Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect more? Or am I being totally unfair here?

33 replies

Expectmoore · 06/10/2024 12:24

Someone close to me has called me out on my arrangements with my ex. I asked for their opinion but being honest I expected them to take my side, I think. They haven’t.

Basically, I am a single parent to dd (2). Ex did some bad things in the past, basically left me to it for first six months of DD’s life. It was a dark time and I don’t know if my residual anger from that time is affecting my views now.

Ex has agreed to pay all dd’s nursery fees and 400 on top per month. He sees dd usually every weekend from sat morning to bedtime Sunday. If I want to do something with dd in this time then I do and he fits around it.

I feel resentful that I have to do every nursery run, every organisation for nursery, every weekday breakfast and bedtime etc. I feel I’m constantly juggling work and dd but in contrast ex is having work all week to focus on then dd on his days off at weekends. There is no way around this as he lives very far away and the arrangement cannot change. He literally can’t do a nursery run even if he was closer as he starts work at 7am and finishes at 8pm. Practically there is no way round any of it but I am regularly feeling bitter and hard done by because I am doing it alone all week and feel like that’s unusual, even with separated parents it’s usually half and half. This person close to me has really lost their cool and said I need to be appreciative of what I have… money and time. Am I being a dick for not seeing this that way? Does anyone understand why I feel frustrations and like it’s not very fair? Or maybe I have become warped in my expectations. I really don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
Expectmoore · 06/10/2024 12:33

SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/10/2024 12:31

I don’t think that 50/50 is that common OP 💐

I think that your routine is very unfair on you though. When do you chill with dd or take her to see your side of the family ?

How many hours does she travel every weekend ? When she’s old enough to be invited to parties or do weekend sports, what will the plan be ? Does ex never go out with friends or want to date ?

@SonicTheHodgeheg well he travels to see her and stays in a bed and breakfast (too far to go back and forth in one day). So it means she isn’t travelling and can just enjoy her weekend.

I see my family once a week on a Tuesday as they are local.

i just feel like I do so much. I know I get the weekends. Maybe that’s just parenting, I don’t know.

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/10/2024 12:33

My ex is like yours and pays me more CM than CMS but clearly thinks that the extra absolves him of actually doing stuff. It has annoyed me sometimes over the year but the end result is that our adult kids can see that their dad thinks that he can pay his way out of parenting so have very little to do with him.

MoneyAndPercentages · 06/10/2024 12:31

I think your feelings are very valid.

Of course others are in worse positions (DS father has never been on the scene and I've done 100% of time/money forever!) but ultimately, it does suck for you. You don't have the option of doing 50/50, and men generally get away scot free picking how much they want to be involved and women pick up the slack!

Not much advice, but wanted to say something nice before the 'you get way more than I get, therefore YABU' comments come along 💐

Expectmoore · 06/10/2024 12:31

Maddy70 · 06/10/2024 12:30

You've said it yourself there is no other solution. What else is he supposed to do?

@Maddy70 it’s not so much a solution, I just think it’s reasonable I feel this way?

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/10/2024 12:31

I don’t think that 50/50 is that common OP 💐

I think that your routine is very unfair on you though. When do you chill with dd or take her to see your side of the family ?

How many hours does she travel every weekend ? When she’s old enough to be invited to parties or do weekend sports, what will the plan be ? Does ex never go out with friends or want to date ?

BrimfulofSasha · 06/10/2024 12:30

50 50 is actually really unusual even with both parents living in the same house. Most family situations one parent does all the school runs. The reality is having young children and a full time job is just exhausting. He sounds like he has very little down time, whereas you have every weekend that you want. He also sounds like he does more than would be expected financially.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 06/10/2024 12:30

It's frustrating having to deal with the mental load all the time and be the one with the routine.

You do have it 'better' than a lot of single parents, in that he's paying significantly more than the legal minimum and takes every weekend. That still doesn't mean its good though, its just good by the usual separated dad standard (the bare minimum or less).

I would just avoid asking opinions in future tbh.

Maddy70 · 06/10/2024 12:30

You've said it yourself there is no other solution. What else is he supposed to do?

Swipe left for the next trending thread