Page 6 | What do I do now? SA by friend

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 09/10/2024 15:45

I've not read every response, but an alternative to the police is to contact your local SARC, they can talk you through your options with no pressure, they can also take a statement and support you if you do want to report what happened.

Paganpentacle · 09/10/2024 14:49

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:43

I don't think I would report to the police. He told me that he felt suicidal before after a relationship breakdown and after 10+ years of friendship I feel like this was a serious blip in what I otherwise seen as someone morally sound. I'd feel guilty if I reported and he decided to do something like take his own life.

I suppose I was in two minds to reply to the text and call him out on it but I'm not sure it would achieve anything.

Its not your guilt.
You're not responsible for how he reacts when being confronted about sexually abusing you.
Because that's what he did.

Conniebygaslight · 09/10/2024 14:47

So sorry OP this is not only a dreadful betrayal of trust but also a complete violation of your boundaries and disrespect of your body. Please just do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally because right now you don't feel it. If it makes you feel more unsafe having any contact with this person then don't. Seek support from those who you feel safe with.

Teeshs · 09/10/2024 14:24

possomblossom · 06/10/2024 19:47

@lookingforadvice26
I just wanted to say first: I am so sorry this happened to you. It was SA, no question. I suggest that if you do decide to respond in any way, you could: take your time, compose exactly what you want to say (maybe on pc/other platform. When you are happy you've covered what you want to say, unblock, send, then immediately block again. If it was me, my message would include something along the lines of: "it is a matter of fact that I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. It is also a matter of fact that,due to this gross and unforgivable betrayal of our friendship, I no longer wish to have anything to do with you. So don't bother trying to contact me ever again. Any attempt to do so will result in an immediate report to the police." Then an immediate block. I hope your good friends are there for you and 🫂💐

This OP,

That is a serious violation and sexual assault
Not his first rodeo I would bet.

I would send the above so that he knows that you know he has committed a crime.

The police cannot prosecute this type of assault without your participation, but informing the police and putting him on their radar can definitely give you some satisfaction that you are helping others.

My friends daughter did this and a couple of years ago, the police called her to go over what happen.
She helped another victim be taken very seriously and showed he had form.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.
He is a dangerous predator.

lateatwork · 09/10/2024 14:14

His messages to you appear blind to the harm done to you- as if he has done nothing wrong- minimising at best.

Put the record straight- not for him to understand (he possibly won't) but I'd want to be heard. Then block.

heartbroken22 · 09/10/2024 14:12

I'd report to the police because they could do it to another friend and in fact could go a lot further.

@TheArtfulScreamer1 please report them as it will be on file should he SA someone else.

Firesideblanket · 09/10/2024 14:05

LessOfThis · 09/10/2024 13:44

It is NOT your responsibility to report this in case he assaults anyone in the future. People saying that need to take a look at themselves.

You should report it because YOU deserve justice.

This. It’s really rather victim blaming… if he repeats this behaviour that’s on him, not the OP.
Take your time OP, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do, that includes messaging him or reporting him. Handle this however you wish, you have no duty to anyone but yourself.

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 14:02

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 18:12

I would message them (just so it’s on record, in writing, in case you do decide to take it further at some point)…

“I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.

And then block them on everything.

This is what I would do. Make it clear what has happened but that there will be no future reply from you.

Make him sweat.

LessOfThis · 09/10/2024 13:44

It is NOT your responsibility to report this in case he assaults anyone in the future. People saying that need to take a look at themselves.

You should report it because YOU deserve justice.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 09/10/2024 13:32

I'd reply to the first message saying "If you value me so much then why did you think it was ok to put your hands inside my knickers and sexually assault me while I slept? You were supposed to be my best friend"

Lays out what exactly happened, that you could not consent and gives a bit of the guilt trip which might make him respond and admit it. Then I'd take it to the police. If he doesn't admit it on the first reply though just block him again.

AW24 · 09/10/2024 13:17

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 18:12

I would message them (just so it’s on record, in writing, in case you do decide to take it further at some point)…

“I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.

And then block them on everything.

I agree with this x

ChiffandBipper · 09/10/2024 13:05

I would reply. Something along the lines of "I woke up to find your hand in my pants. I was asleep. Why did you do that?"

Then if he replies, at least you have something from him in writing confirming your account. Take a screen shot in case he deletes it at a later date.

I would also recommend you tell him to watch 'I may destroy you' on bbc player. It is one of the best things I have ever seen about sexual consent.

OneRarelySeesABrazierTheseDays · 09/10/2024 12:54

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 17:45

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation.

I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night.

You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us .
I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another-

‘Can we chat ?
I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like .
I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’

I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

Report him to the police
Or he will do that to someone else

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 12:53

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 20:56

I would send this message regardless of whether I reported to the police or not.

I am devastated that you sexually assaulted me whilst I was asleep. I am in shock, and currently deciding whether I will be filing a police statement in the morning. You need professional help.

And block.
Some sleepless nights and waiting for the police to knock on his door will at least slow him down in the short term.

Edited

I agree.

Let him sweat it out a bit. I'm so sorry OP, it's just awful.

He wasn't having a blip,he just showed you what he's been like all along. I would want to ensure he doesn't turn up and try to talk to you or SA you again so I absolutely would threaten to tell the police to keep him away. Then you can decide if you actually want to tell them or not. I like to think I would but I'm not in your position.

I would seriously be worried about a man who has no boundaries, he SAs you then wants to come round for a chat with some food? You need to ensure he stays away. I also agree with telling everyone, forewarned is forearmed.

Take care of yourself x

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 09/10/2024 12:28

So presumably be doesn't feel suicidal for having assaulted you, but might if anyone acknowledges it?
Bloody hell. So sorry he betrayed you like this.

I'd get very angry tbh.

Autumnowl · 09/10/2024 12:22

Having read the full thread
Why are you more concerned with his mental health,rather than yours
Why are you not fucking angry that his predator waited untill you were asleep to assault you ?
He knew full well you did not want him touching you ,which is why he waited till you were asleep...what if you hadn't of woken up ..would he of done it again ,next time you stayed over ...
This is not a nice guy who made a mistake
This is a vile predator,who most likely has done this before ,and without police involved,will carry on doing it to others .
Your future self will thank you for reporting him.
You may not be angry now ,but you will one day ,and you don't want to regret not reporting him .
Imagine if this had happened to your daughter,or your mum or your auntie...would you not be angry on their behalf,and tell them to report it .
If you hadn't of woken up ,how far would he of gone ......

EngineEngineNumber9 · 09/10/2024 12:16

This happened to my BFF when we were in school. We had a male best friend and we all hung out together all the time. He was like a brother to us for literally five years with no funny business. Then one night after a party the two of them slept in the same bed (as we had all done countless times before) and she woke up to similar to what OP described. Absolutely destroyed her ability to trust boys/men and I honestly believe it fucked her up mentally for life. She didn’t report as it would have just been pointless and so awkward as we were still in high school at the time.

Autumnowl · 09/10/2024 12:12

My advice is go to the police
You have been sexually assaulted

VapeVamp12 · 09/10/2024 12:08

I'm so sorry to read this OP. It is absolutely abhorrent.

And also the other posters saying similar has happened to them with ex "friends".

Do these men get a kick out of doing it when women are asleep or drunk as that's the only way they'd even get a chance to touch you - i.e. without your consent?

Do they think these women will wake up and have some how changed their mind and now want these sick men? I can't fathom what goes through their heads.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/10/2024 11:52

@lookingforadvice26 how are you?

StMarieforme · 07/10/2024 21:55

bridgetreilly · 06/10/2024 19:19

Report to the police. They may not be able to press charges, but it might at least send him a strong signal that this is utterly unacceptable behaviour and maybe frighten him enough to not try it again.

A bit nit picky I know but the police do not make that decision. The CPS do. However the assailant may be given a severe wake up call if he is arrested by police and questioned etc.

Savingthehedgehogs · 07/10/2024 21:37

Well I willl give my thoughts on what he could potentially do. Protecting his mental health means sacrificing alll of his victims past and future. Whom could suffer awful injuries and life long pain.

As a rape survivor, we have to find it within ourselves to protect each other and stand up to this, it’s not okay. It will never be okay. Or we give them the green light to continue… and all that means for the victims.

Errors · 07/10/2024 12:20

Skyrainlight · 06/10/2024 19:45

I would say the benefit of you messaging him would be to protect yourself in the future if required. If he turns up to see you and you want to call the police it would be useful to have something documented.

To add to what others have said, please send him that message. You need to have something in writing in case you need it.
I won’t give my opinion on you not reporting him to protect his mental health because I don’t think it’ll do you any good…

WitchyBits · 07/10/2024 12:12

lookingforadvice26 · 06/10/2024 18:43

I don't think I would report to the police. He told me that he felt suicidal before after a relationship breakdown and after 10+ years of friendship I feel like this was a serious blip in what I otherwise seen as someone morally sound. I'd feel guilty if I reported and he decided to do something like take his own life.

I suppose I was in two minds to reply to the text and call him out on it but I'm not sure it would achieve anything.

And yet I doubt very much that he feels guilty for sexual assaulting you.

What he is trying to do now is to soothe you into complacency and so he can smile to himself that he has eroded one of your boundraries and he has the green light to go ahead and go a step further next time.

And he hasn't been your friend, he's been very clear in what he wants and has in effect groomed you in a long slow game of cat and mouse and then tried to take what he wanted when he was convinced you were too far invested into the friendship and he felt 100% safe you wouldn't report him. His self reported suicidal feelings are a cover, a sheep like cloak hiding a wolf underneath and in plain sight.

Noseybookworm · 06/10/2024 23:26

I'm so sorry that you've been sexually assaulted by a friend - it's a horrendous betrayal of trust. You don't need to make any decisions right now but I would definitely talk it through with a support charity who can help you think through your options and help you find a way forward. You have done nothing wrong OP and all you need to do is look after yourself 💐

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/#:~:text=Sexual%20assault%20referral%20centres%20(SARCs,appointment%20with%20your%20nearest%20one.