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Original poster

To have a word with other bridesmaid?

40 replies

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 06/10/2024 19:24

I am a bridesmaid for a lovely friend. Another has form for always making weddings about her in some way and stressing the bride out about her appearance before the wedding. This week we decided on dresses and the bride was excited - friend ( other bridesmaid ) has messaged the bride letting her know ( guilt tripping her ) that she will need to diet to feel good in the dress and would have picked something else. The bride loved these dresses, so did all of us and they are a really good option no matter what figure you're sporting. I know the bride would have been gracious about it but I can see this going how it did with our last friends wedding - friend didn't lose any weight despite having ten months to do so ( nobody said she needed to but she bought it up every day including directly to the bride the day before her wedding when clearly nothing was going to change ) and she will inevitably keep going on until the bride gets fed up and tells her straight. When this happened before she told everyone how unreasonable the bride was and as she was so upset about her weight everyone sympathised with her. What I don't want is for this time, our friend ( the bride ) to have the joy of her day taken away from her because our friend can't just shut up for once. Do I need to say to her to rein it in as one of the other bridesmaids or shall I leave it? Fwiw the bride is really lovely and it'll upset her with this friend keep going on. She's usually okay, if not a little immature but weddings seem to make her go crazy. As far as I'm concerned if you're a bridesmaid you should wear a sack if asked to do so and be happy about it or just withdraw.

Yabu - don't say anything, the bride chose her to be a bridesmaid and will have to deal with it if she gets too much.
Yanbu - say something, the bride shouldn't have to as it's her wedding and bridesmaid friend is not being very nice

OP posts:
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Thfrog · 07/10/2024 16:36

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 10:44

Tbh I don't mind if it was a bit passive aggressive, am at the point of not really caring with her and I'm never usually like that.

Show quote history

Fair enough!

MrsClatterbuck · 07/10/2024 16:23

Laiste · 07/10/2024 12:14

... and the current bride saw all this going on last time and still asked her to be a bridesmaid !?

Well i wont say more fool her, because perhaps there was pressure to have the same bunch of women again - school friends ect

BUT - this bride will know full well what's going to happen. She can deal with her. Being engaged to be married doesn't make you a precious flower who can't say the words:

''For fuck sake Sandra stop banging on about this dress and your weight for my wedding like you did with Brenda's wedding! It was so damn stressful and i don't want to go through that. Have 2 dresses a big and a small and just put on what fits on the day!''

or words to that effect ....

This in spades

Tagyoureit · 07/10/2024 16:00

Bridesmaid sounds like a knob but the bride knew all of this before choosing her as a bridesmaid so she can't really expect her to miraculously change her personality for this wedding.

Get her the size 16 dress and be done with it.

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 14:09

SpiggingBelgium · 07/10/2024 13:31

Honestly, if I’d been sent that by a fellow bridesmaid, I’d be bloody furious. I know you said the bride wanted you to have a word, but really I think this is something she should have dealt with directly. It isn’t your business and I’d be telling you as much.

I do get that, I think she's just pissed me off so much I don't really care if she's furious as it seems that's what she's intending everyone else to be and it's not about her or her wedding. She's also banking on the bride saying nothing because she knows she isn't the type.

OP posts:
SpiggingBelgium · 07/10/2024 13:31

Honestly, if I’d been sent that by a fellow bridesmaid, I’d be bloody furious. I know you said the bride wanted you to have a word, but really I think this is something she should have dealt with directly. It isn’t your business and I’d be telling you as much.

Laiste · 07/10/2024 12:14

... and the current bride saw all this going on last time and still asked her to be a bridesmaid !?

Well i wont say more fool her, because perhaps there was pressure to have the same bunch of women again - school friends ect

BUT - this bride will know full well what's going to happen. She can deal with her. Being engaged to be married doesn't make you a precious flower who can't say the words:

''For fuck sake Sandra stop banging on about this dress and your weight for my wedding like you did with Brenda's wedding! It was so damn stressful and i don't want to go through that. Have 2 dresses a big and a small and just put on what fits on the day!''

or words to that effect ....

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 12:00

sesquipedalian · 07/10/2024 10:59

Just as a matter of interest, what happened at the previous wedding when it got to the day before and she couldn’t get into the bridesmaid’s dress? It would be my personal nightmare (to the point that, as an older, rounder lady, I have twice been to weddings and taken with me two of the same dress in different sizes!)

Edited

I do get that honestly and I'd usually empathise, very few people like how they look but it was a nightmare. On the previous wedding she kept messaging the bride leading up to it and had made this big drama by getting a smaller dress than she could fit into and making no effort to get into it for ages until it was too late. She decided a week before the wedding was a good time to talk to the bride about it. I sort of get it because she did need an alternative to wear, but it was past that and the bride did her best to bite her tongue. It wasn't about her weight, it was about her making a problem that she needn't have made. The bride told her to find a different outfit in a similar shade of blue and gave her the role of a witness so it looked like she should stand out. Bride also paid for said new outfit and had all the stress of finding something else. Even then, she wouldn't stop going on about it and was all offended by how the bride had responded to her. I do wonder what she will be like with her own wedding and if she would put up with similar.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 07/10/2024 10:59

Just as a matter of interest, what happened at the previous wedding when it got to the day before and she couldn’t get into the bridesmaid’s dress? It would be my personal nightmare (to the point that, as an older, rounder lady, I have twice been to weddings and taken with me two of the same dress in different sizes!)

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 07/10/2024 10:44

Thfrog · 07/10/2024 06:28

What a rant! I'd have sent something MUCH shorter than that!

Nobody will be looking at us anyway! not helpful at all if she's self conscious she's self conscious.

Hope you're well really?? After all that you write "hope you're well" 😂

Tbh I don't mind if it was a bit passive aggressive, am at the point of not really caring with her and I'm never usually like that.

OP posts:
Thfrog · 07/10/2024 06:28

What a rant! I'd have sent something MUCH shorter than that!

Nobody will be looking at us anyway! not helpful at all if she's self conscious she's self conscious.

Hope you're well really?? After all that you write "hope you're well" 😂

Pussycat22 · 06/10/2024 22:42

She needs a slap!!

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 06/10/2024 22:12

I text her and said 'hello how are you? I hope you don't mind me messaging but I'd noticed that you seem a bit concerned about the choice of bridesmaid dress for brides wedding. I know for previous friends wedding you didn't enjoy the dress and the pressure you felt you were under to pull it off. I get that bridesmaid dresses are tricky for us all to decide upon but bride has decided on the one she has picked now. I can tell from some of your messages its bothering you and wanted to say if you have any worries you're welcome to talk to me about them as I'm wearing it too but I think for bride sake nothing more should be said about it not being a first choice or the sort of thing you've worn before. Nobody will be looking at us anyway! Hope you're well". She's sent back a lengthy response that the bride never consulted her and has picked something so far from something she's ever worn before. She's finished up the message by saying she will wear it for the bride ( very big of her ) but haven't really confirmed she won't keep going on and on about it. I think if she says anything else I'll just have to take some of the advice on here and pull her up on it at the time. Bride is going to order her a bugger size and ignore all the promises of weight loss which is wise.

OP posts:
Lemonadeand · 06/10/2024 20:37

Maybe a solution could be to buy the bigger size with a plan to have it altered nearer the time if the bridesmaid loses the weight? That way there is less pressure and drama.

Attelina · 06/10/2024 20:29

I misread it. I thought you were saying the bride was fat and the bridesmaid was going on about it.

Attelina · 06/10/2024 20:28

How patronising. The bride can tell the woman herself is she doesn't like anything she says.

Kamkok · 06/10/2024 20:21

With the backstory she does sound difficult, you should never get a dress to slim into for an event like that, if anything you get it taken in later down the line.

That said, I once had a nightmare as a bridesmaid when I was the largest one. Other bridesmaids suggesting dresses that only went up to 12-14, it was really awkward. Having to try on dresses that couldn't be worn with a bra and my boobs threatening to pop out, others insisting I looked fine because they liked how it looked on them. The dress she got in the end was passable but I hate her wedding pictures!

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 06/10/2024 20:15

TootieeFruitiee · 06/10/2024 19:58

I’d probably put something random on the joint WhatsApp group for everyone ‘please can we ban boring conversations about weight loss, they can suck the excitement out of wedding prep’ Then do a snooze 😴 icon every time she rattles on about weight.

I love this hahah!!!! I might just do it. I'm at he end of my tether with it all so a snooze emoji will do the trick.

OP posts:
Thfrog · 06/10/2024 20:13

TootieeFruitiee · 06/10/2024 19:58

I’d probably put something random on the joint WhatsApp group for everyone ‘please can we ban boring conversations about weight loss, they can suck the excitement out of wedding prep’ Then do a snooze 😴 icon every time she rattles on about weight.

GREAT!

Thfrog · 06/10/2024 20:13

ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 06/10/2024 19:35

I think so but we are all school friends so it was inevitable she was going to be a bridesmaid and the bride is too soft to even think she has a choice.

Show quote history

Ok in that case yes bridesmaid needs one size bigger with the excuse that it can be altered nearer the date

Pieandchips999 · 06/10/2024 20:02

I'd just say you have to order up sizes in dresses for weddings anyway as they tend to come up small which is often true. So stick with her current size and as mentioned say you can always take it in if it comes up bigger. Then you can always say you find lots of conversations about food and dieting stressful which is true. You don't have to mention its only stressful when she does it 🤣 then say oh thingy I know you feeling the same you for so stressed last time as the dresses come up small that I'm sure you don't want this again. You need the bride to be on board to stick with ordering the size that actually fits

TootieeFruitiee · 06/10/2024 20:00

Also post something complimentary directly on the WhatsApp group about the brides great taste in dresses. You and the girls think they are perfect and will all look stunning.

TootieeFruitiee · 06/10/2024 19:58

I’d probably put something random on the joint WhatsApp group for everyone ‘please can we ban boring conversations about weight loss, they can suck the excitement out of wedding prep’ Then do a snooze 😴 icon every time she rattles on about weight.

Original poster
ChangingMyNameForTheWeek · 06/10/2024 19:54

I have messaged the bride and asked her if she wants me to have a word. I was unsure but feel like it's her wedding and actually I might be overstepping as the bridesmaid friend is the sort to go straight to her and assume she knows about it if I talk to her anyway. The bride actually wants me to as it seems friend has sent her another message tonight which is a link to a dress she would prefer🙄 I'll have a think of what to say and keep you all posted.

OP posts:
Tbskejue · 06/10/2024 19:53

Honestly I’ve spent a lifetime doing things like this and I’ve realised recently that I need to stop getting involved in other people’s problems (even when on the edge like this) as it often backfires on me. Now I only get involved if asked directly and people work it out without me.

KittenHelp24 · 06/10/2024 19:48

ThinWomansBrain · 06/10/2024 19:45

give her a choice of 16 or 18, take it in if needed

This, just by the one that fits now and say it can be taken in a week before the wedding.

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