What do I do now? SA by friend

hope you’re ok OP

@lookingforadvice26 I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not responsible for his mental health. Please don't use that as a reason not to report.

Ultimately it is your choice. There are two reasons why I wonder if reporting may be possible. Firstly, so he stays away and secondly because if he would do it to you, he would do it to others. Going to the police lays some ground work in that regard...

It is your choice but don't not go for him, if you don't go to the police make that be for you.

I would highly recommend specialist counselling through a SA charity.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I have come back again not to pressure you into reporting him but to speak to a counsellor about this man and your relationship with him. Your feelings will already be conflicted and you don’t owe anyone (even possible future victims) anything. You do owe yourself the chance to process and heal - that will include unpicking your relationship with this guy in the first place. Did you ignore red flags? Were they subtle? Etc…. Some of us are lucky and learn from this one experience and some don’t have a family history where their judgment would have been listened to, so don’t grow up learning to speak up or trust themselves. I really hope you make the right choices for yourself.

He's a creepy little bastard Op, he thought your friend would help him but obviously thought better of it, maybe he thought it was too outing. I'd be speaking to the police about a Claire's Law request, it seems more and more likely he's done this before.

I've nothing helpful to add but what an absolutely abhorrent thing to have happened! I'm so shocked that a 'friend' could feel that they could do this...wtf was he thinking? It's beyond fucking awful. 😲

So he sexually assaulted you (eventually as he'd probably been planning how to get you in a vulnerable situation for ages), he then tried to minimise it by texting you, then tried a sickening attempt to apologise with a bunch of flowers?!?! And is now trying to sort babysitters for your kids for a holiday he clearly believes you'd still go on? I mean, the guy is deranged isn't he?

You've said you don't think he'd be violent etc towards you but you probably never thought he'd sexually assault you either. Sadly, even after a 10 year friendship, you don't know him as well as you think you do.

Your response via your friend needs to be carried through if he continues to attempt to contact you. He may become a stalker OP so I'd definitely speak to the police sooner rather than later.

Could you ask your friend to read it and tell you if there's anything concerning/threatening in it, without giving details? It's best she hangs on to the message in case things escalate.

Op is there any chance he's been drugging you when you've stayed at his before and it just didn't work this time? (I think you said you'd stayed there before) Just wondering this could have happened before, after reading the horrifying stories of that guy in Manchester preying on students...
Sorry,I don't want to add to your anxiety over the whole thing but it coming out of the blue and his reaction to getting caught is freaking me out, like he didn't expect you to have woken up and caught him.

I had an ex that behaved like this. In the end I reported it and was ultimately prosecuted for stalking and harassment. Men like this don't do 'NO'. They don't take responsibility and they don't stop unless they are forced. Please consider going to the police.

Agreed with this.

You've made it clear you don't want contact.

He's trying to ignore that now. He's, once again, not respecting you or your wishes.

Your friend is a good friend. They now also know how firm you have been in your request.

Indirect contact ALSO constitutes harassment - please make sure you are fully aware of this.

That update is yet another red flag. Take note. If it happens again its definitely time for the police. You've said this very clearly. Now if he does it again YOU MUST follow through. Look into the civil route too.

You should report it to the police. If nothing happens it is at least logged if he does anything like this again. I hope you're ok, and plenty support around you ❤️

Oh OP, you poor pet.
I am so sorry.
I don't for a minute believe that this is the first time he has behaved like this.
He is so premeditated and calculated.
Pushing back hard with his manipulations because you are not falling in to line.
He is absolute scum.
I too think contacting the police would be wise.

Nothing new to add to this other than I’m sorry this happened to you and others are correct.

the flowers the fb post about babysitters and the message to your friends are all massive red flags that this guys has an unhealthy obsession.

You really should contact the police now. He is not going to go quietly and could be dangerous. The sooner you are on the radar / in the system with the police the better.

Absolutely be prepared for this. He sounds like a manipulative bastard. He definitely has his excuses and his script ready

Asking for help is just him attempting to get "his side" across to your friends. He thinks he can get them to reason with you on his behalf. He's trying to minimise as other pps have said.

He was probably hoping to use the MH excuse to your friend too, to emphasise that he is the real victim and the impact your cut off has had on him. Crocodile tears.
He has "no idea what happened", he thinks you are "over-reacting," he's "so unhappy," you were both "happily planning a holiday in Australia", he's "spent xyz already and was trying to organise babysitting because he's such a good guy when this bombshell hit," "please help me to get her to see this is all just a big misunderstanding," "poor poor me Boo Double Hoo." or similar.

It's good that your friend has your back..she is obviously wise to him, and your reply on what to say was very well expressed. Dont let any of this make you doubt yourself OP.

Absolutely this

he’s playing it down massively, which is concerning

Does this friend know what happened?

Also, enlisting others instead of you in a cry for “help” is to make you feel less inclined to report him, obviously. *You won’t want the weight of your friends “blaming you” for “making him do this to himself.”
Calculating Bastard.

Also please don’t believe any suicide threats or even “attempts” are genuine or signs of remorse. They are simply acting. And post-dated attempts to create a MH excuse for psychopathic behaviour. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Just like with cheating husbands, there’s a predictable script for this shit too. You are not responsible for this. He is responsible for ALL of his choices he is trying to make sure that he remains unaccountable.

So scary OP. Its up to you but if you were my friend I'd be hoping you contact the police now.

How he feels is not your responsibility. His feelings and his actions are his. Please don't feel some moral obligation to protect HIS mental health. Your mental health, what YOU can cope with are that you should be focusing on. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I’m so glad you have your friends @lookingforadvice26

they really have got your back.

i think you do really need to process the thoughts that you may very well need to go to the police.

prepare yourself for this now just in case. You’ve told him not to contact you. He’s been told not to contact you directly or indirectly or you’ll contact the police.

one more incident and that is precisely what you will have to do.

im sorry for all this, you really don’t need this in your life atm.

You won't know because he'll be blocked

And you'll have had your 'say' so he's very clear about what he's done

Cross post

Report him

He's being purposefully delusional about what he's done and minimising the seriousness of it