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Original poster

Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

260 replies

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 19:40

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

OP posts:
Circumferences · 06/10/2024 20:14

That poor woman. Of course YABU.

Namenamchange · 06/10/2024 20:14

You sound quite easy to fall out with.

But what do you gain for going no contact?
a few minutes of revenge and then what?

Happygogoat · 06/10/2024 20:12

YABU for having a baby and not working out how to pay for these things yourselves.

if you’ve been together 2 years and have a 9 month old it sounds like you were together perhaps 6 months before falling pregnant. No judgement on that but all of this really should have been clear way way in advance and before the baby war born to be honest. That’s what many people have to do!

it seems immature to expect her to engage with Fb posts. If she isn’t contacting you in general I can see why you’re annoyed but does she not contact her son? Why does it have to be you? I think all of this should be dealt with by him anyway.

Liverpool52 · 06/10/2024 20:12

insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:03

She had told me early on in pregnancy she'd look after my baby when I went back to work. That was the plan. Then she told me months after baby was born she could no longer do it so we were limited to time to find her a nursery. And again my partner and I were trying to contact her but she wouldn't communicate back and told me not to talk to her. What was I supposed to do? We contacted her multiple times and she was passive aggressive not to bother her. Unfortunately we had to sort out with another plan. I can't organise with someone who refuses to communicate.

Edited
Show quote history

So you were already pregnant when she said she'd do that? What was your plan before she offered and why can't you revert to that now?

letmego24 · 06/10/2024 20:11

Yes you are in the wrong.

letmego24 · 06/10/2024 20:10

I mean it's all crazy. No contact?? So extreme. Why on earth should she pay nursery fees, or if she does , it's on her terms I'm afraid. What a shitshow as Gordon Ramsay would say

SleepToad · 06/10/2024 20:09

So basically you are cutting her off because she isn't giving you money. Your posting on social media not being responded to is an excuse. It's about the cash..you have a child which you can't afford at this stage in your life and she offered to bail you out....and because she's not paying up when you want...

Starzinsky · 06/10/2024 20:07

Seems to be miscommunication. Hard to see what your MIL has done wrong in the grand scheme of things. Probably not unreasonable to expect to be contacted about bills after a holiday but unfortunately wasn't co-ordinatated in advance of the holiday. Not sure why she needs to interact with your social media and tell you how proud she is of a 2 year old. Seems a very unreasonable reason to want to cut someone off.

Original poster
insomniac1994 · 06/10/2024 20:03

RoaryLion1 · 06/10/2024 19:59

I think you and your partner sound very immature to be honest. Firstly, you should have considered how to pay for childcare well in advance, not be scrabbling around asking for help to pay the fees when your mat leave is over - didn’t you think about the costs before you had a baby and start saving? And it was immature of your partner to ask his Dad to pay without asking MIL if she still wanted to contribute. It sounds like she’d confirmed to you that she was happy to pay but couldn’t discuss payment while she was on holiday, so why didn’t your partner ask her again before going to his Dad? I’m not surprised MIL has reacted badly to all this TBH.

She had told me early on in pregnancy she'd look after my baby when I went back to work. That was the plan. Then she told me months after baby was born she could no longer do it so we were limited to time to find her a nursery. And again my partner and I were trying to contact her but she wouldn't communicate back and told me not to talk to her. What was I supposed to do? We contacted her multiple times and she was passive aggressive not to bother her. Unfortunately we had to sort out with another plan. I can't organise with someone who refuses to communicate.

OP posts:
RoaryLion1 · 06/10/2024 19:59

I think you and your partner sound very immature to be honest. Firstly, you should have considered how to pay for childcare well in advance, not be scrabbling around asking for help to pay the fees when your mat leave is over - didn’t you think about the costs before you had a baby and start saving? And it was immature of your partner to ask his Dad to pay without asking MIL if she still wanted to contribute. It sounds like she’d confirmed to you that she was happy to pay but couldn’t discuss payment while she was on holiday, so why didn’t your partner ask her again before going to his Dad? I’m not surprised MIL has reacted badly to all this TBH.