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AIBU?

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DH won’t pay into children’s savings accounts

287 replies

CocoMaroon · 06/10/2024 14:51

DH and I have separate bank accounts, I work part time on a low wage and DH is a much higher earner (£47k) When our children were born I opened savings accounts for them and make sure I put in any left over birthday money, Christmas money etc and I pay in an amount each month out of my own account.

Since they were born I have asked my husband to set up a standing order from his account (alongside mine) and he’s not bothered. Our oldest is now 13 and when I think of how much more could be in his account if DH had been paying money in.

He says he never gets around to it, never has the chance, I’ve begged him, nagged him, walked him to their bank so he could set it up, he took the details promising he would do it that evening. That was a year ago 😡

My parents have recently set up an account for our children and were telling us about it yesterday- I said to DH that I wished he would pay something into their accounts. He walked up to me later and whispered in my ear “do not embarrass me like that again”

AIBU??

OP posts:
Monday55 · 06/10/2024 15:45

OP does your DH give you money if you ask for it? You could ask for £60 each month and just put it in the kids savings account yourself. Or get him to do a standing to you instead if he doesn't want to do the kids savings admin.

IVFmumoftwo · 06/10/2024 15:44

Chowtime · 06/10/2024 15:40

Agree with Pp 47k is a very small amount to support two adults and 2 children mortgage/cars/phones/utilities/council tax etc etc.

How much do you contribute?

Families manage on a lot less.

ZiriForGood · 06/10/2024 15:41

Thread is bonkers.

You are married and working part time to take care of your shared child. You should be able to discuss money together, especially if he has more left after the basic bills than you do.

It doesn't have to lead to this specific kind of savings, but wishing to have a discussion and a shared plan to some extent isn't too much in a marriage

IVFmumoftwo · 06/10/2024 15:41

WiserOlderElf · 06/10/2024 15:37

In that case do you think the DH should tell his kids that he pays the majority of the bills?

Maybe yes.

CocoMaroon · 06/10/2024 15:41

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 15:37

You were out of order to raise this in front of your parents.

47k is not a lot of money to support a family.

Maybe next time his parents are over he could tell you, in front of them, that he wishes you contributed more financially to the running of the household. Would you be ok with that?

I would happily contribute more financially if he could come up with a solution for someone to be there every morning to see our children off to school, pick them up and be there every weekend etc.

OP posts:
Saracen · 06/10/2024 15:40

Total tangent to the main discussion: do you anticipate that your disabled child will be unable to work full-time, or will need to remain in non-advanced education longer than usual, and therefore might rely on government help after they are 18?

If so, you might consider putting the money which is being saved for your children into an account which is not in their name, and suggesting your parents do likewise. Once the kids reach 18, money they have in their own name could prevent them from claiming means-tested benefits such as Universal Credit. In addition, as another poster mentioned, there's a risk they will squander the money once they are able to access it.

Chowtime · 06/10/2024 15:40

Agree with Pp 47k is a very small amount to support two adults and 2 children mortgage/cars/phones/utilities/council tax etc etc.

How much do you contribute?

WellWoman · 06/10/2024 15:39

I am amazed at how many people in this thread are having a go at you, OP. For the person who said he might be looking for some financial autonomy, please note the OP says they have separate current accounts.
He has said he would pay into savings accounts for the children, but hasn't done so. If he thinks having the accounts is the wrong strategy for supporting his DC when they face a number of costs as young adults then he should say so, and explain this.

OP, I think you deserve a bit of sympathy, it's not very fair of your DH to commit to do this and then just not bother.

SauviGone · 06/10/2024 15:37

You were out of order to raise this in front of your parents.

47k is not a lot of money to support a family.

Maybe next time his parents are over he could tell you, in front of them, that he wishes you contributed more financially to the running of the household. Would you be ok with that?

WiserOlderElf · 06/10/2024 15:37

IVFmumoftwo · 06/10/2024 15:36

I think any disagreement you have between you both should be kept private and not aired in public. He obviously isn't going to do it so best not mention it again except say to your kids it was you that saved it.

Edited

In that case do you think the DH should tell his kids that he pays the majority of the bills?

CocoMaroon · 06/10/2024 15:37

Vettrianofan · 06/10/2024 15:34

Why not just pay double the amount from your own account into each of the children's savings accounts?

Yes I think that’s what I’m going to have to do.

OP posts:
IVFmumoftwo · 06/10/2024 15:36

I think any disagreement you have between you both should be kept private and not aired in public. He obviously isn't going to do it so best not mention it again except say to your kids it was you that saved it.

Respectisnotoptional · 06/10/2024 15:35

I’m with you OP, a small amount of money each month definitely builds up, has he got a valid reason for not doing it.
Is it not better have a joint account, not my money their money, I can never understand why when you’re a partnership the money isn’t pooled together, it saves all this arguing.

Vettrianofan · 06/10/2024 15:34

Why not just pay double the amount from your own account into each of the children's savings accounts?

WiserOlderElf · 06/10/2024 15:32

Bignanna · 06/10/2024 15:31

She’s not insisting everyone gives her kids money, just her husband, which is entirely reasonable!

He’s already giving them money though, just not in the way the OP wants. He’s paying for the roof over their heads, bills, food and general expenses.

coffeesaveslives · 06/10/2024 15:32

Bignanna · 06/10/2024 15:31

She’s not insisting everyone gives her kids money, just her husband, which is entirely reasonable!

Her husband is already doing the majority of the day-to-day spending on the children. He shouldn't be doing all of it.

Viviennemary · 06/10/2024 15:31

CocoMaroon · 06/10/2024 14:55

Yeah he does pay for the majority of stuff although I do pay for a fair bit too out of my wages. Overall he does pay for a lot more.

If he pays a lot of the household expenses why should he pay into savings account. Get a higher paid job yourself and contribute more to the savings.

Bignanna · 06/10/2024 15:31

NotForMeCheers · 06/10/2024 14:57

Exactly

The OP can always work full time if she's insistent everyone gives money to her kids.

She’s not insisting everyone gives her kids money, just her husband, which is entirely reasonable!

WiserOlderElf · 06/10/2024 15:31

Underthere · 06/10/2024 15:29

If that's the case, he could have a conversation about it, though, rather than refuse to discuss the issue.

Yes I agree that he should just tell the OP that he won’t be doing it, rather than saying he will and then not doing it.

Underthere · 06/10/2024 15:29

olympicsrock · 06/10/2024 14:56

YABU - perhaps DH wants to have flexible access to your family money? Perhaps there is none spare?

He is allowed to feel differently than you on this. For what it’s worth , DH set up
pensions with £500 each for our kids a couple of years ago. I was against it as in my view we didn’t really have that money spare and it wasn’t the priority in my view.

So rude of you to make him look tight in front of your parents .

If that's the case, he could have a conversation about it, though, rather than refuse to discuss the issue.

coffeesaveslives · 06/10/2024 15:29

Ivehearditbothways · 06/10/2024 15:27

But he clearly does think parents should because he is embarrassed that people know he doesn’t. If he didn’t believe parents should save for their kids then he wouldn’t be embarrassed, he would just have his point of view and let others have theirs.

Or maybe he's angry because his wife is trying to make him feel guilty in front of her parents?

I'd be furious if DH tried to make me feel guilty about our finances in front of his parents. Luckily he wouldn't ever behave like that, though.

Quitelikeit · 06/10/2024 15:28

Whichever angle you look at this from he does not want to pay in to their savings!!

Accept that and you will be fine

He clearly spends the majority of his salary on his family so allow him some financial autonomy?

LivelyMintViper · 06/10/2024 15:28

He wouldn't be embarrassed unless he thought his attitude was mean. Solution obvious

WiserOlderElf · 06/10/2024 15:28

Ivehearditbothways · 06/10/2024 15:27

But he clearly does think parents should because he is embarrassed that people know he doesn’t. If he didn’t believe parents should save for their kids then he wouldn’t be embarrassed, he would just have his point of view and let others have theirs.

He’s probably just annoyed that the OP was trying to shame him in front of his/her parents.

Ivehearditbothways · 06/10/2024 15:27

Redglitter · 06/10/2024 15:24

Exactly this.

He doesn't want to for whatever reason & that's his choice. You constantly bringing it up isn't helping.

Best thing is just drop it & accept you have different priorities. Neither of you is wrong just different

But he clearly does think parents should because he is embarrassed that people know he doesn’t. If he didn’t believe parents should save for their kids then he wouldn’t be embarrassed, he would just have his point of view and let others have theirs.

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