To feel quite so down about DC’s academics

Sounds like my dd. Now diagnosed with dyslexia and ASD.

Definitely get hearing and eyesight tested. I have no experience of ADHD or dyslexia so won't comment on those.

But, your DC is only 7. There's plenty of time for them to find their groove. Try not to worry.

Have a think about your ds’ strengths. My guess is that they lie in things that aren’t school subjects. My son is similar and achieved good enough GCSEs to study his true passion and is a different person now. It’s a subject that isn’t taught at school but needed school subjects like science as a foundation. Your son’s academic achievements aren’t a result of something you’ve done or not done (bad parenting ) but if you push too hard then you risk turning him off education and damaging his self esteem.

You are getting wound up by details that don’t matter. What is the point of producing perfect homework (by you) when the teacher knows that he struggles and wouldn’t produce the perfect work at school? If it’s too hard then you need to send it back to school and ask for suitable work. If it can be done with some modification to the task eg Instead of “Write 2 paragraphs about your weekend” you might submit 2 sentences about his weekend because that’s achievable and he will feel good about completing the task.

Spelling tests are something to let go of. Children of all abilities can learn to spell a word for the test but end up not using it in their day to day writing- especially if it’s not a word that they’d use when writing. It is part of SATS so pushed in schools but not a big deal really.

Being disappointed that your child isn’t like you is unfair- after all why wouldn’t you be equally disappointed that they aren’t sporty, musical… Life is easier if you’re good at something but education is a marathon and not a sprint so supporting the basics while broadening his interests is the best long term plan.

I’m a parent of much older kids and trust me , the kids who are top of the class now aren’t necessarily the ones who will be top in 10 years. Learning isn’t linear and it’s about resilience and keeping on going in the long term.

Dd was a year behind at this age, she’s gone on to get a first class degree and did actually pass her 11plus. She was diagnosed as dyslexic at 7yo, we paid for a private test. School said they didn’t think she was dyslexic. She’s since been diagnosed with adhd, she seemed to find her own coping mechanism for that. But potentially your ds might benefit from meds if he’s got it. I’d certainly look at private diagnosis if you can.

I absolutely get where you are coming from.

But: almost every child without serious additional needs can learn to read and write. It might take longer and they might need a different approach to the one they are getting at school but they can get there.

Would second looking for a private dyslexia test asap as early intervention helps there.

It sounds like your child has good social skills. It is much easier to get a child with dyslexia or ADHD to a functional literacy and numeracy level than it is for a bright child with zero social skills to master those.

Someone said encourage your child to do things they enjoy which you should but you do also need to make them do things they don't enjoy as much (like maths). As well as needing a specific approach to learning, they will also need resilience because things will be a bit harder for them throughout their school life and beyond if they do have dyslexic or ADHD etc. So think about ways to reward them for trying and persevering

7 is very young. My high achiever DD (all 9’s at GCSE) was certainly not excelling at that age. In one year she was in a group who needed extra support. She didn’t really bloom until year 10. Her elder brother was a high achiever too and when he did great in his GCSE no way did we believe DD would exceed his great achievement. I’d swap it all for some confidence and self worth. Academics aren’t everything

I 100% understand. I've always been academic and found it all very easy.
My children are really not academic and it's been quite difficult as I worry things are so much harder for them. It makes me sad.

Others have given really helpful suggestions but I just wanted to say my boy (now 12) was very like this at 7. He was way behind his classmates and I had no idea how to help him.
He’s had an ASD diagnosis since then but the supports they put in place weren’t really to help him academically. What did help was time and a bit of maturity. He’s now in his first year at a very academic grammar school and is absolutely thriving. He was just a late bloomer and needed time to catch up.

I have an older boy who was never academic at all and still isn’t but can take apart and put together a computer with his eyes closed and now creates video games in his spare time. His strengths are just different and he’s successful in his own way. Still can’t spell for shit and is likely going to finish school with the bare minimum in terms of GCSEs but I’ve no doubt he’s going to be successful in something to do with computers.

My son age 7 was struggling a bit last year and i despaired of him ever sitting down and writing a coherent sentence, even getting him to lift a pencil was a challenge. This school year everything has changed. He gets 9 or 10/10 in his maths and spelling tests every week. I don’t know whether it’s just that he’s matured or his brain is suddenly able to grasp concepts it hadn’t before, or i suspect his learning style and this years teacher’s teaching style are a great match. But yeah your daughter is still young and it’s possible a sea change is coming in the future.

Mine was similar at that age (diagnosed autism)
We gave up on homework and tried to incorporate maths and English into every day fun tasks
Eg we made a cardboard fort where she had to measure and cut pieces of card, had to count how many she needed of certain things etc. We did baking where she had to count and measure etc
English - we read books together on subjects she wanted. Improved her vocabulary loads! I would also get her to “help” me out by writing shopping or to do lists
She never got bored because she never realised she was learning
She will never be academic but has just passed 7 GCSEs and has gone on to do A levels, something I never thought would happen

I voted YANBU because you have picked yourself up on these feelings and you are obviously working hard to not let your DC be aware of them.

i think it’s difficult to accept initially that our DC are different from us, have different strengths and weaknesses, and will find different opportunities in life.

Does he enjoy being read to? Does he read by himself? I am such a strong believer in the power of books/ comic strips/ graphic novels to help children develop all kinds of skills.

Middle Grandson was like this.
Has ADHD.. Only one that went to school( other 3 ASD home educated)
He's just passed 9 GCSE's and just started A levels at college.
Get yours assessed and try not to worry.
Praise their great achievements.
Good luck.

Don't all parents hope their children will be clever, good at sports, musically talented, sociable, etc?

We do but logically how many adults even tick all these boxes? Very few!

Try thinking about a reverse situation. A parent who wishes her kid wasn't clever, didn't come top of the class, loved reading and homework and was jealous of parents who had 'normal' children because they wanted a child just like them.

It happens. I don't think you'd see that as reasonable, you'd think that kid was wonderful and want their parents to see just how amazing their child is.

It’s difficult as you expect your dc to be like you but then mine have great qualities that I don’t possess!

I remember struggling with things like spelling and maths around the same age. Language fixed itself mysteriously by the age of 10. I think, mostly because I was allowed to read for as long as I wanted past bedtime as long as I was in my room and in bed.
Timetable I never learned despite best efforts from teachers, parents and grandparents. But as soon as we started on geometry, I was flying. Clearly I have much better abstract thinking abilities than affinity for memorising things. I still don't know times table but I am actually quite good at mental arithmetic. I just worked out a way of doing quick calculations without.
I was not particularly gifted at anything else at that age either but completed an arts degree in my 30s and exhibited internationally. I now run a creative business.
I also completed clinical masters degree and quite enjoy academic research. There is definitely nothing wrong with my critical thinking skills.
What I am trying to say is that some children grow into it later. Don't despair. Scaffold their learning as part of daily life (counting change at supermarket, following a recipe and measuring ingredients, writing birthday cards and shopping lists). As long as you are able to make learning fun and natural, chances are, they will pick things up.

This ^
My DS the same (my 2 other kids top set everything), school said no signs of dyslexia but I knew something wasn’t right. Private dyslexia test showed moderate dyslexia. I never even thought about ADHD with my DS but now he’s a teen it’s so obvious.
But he is never going to be academic and that’s fine, he’s good at other things (but it did take me a while to be at peace with that).

Get all the tests done and try your best for him but at the end of the day there’s more to life than academia.

One of mine was ridiculously slow to read (whereas I was doing it before school) & spelling was tricky. A few yrs on & they are exceeding although writing is still a bit crap. Despite being very ahead at primary myself by the time I got to secondary I pretty much levelled out.

I think the main thing is that he doesn't feel your disappointment. It'll be hard if you were rewarded for intelligence and it helped form your identity.

I also agree that 7 is v young, and the best thing you can contribute for her is self confidence.

She might be a late bloomer.

Her talents might just lie elsewhere.

She could have some SEND such as dyslexia that the teachers haven’t flagged -‘it’s impossible for strangers on the internet to say! Just keep an open mind and keep discussing with teachers as appropriate is what I’d say

Others have provided good practical suggestions but just to say that you are not being unreasonable. Don't all parents hope their children will be clever, good at sports, musically talented, sociable, etc? Those are qualities that make life easier and more pleasant and which make it easy as a parent to feel pride in their achievements. I get flashes of jealousy when I see kids of DD's age who can do perfect backflips - don't beat yourself up for having human emotions.

7 is very, very young! Out of my 3 kids 2 are dyslexic and 2 autistic so they all have 1 or 2 diagnoses. The eldest two struggled for the whole of primary school, parents evening was depressing! My eldest children are now at secondary school top sets for everything and regularly getting in top 3 in class in tests. 3rd child is still young, struggling in primary but excellent at reading. I'm not so worried about him now as I know he has time. The best thing you can do for your child is build their self esteem and encourage them to do things they enjoy and thrive at. Also don't expect school to tell you whether they are dyslexic, my experience is that many teachers have a very limited idea of what dyslexia is! However I'd wait at least another year before potentially seeking diagnosis as 7 is so young. Give your child time and self belief!

I was thinking potentially ADHD, only because this sounds really similar to one of my friend’s children. For him it’s not that be can’t do it, because when you sit with him 121 he is capable of it (and assuming your son is similar as you say he can do the spellings when at home but then doesn’t perform the same at school), but it’s just that when he’s set a task to do himself and has to complete it himself, manage his time himself like in a lesson to get a piece of work done, he can’t perform that way. He finds it difficult to stay focused, stay on task, manage his time, he just wants the work done ASAP so he can be done with it and never checks it or wants to check it, he rushes through it and that means it’s not his best work. The mish-mash of words you mention also resonates with my friends son with ADHD, he struggled to retain information so when he has a thought he scribbles it out as quickly as he can but this means spelling/words do get jumbled up and done incorrectly. He also tends to rush things because he struggles staying interested, so he either doesn’t do the work as he’s thinking about other things or he rushes through it so that he can then think about/do other things.

There’s also the fact that he may genuinely feel he is trying his best and so if what he does is never good enough then he will start to think that if he gets the same feedback whether he spends 10 minutes or 1 hour on a piece of work, he may as well just spend the 10 mins.