Drunk friend so nasty

108 replies

Peppermilk24 · 06/10/2024 18:19

I met with a group of friends last night to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of them. One of the group got extremely drunk - this is quite usual for this person - however last night I was shocked at the sheer excess of it. 2 bottles of wine downed in under 1.5 hours and this person became so so nasty and belligerent. She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help (Im not qualified in any way) all of which was ignored. Last night the level of horrible behaviour was shocking. shouting, nasty tone of voice, calling people out on things that happened in their relationships years ago, crying and then butting in on conversations going around her. I tried to speak to her twice and she ignored me completely (or perhaps couldnt hear me).

It was so sad as her partner was their with their adult children and other relatives of hers and I could see her children visibly wincing at one stage. I normally dont be in her company whilst she drinks but it was a friends bday and she had been invited along. My DH mentioned it to me on the way home in the cab. He was disgusted with her DH for not stepping in and trying to at least minimise the behaviour if he couldnt get her to go home.

She has divulged private information about some of our friends and her own family and said some really horrible things including trying to force a friend to talk about her husband who died last year from cancer and telling her she was being so selfish and self absorbed when she wouldnt as he was "my friend too".

She has called me this morning and I havent picked up. I know from another friend who was there last night that she has been on the phone this morning breezily saying what a great night it was, sore heads all around and that we all over did it. Im so livid with her I cant chat to her at the minute but part of me feels sorry for her as she clearly has a drink problem. Why do some alcoholics become so nasty, is the drink or is it that the are like this underneath and it just comes out with drink. DH is fuming also - he has known her as long as I have - and honestly he just says she is a liability at this stage. I feel guilty and angry and upset for her in each measures.

I dont know if I can be friends with her though as she isnt prepared to listen. She wont meet up with me 1-1 unless its in a bar, Ive suggested coffee, cinema etc and the one time she went for coffee with me she asked the guy if he could make Irish coffee. She was then angry that I wouldnt go to the pub next door. Ive spoken to her husband about my concerns and he says that he has spoken with her also to no avail. What do I do?

OP posts:

Notsureinlife · 06/10/2024 18:35

You could have been talking about my friend of 30 years. It felt somewhat acceptable in your teens but had a wake up call a few years ago after a night identical to yours. Either doesn't remember her behaviour or thinks an apology puts a line under it and its forgotton.Went no contact for a while, then only contact was regular WhatsApp. Five years later thought she might have changed so met for lunch. Don't ever be fooled. An alcoholic won't change. You have to create your boundaries as to what is acceptable. Have a distance friend from afar. We talk about life, holidays, partners, everything friends do, just not face to face and it works and I'm not dragged into her life of alcohol. Its her world, not mine. Best of luck. You'll work out what's right for you.

Changingplace · 06/10/2024 18:33

I had a friend like this, I no longer see her, her drinking and behaviour when she’s drunk are disgusting and I had too many nights ruined by her.

I told her many times her drinking was an issue, it didn’t change, she didn’t care how it affected those around her.

I just stopped going out when she was there and now haven’t seen her in years, I’ve heard her partner has since left her over her drinking too, it’s very sad but I couldn’t deal with it any more and I don’t regret my decision to drop her.

Sugarysugar · 06/10/2024 18:32

Yes, don't just not speak to her: tell her why you don't want to be in her company.

If you and her other friends are honest with her and tell her how she behaves when she is drunk and that none of you want to be in her company when she is drinking then there is a chance she might realise she has to make changes in her life.

She is an alcoholic. It is an illness. Only she can do something about it. Being annoyed with her partner is not fair on him. It must be a nightmare for him to live with.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/10/2024 18:29

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 06/10/2024 18:23

Tell her she's a nasty mouthed drunk and you don't want to go out with her again.

You can, and I think should, tell her in one of her sober moments that you don't enjoy socialising with her when she's drinking because she behaves unpleasantly, and that she doesn't seem able to socialise without a drink. And that it's obvious to everyone that she's an alcoholic who needs help, and that you hope she finds that help. Then leave her to it. You can't fix this for her.

Bonjovispjs · 06/10/2024 18:27

I had a friend like this years ago. She got so nasty whenever she drank. Always apologised the next day even though she didn't remember what she had done. I got sick of it eventually and just left a night out early when she started behaving that way. She left me a message the next day asking why I left. I didn't reply and haven't spoken to her since, don't need that in my life.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/10/2024 18:25

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 06/10/2024 18:23

Tell her she's a nasty mouthed drunk and you don't want to go out with her again.

Yeah honestly I agree with this.

And if all of her friends do this, it will be a kick up the arse she might desperately need to sort herself out.

KindOf · 06/10/2024 18:24

Just say what you’ve said here, and that you refuse to be around her when she drinks. You’re probably doing her a favour.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 06/10/2024 18:23

Tell her she's a nasty mouthed drunk and you don't want to go out with her again.

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