Page 5 | What do I do now? SA by friend

lookingforadvice26 · 2024-10-06T16:45:22+00:00

One of my closest friends of 10 + years, they had expressed desire to be with me romantically a while ago and I very clearly said no, it would never happen and the friendship continued. Went out Friday evening and had a great night, lots of drinking throughout the evening. They live close to where we were, we got lots of food on way home and they said in the taxi 'come into mine to eat the food' I have stayed at their house a few times because of the location after night out. Ate the food and then went to bed fully clothed. Woke up during the night to them touching me sexually and hands on my vagina inside my underwear. Was no consent. We had spent 10 hours together throughout the evening and I didn't give an indication of any interest, they didn't try anything on when I was awake. They waited until I was sleeping and touched me without my consent. I stood up immediately and walked outside and waited for a taxi to arrive and went home. I don't like confrontation. I blocked them on WhatsApp but they sent a message on iMessage saying 'I’m sorry how the night ended last night. You know how much I value you , you’re important to me so I hate if things aren’t good between us . I adore you, I’d like to think you do know that ‘ which I ignored and then another- ‘Can we chat ? I’ll call you or can even come over and bring some food if you like . I Don’t want things being rubbish between us x’ I don’t even know what to do next, I have blocked them on message now also. I feel so upset, I feel like the whole friendship was a sham for them to get close and take advantage of me like that or all just sexually motivated and my friendship alone was never of any interest to them. I feel disgusted and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t believe I was so close with someone who would do this. I feel really disturbed by the whole thing.

FriendsDrinkBook · 10/10/2024 16:52

I'm glad you've found your anger op. And please don't be hard on yourself , you should be able to trust your (so-called) friends to not touch you inappropriately , it's the bare minimum. Shame on him for harming you.

I'm also glad you're reaching out for support. Keep looking after yourself and remember that this group of strangers is here if you need to vent.

GesmereldaWeatherwax · 10/10/2024 08:04

Well done on reaching out to the counsellor. The website a previous poster recommended is a very good one. I hope you're able to get a session with them soon.

Justasmallgless · 09/10/2024 22:16

The more you have felt able to tell us about all the trauma you have been through, the more fucking angry I am as to what he has subjected you to.

Sexual assault centres are specialists and can help you with practical suggestions such as screen shotting messages, writing down an account now whilst it's Fresh in your mind, consider preserving CCTV of when you were out.

Then if you decide to prosecute at some point in the future you have it all documented.

Well done on finding a counsellor, or taking the first steps. That's a really positive thing and starts to give you back some
Control.

You have choices and as long as you keep yourself and your daughter safe and well in the meantime that's the important thing

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 21:46

So glad you're going to see a counsellor, from your latest posts you sound much stronger. I'm so sorry this happened x

Original poster

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 21:35

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 21:31

OP,just a thought but there's no way he'd try and contact your daughter ,is there?

No definitely not, he wouldn't have realised that the text went to her phone.

If you text my phone number and it's sends as an iMessage then it automatically goes to her phone as it's signed into my iCloud. He wouldn't know this. He's just realised he's blocked and is contacting me through IMessage.

I just reached out to a counsellor through the online registry that someone recommend - thank you ❤️

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 21:31

OP,just a thought but there's no way he'd try and contact your daughter ,is there?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 21:27

ChiffandBipper · 09/10/2024 13:05

I would reply. Something along the lines of "I woke up to find your hand in my pants. I was asleep. Why did you do that?"

Then if he replies, at least you have something from him in writing confirming your account. Take a screen shot in case he deletes it at a later date.

I would also recommend you tell him to watch 'I may destroy you' on bbc player. It is one of the best things I have ever seen about sexual consent.

I strongly advise you NOT to tell him to watch that, it's a BBC drama , yes it's powerful but will be completely lost on a man who has no boundaries and may actually encourage him to contact the OP again .

MamaLazerou · 09/10/2024 21:04

If you are in the UK. The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy or BACP offers a good starting point for finding a counsellor or therapist both geographically and by area of experience/ expertise. Some work on a sliding scale in terms of payment.

Finding someone who you feel comfortable with is important and any good therapist will be happy to speak with you first to see if you suit each other.

There are several SA organisations across the UK who sometimes offer free counselling.

So sorry you have been through this experience.

Skyrainlight · 09/10/2024 21:00

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 20:30

This was really helpful along with lots of other replies.

I think addressing it with him doesn't change what's happened and it will cause more anxiety for me about the back lash from him when he tries to defend himself.

On another note I have only recently finished chemo and had a clear scan to say I'm cancer free.I had a check up today with my consultant which I find horrendously triggering and I discussed my horrendous health anxiety that I battle with since I got the all clear. I then had a chat with a friend who told me about someone she knows cancer returning, it's now being terminal and she's going to be leaving children behind. The cancer I had is one of the most likely ones to return and I have horrendous anxiety around that. Overall a really emotionally heavy day.

I really do need to speak to a counsellor but i don't know where to start to find a new one.

I feel like my first session would be like that Katie price clip where she is filmed saying 'I was held hostage In South Africa, my horse was killed, I nearly died, ect ect ect' a total trauma dump 🙈🙈

This last years been RELENTLESS with the cancer, my child was ill, break down of my marriage and now this sexual assault from my closest friend 🤯

Show quote history

I'm so sorry you have had such an unbelievably difficult time, that sounds completely horrendous!! Be gentle with yourself and try to find a good therapist as soon as you are able, and use the free help lines to dump in the mean time if you need to.

Peagreenlilacblue · 09/10/2024 20:43

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 09/10/2024 12:28

So presumably be doesn't feel suicidal for having assaulted you, but might if anyone acknowledges it?
Bloody hell. So sorry he betrayed you like this.

I'd get very angry tbh.

This! Quote of the decade!

SALaw · 09/10/2024 20:42

OP there is zero doubt this is sexual assault. Don't let your brain (or him, or anyone else) put a justification or explanation on it that implies it isn't. No "mixed signals" nonsense etc.

SALaw · 09/10/2024 20:37

Please please report

Original poster

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 20:31

*find a good one not a new one!

My typos are awful in my post- sorry!

OP posts:

Original poster

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 20:30

GesmereldaWeatherwax · 09/10/2024 20:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I had a very similar thing happen to me many years ago. It's absolutely normal to think about it a huge amount, to feel angry, sad, hurt, frustrated etc. How you're feeling is absolutely horrible but I would say 100% normal. Personally I wouldn't bother unblocking him and reaching out to him, I doubt any good would come of it. For me I completely cut him out of my life. A few months later he messaged me (I can't remember how he got through tbh) saying he hadn't heard from for a while and he was worried about me. I absolutely let rip on him then, saying he SA me and how dare he claim he was worried about me. He got really argumentative and defensive back and tbh that made my mental health so much worse. It's difficult to know what's for the best but personally I'd strongly recommend just cutting him out.

You've mentioned feeling disappointed for not spotting the sounds. I understand why you feel that way but you are absolutely not to blame. None of us expect our friend to do something like this and it is utterly heartbreaking and scary when they do. You have done nothing wrong here.

If you're in a position to afford it, I'd highly recommend speaking to a private counsellor. It was a horrendous few months for me after it happened and private counselling was the only thing that got me through it.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, to cry, to feel angry, to just feel how you need to. Keep reaching out here if you feel you need to talk / you feel it will help, there's usually someone around that can help. If you're struggling to sleep as a result, it may also be worth speaking to your GP about support too. Most importantly I'd say try not to bottle things up if you can help it.

This was really helpful along with lots of other replies.

I think addressing it with him doesn't change what's happened and it will cause more anxiety for me about the back lash from him when he tries to defend himself.

On another note I have only recently finished chemo and had a clear scan to say I'm cancer free.I had a check up today with my consultant which I find horrendously triggering and I discussed my horrendous health anxiety that I battle with since I got the all clear. I then had a chat with a friend who told me about someone she knows cancer returning, it's now being terminal and she's going to be leaving children behind. The cancer I had is one of the most likely ones to return and I have horrendous anxiety around that. Overall a really emotionally heavy day.

I really do need to speak to a counsellor but i don't know where to start to find a new one.

I feel like my first session would be like that Katie price clip where she is filmed saying 'I was held hostage In South Africa, my horse was killed, I nearly died, ect ect ect' a total trauma dump 🙈🙈

This last years been RELENTLESS with the cancer, my child was ill, break down of my marriage and now this sexual assault from my closest friend 🤯

OP posts:

ChiliFiend · 09/10/2024 20:26

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 18:12

I would message them (just so it’s on record, in writing, in case you do decide to take it further at some point)…

“I woke up to find you sexually assaulting me. Don’t ever contact me or try to speak to me ever again”.

And then block them on everything.

100% agree with this - you may not want to do anything about it now, but it preserves your position just in case you ever need help proving it down the line. I'm sorry this happened and hope you're ok.

Justasmallgless · 09/10/2024 20:17

I'm really sorry this has happened to you and that your "friend" has completely betrayed your trust and sexually assaulted you.

Your local sexual assault referral centre or rape crisis centre would be a really good start and they will not tell the police unless you want to. They can discuss options and support you as well as refer for counselling.

Sending big hugs and am glad you have told a friend too

GesmereldaWeatherwax · 09/10/2024 20:17

Also just to add I understand why posters are suggesting the police but please only do this if it's something you want to do. He is the only person responsible for stopping himself doing this again, not you! I went to the police, they barely even took a statement and then told me it's my word against his so they wouldn't pursue it. Going to the police can add to the emotional burden already placed upon you by his actions. You have to look after yourself right now and do what is best for you.

GesmereldaWeatherwax · 09/10/2024 20:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I had a very similar thing happen to me many years ago. It's absolutely normal to think about it a huge amount, to feel angry, sad, hurt, frustrated etc. How you're feeling is absolutely horrible but I would say 100% normal. Personally I wouldn't bother unblocking him and reaching out to him, I doubt any good would come of it. For me I completely cut him out of my life. A few months later he messaged me (I can't remember how he got through tbh) saying he hadn't heard from for a while and he was worried about me. I absolutely let rip on him then, saying he SA me and how dare he claim he was worried about me. He got really argumentative and defensive back and tbh that made my mental health so much worse. It's difficult to know what's for the best but personally I'd strongly recommend just cutting him out.

You've mentioned feeling disappointed for not spotting the sounds. I understand why you feel that way but you are absolutely not to blame. None of us expect our friend to do something like this and it is utterly heartbreaking and scary when they do. You have done nothing wrong here.

If you're in a position to afford it, I'd highly recommend speaking to a private counsellor. It was a horrendous few months for me after it happened and private counselling was the only thing that got me through it.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings, to cry, to feel angry, to just feel how you need to. Keep reaching out here if you feel you need to talk / you feel it will help, there's usually someone around that can help. If you're struggling to sleep as a result, it may also be worth speaking to your GP about support too. Most importantly I'd say try not to bottle things up if you can help it.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 09/10/2024 20:13

sonofrageandlove · 06/10/2024 18:57

im not saying it’s your responsibility OP, but this is unlikely to be the last time he tries this kind of thing. At least if the police have a record of it, then at least it’s building a picture of this person incase it’s needed in the future.

This!

RedToothBrush · 09/10/2024 20:12

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 19:59

Thank you so much for checking in.

I'm surprised how much it's affected me and I can't stop thinking about it. I must be thinking about it 40-60 times a day atm, is that normal for other people who have been assaulted? Does it eventually start to lesson the thoughts? I suppose I'm angrier as the week has gone on and more disgusted at what he done.

When I first posted I was doubting if it was sexual assault and what his motives were. Now I feel it was absolutely sexual assault and he had an agenda with his 'friendship' the whole time, all of it was sexually driven and he was never interested in just being my friend. He's a creep and a predator.

So I blocked his number on my phone but my daughter's phone is linked to mine on iMessage and his messages came through on her phone. She alerted me to them today (although she hadn't opened them/wouldn't have understood the context) I glanced at them and seen something about him asking if I was still going on a holiday we were supposed to be going on together in a few months and how he had already booked (thankfully I hadn't booked mine). I couldn't bring myself to read the message and I deleted it without reading, I don't want to reply. I don't want to ever think about him again. He makes me feel sick.

I just want to whole situation to go away and addressing him directly in anyway about it massively increases my anxiety.

I feel disappointed in myself that I failed to spot the signs that someone was a creep and a predator. Before he done this I actually left my kids with him alone to nip out before. I had known him for 10+ years and believed I knew him extremely well. It's massively dented my trust in people going forward.

So he's now harassing you too.

I'd add that to the above.

"You sexually assaulted me without my consent. I do not owe you anything and I will not be engaging with you again in anyway. I am not interested in unacceptable excuses. You, and you alone are responsible for this. I will consider any further attempts to contact me or my children either directly or indirectly as harassment and will act accordingly".

RedToothBrush · 09/10/2024 20:10

"You sexually assaulted me without my consent. I do not owe you anything and I will not be engaging with you again in anyway. I am not interested in unacceptable excuses. You, and you alone are responsible for this".

And block.

And he's only gets that because you clearly have a number of mutual friends.

MaybeItsBecauseImALodoner · 09/10/2024 20:07

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 19:59

Thank you so much for checking in.

I'm surprised how much it's affected me and I can't stop thinking about it. I must be thinking about it 40-60 times a day atm, is that normal for other people who have been assaulted? Does it eventually start to lesson the thoughts? I suppose I'm angrier as the week has gone on and more disgusted at what he done.

When I first posted I was doubting if it was sexual assault and what his motives were. Now I feel it was absolutely sexual assault and he had an agenda with his 'friendship' the whole time, all of it was sexually driven and he was never interested in just being my friend. He's a creep and a predator.

So I blocked his number on my phone but my daughter's phone is linked to mine on iMessage and his messages came through on her phone. She alerted me to them today (although she hadn't opened them/wouldn't have understood the context) I glanced at them and seen something about him asking if I was still going on a holiday we were supposed to be going on together in a few months and how he had already booked (thankfully I hadn't booked mine). I couldn't bring myself to read the message and I deleted it without reading, I don't want to reply. I don't want to ever think about him again. He makes me feel sick.

I just want to whole situation to go away and addressing him directly in anyway about it massively increases my anxiety.

I feel disappointed in myself that I failed to spot the signs that someone was a creep and a predator. Before he done this I actually left my kids with him alone to nip out before. I had known him for 10+ years and believed I knew him extremely well. It's massively dented my trust in people going forward.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, It's so shocking.. It is very normal to be so affected by this and to keep replaying it, your brain is trying to make sense of it and it can't. I have contacted them myself a few times and they have been a huge help.. Rape Crisis UK helpline, it's 24 hours and you get 45 minutes to just talk anonymously to a a worker with no pressure to report, you don't even have to give your name.

Original poster

lookingforadvice26 · 09/10/2024 19:59

Thank you so much for checking in.

I'm surprised how much it's affected me and I can't stop thinking about it. I must be thinking about it 40-60 times a day atm, is that normal for other people who have been assaulted? Does it eventually start to lesson the thoughts? I suppose I'm angrier as the week has gone on and more disgusted at what he done.

When I first posted I was doubting if it was sexual assault and what his motives were. Now I feel it was absolutely sexual assault and he had an agenda with his 'friendship' the whole time, all of it was sexually driven and he was never interested in just being my friend. He's a creep and a predator.

So I blocked his number on my phone but my daughter's phone is linked to mine on iMessage and his messages came through on her phone. She alerted me to them today (although she hadn't opened them/wouldn't have understood the context) I glanced at them and seen something about him asking if I was still going on a holiday we were supposed to be going on together in a few months and how he had already booked (thankfully I hadn't booked mine). I couldn't bring myself to read the message and I deleted it without reading, I don't want to reply. I don't want to ever think about him again. He makes me feel sick.

I just want to whole situation to go away and addressing him directly in anyway about it massively increases my anxiety.

I feel disappointed in myself that I failed to spot the signs that someone was a creep and a predator. Before he done this I actually left my kids with him alone to nip out before. I had known him for 10+ years and believed I knew him extremely well. It's massively dented my trust in people going forward.

OP posts:

YouOKHun · 09/10/2024 17:19

I hope you're OK @lookingforadvice26. It's a few days after your post and you may have decided how you are dealing what happened.

I think I would briefly unblock and message with the very clear words about what happened as @SauviGone has written. I would then screenshot the whole exchange and then block. What he messaged to you afterwards wasn't just minimising, it was strategic, to try and make it look like he was the reasonable one and you've gone off in a huff. I personally would respond with the facts just so there is a record.

You're not responsible for any of this. You're not responsible for him doing this again or for his reaction to you protecting yourself and ending the friendship. It's all on him and he knows it and is trying to cover himself. Sorry this happened to you, it's such a horrible thing to do to a trusting friend.

HelenHen · 09/10/2024 16:51

I am so sorry that he betrayed your trust and did this to you. He absolutely sexually assaulted you and you did not deserve that.

Right now, you take care of you. He is not your responsibility so don't be concerned about him hurting himself. If he does its because of what he did.

I do hope you send him a message laying out what happened and tell the police anyway so that it is on record.

But please do it for you... not because you feel like you have to.