Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

Just because people don't agree with you doesn't mean they're wrong. I've seen lots of nasty and judgemental things on mumsnet but the replies are largely neither.

This post 👆 illustrates everything people need to know if this is how you react when things don't go your way. Look at yourself and your reactions and conduct before judging others.

She shouldn't have offered if she was going to fuck about I might not go no contact over this but I would certainly dial down contact and definitely not rely on her again

Fwiw I had the same with ex mother promised to help me buy a pram I said let me know a budget because I have a specific one in mind (I have back issues so there was a type I didn't want because it aggravated my back) they bought me one they liked (the wrong one) so I bought my own which made her cry then she wanted to buy him his first cot made a huge fuss over it then when the time came she pulled out the newspaper and showed us some second hand ones WE could buy and we could ask her other son for help getting it home so again I bought my own when it came to babysitting it was the same drama so we stopped that too

we just ignored the grand gestures on the end they were meaningless

Don’t apologise on behalf of other people. She asked for opinions and got them. That’s not judgement. Don’t ask a question if your not prepared to hear something you don’t like.

How is OP using her child as a weapon? She's said that if she goes no contact she wouldn't stop contact with her child.

If anything, MIL is using the child as a weapon by saying that she will not ever help with the child again, because she has thrown a tantrum over OP getting help from another family member after MIL offered to help and then later refused (twice).

I don’t think you are being unreasonable not to see her. She is not being kind, she is being passive aggressive. It sounds like there is more at play here, and I suspect she is jealous of you and the new baby. She might not know how to manage these feelings and they are coming across unpleasant. Avoid her now except for pleasantries and let the dust settle.

She shouldn’t have offered to help with childcare then fees if she wasn’t ready to do it. I’d just accept that this isnt the type of support you can rely on her for, with lower/different expectations it will be easier to have a positive relationship with her. No contact is extreme, she’s someone you’re going to have in your life in one way or another for a long time.

I would like to hear MIL side of this

You sound very young and immature and using your child as a weapon because you can't get your own way, a bit sad and pathetic really.
Maybe you and your partner should grow up an little and start taking responsibility for your child.

With hindsight, perhaps her son should have been dealing with his mother over this? She has been very flaky tbh and I can see why you're upset over it. I'd get my partner to accept FIL's offer to pay (just stay out of it!) and then leave the dust to settle, let him rebuild a relationship with his mum and see where you fit in. Going NC is a bit immature and it's a hard position to come back from. Good luck.

Op, cutting her off is just too extreme. Childcare and nursery fees are something you should have planned for, I would be exasperated too. You sound very young, and maybe out of your depth a little.

The only group usually to use the term 'mummies' is the misogynistic posters who use it to describe grown men who continue to have a relationship with their parents.
What is disappointing on this thread is the number of posters who are both ageist and sexist. The poster who complains about grandmothers and MILS posting. Do take it up with MN. They make it clear that MN is for all parents. There is no age limit .
New mothers are statistically much older. There are more babies born to the over forties than to women in their early twenties. I was watching the new David Mitchell drama,Ludwig. He and his wife ( Victoria Coren) have just had their first and second babies over the last two years at 50;and 52. Parents are older perhaps because it takes them longer to be financially secure enough to have children.
It is a shame that some posters use personal attacks on other posters and on specific groups instead of offering genuine advice.

It all seems a bit dramatic.
I'm not sure id be happy if the oy time you contacted me was to ask for money. Also posting all over social media rather than sending her pictures may be a bit tacky.

Relationships need to be cultivated not just expected.

Also if you can't afford nursery fees you can't afford to get married so maybe he's just your boyfriend.

Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help. Not all of us are privileged in that way

I wouldn't have had my kids if i couldn't afford to do so. It's really that simple. Never, ever rely financially on anyone other than the child's parents to pay for them. Just my view.

I actually shuddered when I read the word ‘mummies’ 🤣. Especially from someone old enough to be a grandmother. Yuk.

Yep .

YANBU

Oh dear, the entitled grandma and MIL contingent have piled on already.
@insomniac1994 Of course YANBU. She can’t make promises to you which you rely on and plan around and then refuse to arrange with you at the 11th hour. She certainly has no right to get pissy with you for making alternative arrangements. She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her either.

Heh, you asked for opinions.
Now we are giving them, we're not supporting you??
What do you what, honest opinions or just us saying, yay go you!

Yeah I think you're in the wrong. I thi k this whole ' cutting contact' is a trend that's just immature.
She isn't abusive, she's on holiday and your just being shirty because she's not giving you money.

It's really sad how kids grow up without extended family because their parents are too immature to have conversations.

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all or immature (don't know why other posters have said that ... Bizarre)

I'd be the exact same. She sounds like a nightmare. Why would you want someone in your life giving you empty promises, exhausting!

Hmm. I'd like to hear MIL's version tbh. You do sound a bit immature and entitled.

Which part of mil is on holiday don't you understand? Yet you continue to send begging messages.
And then switch to someone else.
Your problem sorting your childcare is only yours.

I’d guess you were panicking (as we all would be) about the bills and so wanted her to sort it as she said she would but from her point of view you going to his dad probably seemed insulting but saying that I think if she said she was going to help she should have either helped or said ‘look actually I promised too much’. Nc seems very over the top to ge honest thought, people argue, people are passive aggressive at times, or don’t step up when they should etc etc, cutting her out for those reasons seems like too much

Honestly op you would've been better putting this into Relationships instead of AIBU. People often just pile in with aggressive attacks just for the sake of it on AIBU.

Try not to let the nasty comments get to you, they are designed to hurt you, nothing else.

I think your MIL has behaved terribly. Going forward I wouldn't necessarily cut contact just yet though. I'd let your partner deal with her and see how that works out. Be pleasant if you see her but I wouldn't trust any further offers of help she can't be trusted can she.

You're doing ok op and sound like a lovely mum.

I completely disagree with the majority of posters on this thread.
Your MIL should never have offered childcare then taken ir back.
She then should never have offered financial help and effectively rescinded the offer (the no talking on holiday is rubbish).

She sounds manipulative and horrible.

But your partner should have been the one to contact her, rather than you To ask. It might have avoided her attitude.

Of course ideally you'd be financially independent but so many mumsnetters criticising you had family help for uni fees, house deposits and goodness knows what else. They also would have been in a pickle if half way through their course their dad stopped paying.

I would imagine that most people on this forum are older than 10 - why on earth are you referring to them as 'mummies'?