What do I do now? SA by friend

I think his fragile MH is a load of bollox,he is manipulative and knows he can tug on your heart strings. I had a boyfriend who would do this too, in the end I told him to do it,he never did,just got angrier instead. Surprise surprise 🙄

To add - Victim Support have a live chat facility if you don't feel able to actually speak what happened to you out loud.

Unblock, send the message, re block. Don't wait for his answer. It's irrelevant. But he needs to be clear what he did.
If you want someone to talk to and for advice, Victim Support are excellent. They offer emotional and practical support and can advise you of your options. They will also run some safeguarding if it seems necessary.

That man can't even see that after SA you you wouldn't want to go to australia. I'm sure he won't ever take enough accountability to be suicidal. Could you report just so there is a paper trail?

I find his note really scary. Very calculated.

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP 💔

@Fraaahnces His “Fragile MH” is actually a studied behaviour used to ingratiate himself (fake safety) and excuse boundary-crossing and bad behaviour.

This is interesting as I've had similar experiences with men who I feel protective towards and feel empathy for, and then months later realise I've been manipulated. Do you have any links to research?

I was raped when I was 18 and I suppose it’s comforting to be fully awake exactly what happened. There is something so sinister with what he did to you. He waited until you were asleep, he took total and utter advantage because he knew you would say no when you weee awake and it was like he was playing a game with your body “if I turn her on when she is asleep she will wake up and want it”

that is premeditated on his part and truly awful. Please don’t underestimate what he did to you. It is so so NOT ok on any level. It is even more complicated because he was a friend.

I am so sorry. I really mean that. This will be hard whatever you decide to do as you have been violated and betrayed and your wishes and boundaries trampled over.

I would recommend finding a therapist to talk to.

the man that raped me sent me a text message after I drive home and said “hope you got home safe xx” which was so confusing. I blocked him and never heard from him or spoke to him again. In contrast to another posted I do not regret it.

what I did do was go to the police two weeks later and they documented What happened but I never gave his name-if I had they would have arrested him. But it was all written down in case I changed my mind later. I never did

if you need to talk I’m here

How far into planning the trip were you? Enough that he could try and get nasty?

@lookingforadvice26 I was SA’ed at 14. I understand your reluctance to press charges. Just don’t let his supposed suicidal ideation from the previous relationship breakup be a reason for not reporting this. His “Fragile MH” is actually a studied behaviour used to ingratiate himself (fake safety) and excuse boundary-crossing and bad behaviour. I would be greatly surprised if he hasn’t done this before. It might be smart to speak to the police about doing a background check as he sounds like he has a history of stalkery behaviour at the very least, but I suspect you are not the first object of his obsession. Right now he will be shitting himself - hence the panic/nice guy “proof” messages. Please speak to the police and get the information you need to decide if you want to press charges.

He's trying to minimize and gaslight you. He's determined to plough ahead that everything's fine, maybe you overreacted (you certainly haven't) and he's trying to play this as you were both a bit drunk and it was a "misunderstanding". I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I would report him for harassment if he tries to contact you again. I hope you have supportive people around you OP, this man is awful and you don't deserve any of this 💐

He's persistent which is a worry.

A betrayal is always a 1000 times more painful when it’s done by someone you trust.

I’m sorry this happened to you. For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing by sending that message. I don’t think you’ll hear from him again. If you do tell him if he doesn’t leave you alone you’ll go to the police.

Awful thought, but if you've stayed at his before after a night out, then maybe this wasn't the first time this happened, just the first time you have woken up to it/similar happening.

This behaviour from 'trusted male friends' isn't that unusual- plenty of stories on this thread and others. I think it is a sort of grooming process where they manipulate us into getting what they want one way or another under the guise of friendship.

You've done the right thing calling him out on his behaviour and blocking. Hope you're doing okay today, it will take a lot of processing and going back through your friendship. Glad you have a counsellor to unpick this.

OP I hadn't realised you weren't in the UK.

Make sure you have at least one friend who knows the situation. And look into how harassment is dealt with in Australia. I suspect there will be similar options to the UK.

That post is concerning. Not to try and scare you but it strikes me that this guy may have an unhealthy obsession with you.

Treat accordingly and with caution. Thats a red flag I don't like the look of and I feel it shows a potential risk of escalation.

If he contacts you again he's a fool because that adds harassment to SA. He'd hoped you'd let him get away with the assault and go on as before, your message tells him that isn't happening. Hopefully he'll have the sense to leave you alone

Bloody well done!

You are now at a point where you have made it very clear you do not want further contact with him.

After this, if he does try to in anyway, you don't respond to him - he's looking for your attention.

If he contacts you again, you treat it as harassment. There are two options for you to go down in this situation (this is via citizens advice):

Reporting harassment to the police
You can report harassment to the police. They can charge someone with criminal harassment if:

the person has harassed you more than once

the harassment made you feel distressed or alarmed

If the police decide to charge someone, they’ll send the case to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS). The CPS is an organisation that can take people to court - this is called ‘prosecution’. If the CPS decide not to prosecute the person who harassed you, they must let you know.

You can report harassment to the police on their website.

Taking someone to court for harassment
You can take someone to civil court if:

they’ve harassed you more than once - this includes stalking

the harassment made you feel distressed or alarmed

The court can order the person harassing you to stay away from you - this is called getting an ‘injunction’. The court can also award you compensation.

If the person keeps harassing you after you get an injunction, they’ve broken the law - this means they could go to prison.

You can go to civil court even if:

you haven’t reported it to the police

you reported it to the police, but the the CPS decided not to prosecute the person who harassed you

the CPS prosecuted the person who harassed you and the court decided they weren’t guilty

If you’re thinking of applying to court, you should get legal advice.

If you go to the police you DON'T have to push for him to be done for sexual assault. It'd be difficult for you to prove anyway and they will probably acknowledge that.

The action of repeatedly trying to contact you against your wishes is enough of a problem altogether and much easier to prove.

For this reason I recommend you keep the note as potential evidence.

If you go down the civil route this then would make it easier for the police to act if he tries to contact you again.

In reality knowing both of these routes is useful because you can use them in combination.

The point is, you have now made it absolutely clear beyond any doubt that you do not want further contact.

Well done op! To me, his note reads as a message you might send someone you had a consenting but I'll-advised drunken fumble with. It also reads to me as a 'this was headed to a relationship and our fumble might have scared you off'. He is trying to convince himself he didn't do what he did. You have corrected him.
If he contacts again I would unblock, repeat your last message and add that you will be contacting the police if you ever hear from him again.

I agree that if he contacts you now you should contact the police.

In a way I wish you hadn't blocked him because I would've liked to have seen his reply to that. He didn't have a leg to stand on. It was a very good clear message and well done for sending it.

He knows what he did, he was trying to minimise it and gaslight you into doubting yourself and thinking it wasn’t anything bad, a misunderstanding or something

you know the truth, you know HE knows what he did, he was hoping you didn’t

he sent flowers right? Was that his handwriting or did he actually dictate that to the florist? If so, he’s ice fucking cold.

if this bloke has any sense, he’ll drop it, he’ll never contact you again.

but if he does, don’t blink, contact the police and tell them that you’ve told him to leave you alone (and why) and he’s not listening.

its up to them if they pursue charges.

for now, breathe. You’ve done the right thing, you’ve been clear and factual and you’re incredibly brave.

we’re all here for you

This situation and anything he does after violating your trust is unequivocally on him OP x

Good message @lookingforadvice26 , short and clear, no chance of misunderstanding. I know you're worried but whatever he does next is not your fault, he's in the wrong and women shouldn't have to let men get away with bad behaviour to protect the man. Men always try to play down SA, you've let other men do it so it can't be that bad but he's had a profound and horrible effect on you. Stay strong Op and don't be afraud ti speak out