Drunk friend so nasty

He said she must have been having a hard week for years and that he was a disgrace for enabling her alcoholism

I'm sad and angry and worried but we can only offer help and hope that its accepted

yeah op. Very helpful. You didn’t offer help. Your husband rolled in and went on the attack, egged on by you no doubt/

I really feel it is unacceptable for you and your husband to blame the husband. If you want to say something say it to the woman herself your husband had no right to lose it with his friend, this isn’t the 50s. She’s not a possession, he doesn’t control her. And it shows so limited understanding of alcoholism that you’d think this is the approach. I’m fairly disgusted by it.

It's horrible to watch someone go through this , her husband has lived it for years I don't think he can see any other way of life , she probably needs inpatient treatment and counselling to help her but if she can't accept she has a problem in the first place all of that is pointless. I Watched my aunt live like this unfortunately she died from aspiring vomit whilst passed out drunk alone. The nastiness and the unwillingness to accept that there is a problem made me stop spending time with her . I think you should maybe explain to her that you have to distance yourself from her because of her behaviour while drinking. It probably won't stop her drinking but if other people say the same it might create a reason for her to get help.

Alcoholism is a disease and a mental illness. No one ‘allows’ anyone else to be mentally unwell, which your friend clearly is.

"Alcoholism is a disease" first started in the US and was used so that alcoholics could get treatment on insurance. This enables them to think it's an illness, not their fault, and can do nothing about it. An alcoholic needs to accept responsibility and help themselves. I've experience with a family member.

I agree with this - I was a different person when I drank. Some people seem to change with alcohol - seeing that change happen is always a huge red flag for me. However, even though I may not have been in control of everything I did, I was still responsible for everything I did. I knew what alcohol did to me, and I still picked it up. I've been sober for 22 years now, but I can still very easily imagine how your friend is feeling now. That hungover fear and panic is unreal - as is the desperation to somehow "normalise" everything. Not saying you should feel sorry for her, by the way - she needs to go through this. You are absolutely right in not enabling her behaviour.

I can understand your anger and reluctance to talk to your friend at the moment. Alcoholism, like any addiction, is ugly and it is devastating - not only to the addict but to all around them.

if you do decide to speak to her about her drinking again it is likely she will get defensive and shut down - none of us like being called out even when it’s something we should be called out on!

If you do have the conversation with her it can be helpful to use questions e.g. tell her you’re worried about her, she asks why and you put it back to her ‘do you have any idea why I, and others, might be worried about you?’ She may or may not answer truthfully. Once alcohol is raised as a concern try questioning her about it rather than listing your concerns - ask if she has ever worried about her drinking, does she think her drinking has affected her life negatively, has it affected other peoples lives, has she ever thought how her life might be without alcohol etc.

it is very true that the only person who can do anything about an addiction is the addict themselves, however this type of conversation can be helpful in at least making the person less likely to react in a defensive way and possibly acknowledge there is a problem - a first step to doing something about it hopefully.

You need to tell her exactly what you've written. She wont understand the impact shes having on others unless shes told (or show her the post)

I also had a friend like this I had to back off from. Would only meet for a morning coffee from then on

I think you should just step back and leave them to it. She won’t change and stop drinking until she wants to-and clearly she hasn’t reached that point yet. That old adage of you can’t fix it, you can’t change it, you can only alter your response and how you act. So step away.

She's a mean drunk and / or an alcoholic.

I don't agree that alcohol just "brings out the real you". I lived with an alcoholic mother for many years and she was not "her" when she was drunk. It can create monsters

That said, this woman isn't a close relative. You do not and should not put up with her. Refusing to be around her when she drinks or at all would be my advice. I feel bad for her family, but agree her dh is an enabler whether he knows it or not

Where you say here ‘he has allowed his wife to act this way’ I think you’re still shifting the responsibility entirely onto the wrong person. My father is an alcoholic. It was not my mother’s fault and she did not ‘allow it’. You would never say that of the wife of an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is a disease and a mental illness. No one ‘allows’ anyone else to be mentally unwell, which your friend clearly is.

Of course that's what she wants - everyone around her to collude in her Denial.

Please don't go along with it. By all means walk away and have no contact at all, no-one in the world should blame you. If you DO want her to get better so your friendship has a chance of continuing please stop the collusion and tell her the hard truth.

Tell her. She already knows but needs to hear it.

Send her a text spelling out exactly how angry and upset you are, hold nothing back.

Tell her she's an out if control alcoholic and you will not socialise with her around any alcohol in future - or at all if that's how you feel.

She needs to realise she has an addiction and needs professional help to quit drinking.

She won't come to this realisation until and unless people tell her the truth about her appalling pissed behaviours.

OP, she sounds like a monster and I just wouldn't be arsed with her anymore. You don't need to do anything about it, just don't spend time with her. She only even wants to get pissed and she's a dick when she drinks so leave her to it.

My dad was like this. It’s horrendous to have in a family member. The only way to deal with people like this is to be absolutely hardline in insisting you won’t be around it.

I told him when I was in my twenties that I would not be in the same room as him if he drank more than two units of alcohol. He kicked off and accused me of being controlling etc but he stuck to it when I was there.

You can control it. All you can do is refuse to participate in and enable it. That takes the pressure off you and ultimately sends a stronger message.

@CeCeDrake yes thank you. He is long gone.

I’d probably factually and unemotionally list everything she said and say that you don’t feel you can be friends anymore, her unkindness doesn’t sit comfortably with you.

I did live with an alcoholic - I’d rather my mum had left and taken her chances than have us living on egg shells with a raging alcoholic. I’m not digging at you but children need safety - protection. I don’t think anyone judges the spouse of an alcoholic for that alcoholics behaviour- the judgment is comes in when the sober parent doesn’t take steps to protect them.

an alcohol puts their needs first - children need an adult who chooses them.

Yeah - this. You’re amazing. Alcoholism is the never ending saga that controls all aspects of life, every corner of it. I do hope your life is free of addiction now!

She has approached me previously with concerns about their drinking and I have tried to steer them towards help

who has approached you about whose drinking?

you can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking

Her DH needs to step up ...he’s at fault for going along with it. As the ex-spouse of an alcoholic I would have hated to think people were putting the blame on me for my DH's drinking and subsequent vile behaviour. Unless you have lived with an alcoholic you have no idea how horrific it is. You can't control their drinking and leaving is an enormously difficult decision. If your spouse gets part custody, who protects your children then?

Sorry I hadn’t read he was drinking along with her, I must have missed this. I too have grown up in an alcoholic environment so I know there is complete lack of a black and white answers to what would be right in the situation, of which I’m sure you know. Like I said, he at present and during their childhood was a buffer for them, had they separated the mother would have got some type of custody as we all know, alcoholics are fabulous liars, therefore, there no longer would have been his input when the kids were with her, therefore maybe a much worse outcome.
there really is no way of winning! Damned if you stay, damned if you don’t!
she sounds horrid though and I do think for her friends, they don’t need to be in her company, don’t owe her anything so of course should be away like a shot when she is hateful - shit situation.

I’ve had a close friend like this, only she wasn’t nasty, just a pita when she drank as she wanted you to drink with her and could be insulting to others and did things like fell through a window once. She’s now longer here (dead).

Getting an alcoholic to stay clean is very hard though if not nigh on impossible.