Feeling poor when everyone you know is much better off

I do understand what you mean. I sometimes compare myself and my DH unfavorably with his brother and his partner.

But that is when I am comparing financial aspects.Yes he earns a stack load more than DH, they are always going on holiday or going out for meals.

Then I look at the substance of our lives, and actually I think we are in a stronger position.

DH is my second husband, so I am not looking down my nose at divorce, but BIL is currently on his third wife (who seems to be a clone of the first two, so that doesn't bode well). He might earn a stack load more, but currently lives in a ridiculous house, far larger than he needs and will be paying a mortgage till he is 70+. It's on a flood plain and he can't sell it - but poo-pooed us when we cautioned him against buying it in the first place.

His son is struggling with MH issues - messy divorces and not seemingly being wanted by either parent have played a big part. He chucks money at his son but not nurture. For example, son started at a new college in September and was anxious. BIL booked a holiday for himself and wife THAT WEEK and seemed think DS would be fine on his own, despite knowing his DS was anxious about college.

I would rather be me, and happy in my skin, and know I have tried to be a good mum to my DS and that DH and I are kind and loving to each other and the marriage is good and happy.

Who you compare yourself with is a massive factor in this (as you acknowledge). It’s one of those things that as you move into the nicer road, send your kids to a certain school, travel first class etc you are surrounding yourself with people at a certain level. You may just be ‘entry level’ they may have been on this path for years (or since birth).
If all you compare yourself with are wealthy professionals, by dint of being surrounded by them you’re already in a strong position. You just need to see it from a different viewpoint. Try a sport or activity or volunteer with a different demographic - you’ll get a broader perspective.

I’m married and DH and I have paid off the mortgage and can afford a foreign holiday every year - but we have seen quite a few of our friends inherit large sums from DGP or even great aunts etc - think £100, 200 k. There is no way we will ever have that - all our DHPs lived in council houses or rented privately or in one case left the small house to MIL 30 years ago and it went towards their business and has long gone.

But that’s just the way things go - and when we couldn’t afford to go abroad and our holiday was renting a colleague’s caravan for mates’ rates £20 a night we still knew other people who had no holiday at all.

@DiaAssolellat actually I disagree. Our thoughts and feelings are anything but simple.

If you have your health and people who love you and have your back then you have everything.

Absolutely spot on.

I'm younger than you but can relate to what you're saying.

The credit crunch set my career (and hence savings) back by several years and there was certainly a point where I found it difficult that peers were buying property and I wasn't. I stopped watching house programs at the time as I realised they were making me unhappy in the same way beauty magazines make people feel ugly.

Your op mentions the potential for seeking therapy. If you can access this through your workplace then I think you might find it useful to help you explore why you feel this way.

It’s only natural but I think the most important thing is to be your own best friend not your harshest critic. See the good in things. All the judgment is coming from you…:people worth knowing won’t judge you for any of that stuff.

Going to the Buddhist centre and moving on to a council estate (not for that purpose alone) helped me.
I do have a disability and can't work tho and it has helped me find my people.

Wake up before sunrise tommorow and watch it.
Be thankful you have seen it with out worries about health, job and roof over your head.

Learn to appreciate non material things.
Time flies quickly.Time is precious don't spend it being envious of others.

I get you OP, DH and I were comfortable before the Global Financial Crisis, I was in a professional job and DH part owned a company. We lost a lot of money by the GFC, notably by the devaluation of shares. I was also laid off, and then had to take a job with a lower salary because beggers cant be choosers. We had holidays, could afford hobbies / activities, treats out for DD etc. Nothing to extravegant though.

Just as we were getting on our feet financially, DH died suddenly when DD was 13. For all her teens, I lived pay day to pay day as a lone parent and relied on tax credits. I had enough to pay the bills, but never any left over for fancy holidays or meals out. I stayed in said job because it was secure and flexible, then I was late 50s when DD left home and I had no confidence to get a new job.

My two brothers live extremely comfortable lives for many years, but they are very generous people and I know how lucky I am. They live in holiday destinations, and always invited DD and I to stay, without them we would never have a holiday, one even offered to pay for DH funeral. I also watched a very close friend flaunt her wealth, and it drove me up the wall, especially when her daughters would 'show off' to DD.

Some of the happiest, most content and most fulfilled people I know do not have loads of money.

That was an eye opener for me when I realised that.

The people who I see as really winning at life are the people with close family and friends, and the time to spend with them.

Thats what I am aiming for.

Actually it is simple. You choose to feel sorry for yourself because you equate “success” with social status and how much your house is worth. Have you travelled much in your life? Have you met people outside “the people you interact with on a daily basis”?

That time you had with your DC is priceless, you are bestowed with wealth! Xx

Can’t you apply for a new role now your kids are older?

Do you think it’s more that your exh has more or is it a general thing?

Just to add in the past year Ive had 2 friends (well people who were friends when our children were young) who have had 1 of their children die by suicide, both of these children were friends of my children. This has brought some of the practising gratitude in to sharp focus, but I still have my moments.

I could have written your post op except I'm slightly older than you. My closest friends who I see most often are wealthy as in holiday homes and buying property for their children. My ex lives in the middle east now and is very wealthy too. I am a professional middle income earner who has had 2 children to raise alone for the past 11 years. With the cost of living things are definitely getting harder, my adult children are at Uni/struggling to launch and I get no help from my ex with this.
I try really hard to focus on what I do have, which is more than others I know, some days I do better than others. I wish I had the answer for you but you are not alone.

i’m the same, i have a good salary but been a single parent for years and lived in the south east. I try and be thankful for what I do have, 3 healthy successful kids, a lot of friends and a good social life. I’m someone people come to for advice. Also what I have achieved has been as a result of my own hard work and no-one else’s. I try and remember that a person’s worth isnt tied up in what they own, and how much wealth they have, but who they are. If i died tomorrow i know my social media would be full of people saying i gave my time to help them, that i was a good friend, a great listener, loyal and someone who put other’s first. No-one would say she didn’t own her own home or earn over 100k. It can be hard to remember that sometimes.

Comparison is the thief
of joy.
You have your health, a job, a roof over your head.
Look at the poor people in war and that will make you grateful.

Oh and the same applies to your home. Big home=loads of cleaning and maintenance. Big garden=work. Posh car=expensive repairs.

Another take for you: you are 50 and your parents are alive. I assume that your child/ren also love you. These things are worth a lot more than extra money. Also you do have a professional job which is great.

A lot of shit that is for sale these days isn't necessary at all. It doesn't make people happy. Their houses are cluttered with useless stuff that's killing the planet. You do not know what goes on in other people's homes also - even nice seeming people can be very grumpy and controlling.

Try not to compare your financial situation to others. Morbidly and bluntly, if your parents own a home and die, you are in for an inheritance which would presumably help you a lot?

I think try to reframe things. What you see of other people IRL and on social media is often very different from what is going on. I know someone who is very rich (millionaire). Her DH won't let her even get a coffee. I guess that's how he got rich.

I get exactly what you mean, but really you just have to step back from commercial desires. The more you have, often the more you want - even those people you are comparing yourself to. I don't think anyone is ever truly satisfied with what they have.

I know it's trite, and its horrible go feel at the bottom of the pile, but you really do need to try and be grateful for what you have.

I guess it's easy if you dont want all that, but actually I would love a bigger house/house with a garden/old cottage with lovely stone windows, and yes i would love to be able to afford to go on somewhat more luxurious holidays and not have to wash up on holiday and/or stay in very tourist locations etc.
I totally get where you are coming from OP.

I also hate the 'they've worked hard for their money' - I've worked bloody hard and made many sacrifices, and am in a highly qualified professional role - just not one that is compensated by large salaries like law/finance etc.

It's ok to admit to feeling some envy when you have friends who between inheritances and choosing particular fields of employment end up with the mega bucks.