What do I do now? SA by friend

Something similar happened to me when I was 18. I know it was a 'friend' just don't know which one. I was asleep after a house party in a bed with my now dh and woke feeling there was a hand running up and down the inside of my leg. I thought it was my now dh, but he was fast asleep on the other side of the bed. I thought imagined it so went back to sleep. It happened once more before I decided I was going to try & grab them. But they got away and I couldn't find who it was, despite running from room to room.
I told other friends but no one took me seriously. My now dh was so upset he slept through what was happening. It kept me awake for so many years & I wish I knew for certain who it was, but I guess they'll take that to their grave.
I think of my situation was like yours, I'd send the message & then block him again. Who cares what he says after that. Like a pp said, if a man did the same to him you'd guarantee he wouldn't think nothing of it.

This.
So sorry this has happened to you OP. What a creep :(

Unblock, send the message, then reblock him. Don't think about him or his feelings again.

The only thing you should be thinking about is taking care of yourself right now. Anything else can wait.
What is right for anyone else isn't relevant to you atm.
It's lovely you've had so many responses with wise words.
I hope you can lean on your friends irl 🌺

I would send this message regardless of whether I reported to the police or not.

I am devastated that you sexually assaulted me whilst I was asleep. I am in shock, and currently deciding whether I will be filing a police statement in the morning. You need professional help.

And block.
Some sleepless nights and waiting for the police to knock on his door will at least slow him down in the short term.

Unblock, write the message, then block. You don't need to see his response; it will never satisfy you. But you need to tell him. Write what @SauviGone has said. Factual, unemotional and absolutely cut the fucker off.

Sorry, it's grim. Been there.

He planned it.
He could easily do the same, or worse, to someone else.
Your 'no' meant nothing to him.
I would seriously consider reporting him.

Please ensure that all your mutual friends know about this so they're warned.

I am so very sorry to read this. A 'friend' of mine did similarly only not physically fortunately - he kept messaging trying to be sexual and wouldn't stop when I said no - that made me feel grim enough, and utterly betrayed. I had held him in so much esteem and I was so disappointed. But that's nothing compared to him TOUCHING you.

Ignore his "suicidal" claims, I suspect he said that to see if he could get you to feel more open to any sort of sexual shennanigans. If he did do anything to himself, that is entirely down to him - but isn't it interesting that he feels suicidal, but also seemed to be able to feel sexual?

I would urge you to contact the police and report this if for no other reason than that someone else is talking to and listening to you and telling you this isn't OK. While they may well not be able to take it any further, they are very likely to contact him about it which will scare the shit out of him and may well put him off doing anything like this again.

However, this is entirely up to you. Whatever you do FOR YOU will be right. You do need some time to recover from it. Perhaps don't do anything for a few days and just block him so you don't have to worry about dealing with him; however I suspect he may not leave you alone... if you go to the police and they talk to him he will not dare contact you again.

Agreed, I would do this.

I did report an SA to police a few years ago. I said I didn’t want it investigated as it was a he says/she says scenario but I wanted it on record in case he was a repeat offender they could come back to me to build a picture of him as a predator. The police were actually very nice and professional about the whole thing. Of course you don’t need to report him if you don’t feel comfortable - it took me a few years.

Also I am so sorry for what happened. It was not your fault.

“I’m sorry how the night ended”???
”I don’t want things being rubbish between us”???
And he suggests that you go round and take some food!!!

I think you really should tell him that you’re revolted and upset - you woke up to him assaulting you while you were asleep. Remind him that you had not given any consent whatsoever… Then block him again if you need to. But he shouldn’t be getting away with his Scott free. Without being made to feel uncomfortable about what he did. So he might just think in the future.

NHS has some advice and signposts to other helplines and organisations.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Yes you absolutely call it out to him and then not only will he not bother you again, you are also standing up for yourself.

I’ve had this happen to me before. My
’best’ male friend of many many years.
adored him in a brotherly way, trusted him entirely. Used to stay over at his and him at mine, all the time, same bed. Then one night randomly I woke up to him fingering me and wanking himself. I froze, didn’t know what to do, so just lay there. Haven’t seen or spoken to him since.

im sorry this happened to you, it so so shit. Do you feel you could report it? Sorry if you have already answered, it took me a while to write out my experience. I really hate some men. It broke my trust in every man.

I would try to get him to admit in writing via text message that he had sexually assaulted me and then report it to the police.

If this was not an option, then I would in some way seek vengeance. The fucking bastard.

This.

He is not ‘morally sound’ but a sexual predator who is a danger to women, and clearly not the first time he has done this (too brazen)

I would report because he could gain confidence from this incident and escalate. He needs to be stopped.

These types of men hide in plain sight. Contact the police and ask for help.

He is trying to minimize what he did. In no case should you allow it.
SauviGone said you should send him this: I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.
I agree.

Please report to police. He will do it again if he gets away with it. What advice would you give to your daughter if she came home and told you this ?

This is so, so not on you. You are not responsible for his feelings or his behaviour. He has absolutely taken advantage of your trust, utterly betrayed your friendship and completely disrespected you as a person.

What you do or don’t do is completely up to you but do not let yourself be manipulated by this man’s feelings. He has done enough.

@lookingforadvice26 if you do message, I would not wait for a reply but block immediately.

If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it. If you're unsure, You don't have to do it today. You can wait until you're ready. There are pros and cons to sending it. It's good advice but it could aggravate him and I can see why it would increase your anxiety. Do what's best for you.

Report him. You had a lucky escape but the next person might not. This is not a “blip” someone has to be a serious predator to do this. Even if the police don’t take it any further it might be enough for him to realise that this is seriously criminal and either get help or think twice before doing it again.

Something similar happened to me op when I was 19 (rape) and I didn't report it either because it was unlikely to go anywhere. I wish I had, tbh. It still haunts me. I think sending a clear, unequivocal message that what he did was sexual assault and non consensual means that if things were to get unpleasant, you've got a record, immediately after the event, stating your position.

Only you can decide op but I'd be making it clear that this was non consensual

Something similar happened to me, I was quite vocal about it. He never admitted it but moved away quite abruptly. I didnt go to the police or get any counselling and I didn't appreciate a couple of friends trying to get me to so. Do what feels right for you and what you need, whatever that may be.