

You sound like a horrible person. WTF has she done to warrant the MIL getting so upset and sending those messages?

Let me summarize it for you since you're unable to to comprehend and apply common sense.

She is expecting funded hours which will lower their nursery costs and make it more affordable for them but it will not come until January so they need help until then. MIL offers to help with the baby then changes her mind, fine.

MIL then offers to borrow them money to pay for nursery until January when the funded hours kicks in which is great, agreement was let me know when it's time to pay.

Time to pay OP reaches out to MIL and she responds with "I'm on vacation don't reach out to me for the next few weeks" stupid response because I have no idea what vacation you're on for weeks that you can't be reached but ok.

OP has to scramble to find another option and they reach out to her partners father who borrowed them the money to pay for the nursery. All good right? Noooo

MIL finds out someone else has paid and throws a stupid tantrum. This is from the same person who claimed she has no network for weeks so don't contact me but somehow she was able to find out someon else had paid and had network to send all her horrible messages 😆. It looks like MIL is upset it's her ex husband who helped, I don't know the history there right that is MILs problem not OP.

And you're trying to justify it. What was OP to do, pull her daughter from nursery because dear MIL was on her no contact vacation???? The nursery bill was due so please tell us what she should have done aside from finding someone else to help?

I'm definitely grateful not to have horrible MIL like you. What a despicable horrible thing to say.

If she has changed her mind then why is she upset they turned to someone else to help? She is upset that she found out someone else is borrowing them the money, doesn't add up.

Ok so why promise to help if she isn't a bank? For OP force her to commit to helping? If she can't afford it anymore then so say so instead of claiming you can't be reached for weeks on vacation then getting upset when they turn to someone else to help them.

And this shows MILs word cannot be trusted, so OP should lower expectations and expect nothing from her or ask for any help.

I do agree with the poster who said people throw cutting off x and y around so easily now. I wouldn't cut her off but as I said lower expectations and he civil with her, you don't have to be beet friends. If you don't expect anything from her she can't upset you by disappointing you.

You're being very unfair. She is not cutting her off for not giving her money she is cutting her off for the way she reacted and responded to OP while using it as an excuse to back off helping as promised.

The payment for the nursery was due and her response for OP not to contact her for weeks is bullshit. Somehow she doesn't have network to respond for the payment but she has network to find out someone else is paying and then send angry messages right? What vacation is she on that she can't be contacted for weeks?? Climbing up to Everest????

The invoice was due and she said they should contact her when it was due then she responds with don't contact me for a few weeks, what did she expect them to do? Pull the child out of nursery until she returns from vacation or beg the nursery to wait for the payment until grabby returns from vacation in a few weeks?

Add to that the history of promising the backing off.

OP should let her son deal with her going forward, frankly her son should have been the one sending her the invoice etc not OP.

This is the best advice of the thread.

And yes, based on your other thread -.and how she walked out on her own child, and you and your DP were hoping she'd be a better grandmother than mother - I would give up on that fantasy. If she wants to have some involvement from time to time, fine, but neither you, nor your DP or DC should rely on her. You'd be doing your child a disservice to encourage a close relationship with someone who's going to let her down.

It sounds as if you weren't in contact with her and then you only contacted her when you wanted money?

There was a period of time where she was supportive, why do you think that stopped?

Forget the social media stuff, it’s not really important. If you are about to go back to work, I understand you’d be getting very anxious about the child care situation, and why you’d be looking for other solutions. I’m presuming that your partner’s parents are no longer together and this may account for her reaction. Honestly, I’d suggest letting your partner interact with his mother. You can be low contact. I think cutting off is extreme, particularly as your child will still see her. She has shown by her actions that she’s not reliable in following through with promises. So, accept what she’s ‘telling’ you. Focus on your small family. Offer of money - “thanks Vera, we’re fine”. Offer babysitting - “thanks Vera, we’re not planning any outings imminently’. Try to be non-emotional and to be independent.

How nasty!

She's given you money though. She's helped you out according to your previous post where you also said your family only live an hour further away than MIL does.

You fell out with her, she couldn't commit to childcare after baby was born because she is still working and if you only contacted her for money no wonder she wasn't nice about it.

I post a lot updates about her on social media for family

Really? You are exposing your child on Social Media??

Give her a chance to grow up normally!

Thanks for this, it was interesting to read the other thread.

But yeah, if it's true that MIL walked out on her child when he was young, and has continued to be a massive flake (per OP's DP saying she always offers to help but then never follows through) it's madness to rely on her, OP. An absent and unreliable mother isn't likely to change her stripes, and it seems she has not.

Maybe but I wouldn’t just cut out my future mother in law because of this situation. People aren’t perfect and while it didn’t go the way you wanted you may end up being very lonely and isolated if everyone doesn’t do exactly as you want. Plus the big point here is being a mom means putting your kids first and helping and supporting them to build a relationship with their grandmother not just because you don’t like her. Also, grandparents aren’t always social media addicts so not liking posts is a very childish thing to complain about and frankly not the measure of a healthy relationship. Basically it sounds like you are angry she won’t give you the money and now are piling on reasons to cut her off. You are being unreasonable but not for the reasons you think you are.

@WhimsicalMoth
Why use MN if you have such a poor opinion of it? It is a parenting website for parents ( and non parents) everywhere. On the whole it does a great job. The OP chose to ask if she was being unreasonable, and enough posters think she is being unfair to perhaps make her stop and think twice about her proposed actions.
The moderators generally are quick to pick up personal attacks and discrimination aimed at specific groups. It should be applauded for not encouraging sexism, ageism, racism and discrimination against other groups with protected characteristics.

I just don't believe that someone can honestly think that a person making two offers, reneging on both, and sending abusive messages has done "nothing wrong".

OP, you've left out the part where you fell out with MIL towards the end of your pregnancy and they haven't been the same with you since, all the offers of help seems to have come when you were on good terms with them, and have since not materialised after you fell out with her, even though you say you made up shortly after.

To be honest OP, you don't have to like her or even get on with her much, but then you can't rely on them to help you out with childcare or childcare costs either, your previous post say that she was an absent mother for your fiance when he was growing up, so it tracks that she's not going to be a present grandmother either, her priorities obviously lie elsewhere.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture and adjust your expectations.. especially as you don't even seem to like her, if you cut her off because of petty squabbles and them backing out of a deal after you've told her what you thought of her, then you're really being unfair to your fiance, leave any money talk up to him, and try and stay neutral for everyone's sakes.

Wow.

So you @CraftyPlumViewer even know what other posters are thinking now ?

What a skill you have.

There are other parts of this site that are helpful, but AIBU is not a place to come for support - there's a large cohort who just seem to come on here to be nasty.

What an unpleasant thing to say wrapped up in your smug little stealth boast.

I feel for you OP. As somebody with MIL issues also, it is hard. We went no contact and are so much better off for it.
Only you can make that decision.
On Mumsnet, you can give the most incriminating testimonies against whoever you're posting about, and give the most amount of detail as to why you're doing/ not doing something.. and the Mumsnet squad will still always find a way to make you out to be the bad guy somehow.

As Michelle Obama famously said, 'when others go low, we go high'.
Be charitable and kind and expect nothing. Then you can't be disappointed. Your relationship will greatly improve

I've never asked her for money nor ever borrowed from her

But you say she's always offered to give you money.. so why has she offered to give you money if no one has asked for it?