I have been married for 10 years and we have been together for 15 in total. The last few years of my marriage have been very difficult and I think it is time to end things but a small part of me is worried I am not being fair. I am not comfortable sharing the full details of the situation with anyone in my life, hence this post.
I come from a family that is relatively financially secure; my parents own our family home and a few other properties, run relatively successful businesses. He comes from a family that is less financially secure and grew up in social housing. This has never mattered to me and I have never actually thought much about it until recent events.
We met as young, inspired and ambitious 20-something year olds, dated for a few years then got married. After a few more years we had DS. This is when the cracks began to show. Though we had always split all the bills, I found myself paying for the bulk of the baby related items, while also being on maternity leave, while also doing the lion's share of the domestic work and child care. I let it go because I made more money and had managed to put aside a healthy savings. In retrospect perhapse letting it go was one of my first mistakes because I wasn't actually comfortable with it. I felt he should and could contribute more financially but I didnt want to make money a thing (how ironic). At this point we were living in one of my family's properties so that we could save and buy a house together.
I returned to work and DS went to nursery, the cost of which we split evenly. At this point my husband was working full time and running a small business on the side which wasn't bringing in much but was his passion. A year later he decided to return to school to pursue a postgraduate degree. I didn't think the timing was right as DS was still in nursery but DH insisted and said it will be better in the long run as it will allow him to get a better paying job and that he would pay for it. He pursued his MA, but of course the implications were more than financial as he spent evenings away at school and most weekends studying. This was the beginning of me doing all weekend family activities alone with DS and this still hasn't changed much to date (DS is now 7). As DH was paying for school, he was often short on bills and I had to cover it. When he eventually completed his degree, DS was in school so financially, we were in a much better place. He began looking for a better job but after a couple months of rejections, he became disheartened, went back to his old job and chose to focus on his business. I insisted he should persist as his job paid very little but he decided to just put his all into his business and as his job was easy, he can get it done quickly and focus on the business. To date, that business is still operating at a loss.
I admit this has all led to resentment on my side as I continue to carry the financial burden as well as the domestic one (He does not cook and only cleans occasionally). Now, after 8 years of living in my parent's property we have since had a second child who is soon turning 3 and I am eager to move out and buy a house. I would like to move out of the city to a nicer house where the kids have more space to play. I recently asked DS how much he has in savings for the house, (we have separate accounts) and he has said £1000. I nearly had a heart attack. When I asked where all the money went he said he invested it in his business. The same business that has never made £1 in profit. Without telling me.
I am speachless. I feel betrayed and taken advantage of.
I have managed to save a significant deposit for the house and I want to divorce him, buy a home by myself and start a new life, but am I being unfair? Should I consider that he maybe doesn't have the same financial values I have been brought up with? But I have taught him everything I know. I have worked my way up the career ladder and make double what he does, but he has had every opportunity to make as much and even more but chooses his passion. I admire him for having passion, but resent him for being so selfish. But, perhaps most importantly, am I being unreasonable for blowing my kids lives up, and over money? Am I the one now being selfish because I want to be more equally yoked, when I was fine with the difference in the beginning? Or is this less about the money and more about the betrayal?
AIBU? What would you do?