To expect more? Or am I being totally unfair here?

You are completely, utterly and totally reasonable in every way and anyone who tells you otherwise is just wrong. I don't think there's a practical solution though - sorry.

You are a separated family so it will be different to a family that lives together. I also think the idea that most people are sharing the load equally is false. In any event he can't do more as you live far apart. Sounds like this is a fairly good arrangement in that you can have a breakat the weekend. It isn't perfect but it is a lot better than many single parents have.

How are you benefitting from feeling resentful and bitter? Maybe you need to let go of that

“even with separated parents it’s usually half and half”

No it isn’t! When I separated, my ex simply walked away from all responsibilities; he ran rings round CMS and never paid anything, and I just had to get on with it - and I know I’m far from alone. Your ex seems very reasonable, in that he pays you a reasonable amount and lets you sort out weekends as you want. Any mother of young children feels tied down, but it will get easier. I’m with your friend - be thankful for what you have!

Just to clarify

• Ex has DD every weekend
• You have DD throughout the week & work while she's in nursery

When do you get down time with DD? When do you get to do fun stuff with her? When does DD get to see your family?

It's every other weekend so both parents get to enjoy being with their child(ren)
I'd renegotiate in your shoes

Are you working full time? It’s hard if your time with DD is only evenings when you’re both tired & juggling tea & bedtime.

Realistically it’s only going to change if ex wants it to. Is there any option for him doing a shorter day on Friday & picking DD up from nursery? He could then drop her back Sunday morning.

Does he really work 7am to 8pm? Or is that including commuting time, because that’s very long hours if he works 5 days a week. Is he being honest with you?

It’s also just parenting and it’s tough. At one point I had to decant 4 to two different schools and one nursery. Youngest had to do all school run as he started later and was car sick every morning, it was a mare of a morning every day for two years, sooo stressful for him and me but I couldn’t change it so had to double down. The schools and nursery were 12 miles apart. I’m wishing you strength and flexibility. It gets easier as they age and all in school. Chin up girl!

Who moved away, OP?

I agree with previous posters saying that even if you were together, due to his working hours you would be doing the same during the week and wouldn’t have the free weekends. And you would need to keep his working hours as you need the financial contribution.

You need to get away from this idea that having more time with your daughter is unfair. Treasure it.

Even if you were together though he works 13 hour days so realistically you'd still be doing all that stuff. You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do however your friend isn't unreasonable to have said that either.
Who moved away, was it you or him?

You are not being unreasonable feeling the way you do but I also think your family member is entitled to feel the way they do too.

Me and DH are still together after 3 kids and you get a lot more free time than we have ever had - just because we are together doesnt mean that we have a strict 50/50 in terms of parenting as we both have full time jobs and have to juggle working, DC nursery/school runs, extra curricular activities etc. It means we are both full on all week and we dont get any break at weekends either. No grandparents to have any of the kids so we never get a break at all - ever.

Youngest DC is 6 and has never spent a night away from home (no one to have them) and it will likely be this way until they go to friends for a sleepover or go away on a school trip.

Its not a race to the bottom, but what else realistically can your ex do? And you do get a lot of free time

I found that when Dd briefly did 50:50 physical time with exh.

All the life admin for her still fell to me (except for those things she could organise herself - she was a young teen at that point). If she had a worry or emotional issue she would just ring me, never talk to dad or get his help. So I was still doing all the main things you actually do for a teen (save cooking) but remotely, which was harder!

Was very glad when she chose to stop the 50:50.

I also have a younger DS (exh also his dad but the 50:50 was dd’s choice to try to make logistics with school stuff easier) who wasn’t doing the 50:50.

I found that when Dd briefly did 50:50 physical time with exh.

All the life admin for her still fell to me (except for those things she could organise herself - she was a young teen at that point). If she had a worry or emotional issue she would just ring me, never talk to dad or get his help. So I was still doing all the main things you actually do for a teen (save cooking) but remotely, which was harder!

Was very glad when she chose to stop the 50:50.

I also have a younger DS (exh also his dad but the 50:50 was dd’s choice to try to make logistics with school stuff easier) who wasn’t doing the 50:50.

Where does dd sleep on her weekends with exh? In the b n b or with you?

If you want more time with her at the weekends I don’t think it’s unreasonable to split weekends so he only comes up every other weekend.

But I’m not sure how he would have her during the week, unless in the longer term he changes jobs and move nearer?

Honestly, I think his upbringing plays a huge part. His mum was the original matriarch, she'd have made the mum in "Bread" look low key. She was a stay at hone parent, and did everything for the family and carried on with her grandkids. I suppose it is just what he sees is a Mum's role.

It's crap that you do all the daily grind and little opportunity for nice chilled stuff with her at the weekends

Your not unreasonable to feel tied down by the mental load of the nursery pick ups and the general life admin but ultimately parenting is like that and even in families together it often gets left to the mum to do all that.

Your friend is not unreasonable to say that what you have it’s loads better then lots of single mums, as in they don’t have the good financial help or the weekends off.

Parenting is hard, separated parenting even harder.

I would look at it that way then op. He pays more, you do more. I get a lot of CM plus SM. Essentially my ex works an entire day every week which goes on my pocket. 8 hours. So that covers 8 extra childcare hours me than him. In fact it would take me 16 hours to get to the same amount.

So are you working but getting your nursery fees 100% paid? That's a pretty good deal. I do think your ex having the whole weekend sucks but maybe as your child gets older that will change?

Your feelings are absolutely valid @Expectmoore but honestly your expectations are wildly unreasonable.

On paper ex and I have 50/50 custody. However, I do all the admin for dd, if hospital appointments for her chronic condition fall on existing days I am still the one who has to take leave and take her. If he has a work commitment clash with his days that cannot change he expects me to arrange childcare for him rather than call my parents and ask for help.

We live in neighbouring villages. About 4 miles apart. It is an 8 minute drive via low traffic county roads. So proximity does not make it better.

Frustrating is not even close to covering it.

How much is nursery plus £400 a month?

I'm going to hazard a guess he pays way more than half her monthly costs.

Which is right because you do way more than half her weekly childcare.

But it's also fair so your friend has a point. Do you think he gets frustrated he pays more than half?

He has the option to change his job. He could do a 4 day week or compressed hours 9 day fortnight. He could then collect on a Thursday and have her until Sunday evening or similar.

You could be be primary carer and you travel every weekend.

Which one of you moved away after the split ?