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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 10/10/2024 11:58

My DH's ex effectively did this, moved them all to be nearer his family as her family live abroad, so she'd get support for looking after the kids and divorced him within a year of moving.

5128gap · 10/10/2024 11:57

The best option logistically is to say nothing and sell up and move together into rented on some pretext. Then leave from there and buy a house for you and DC with your share of the proceeds from your house. If you buy another house jointly you're still going to have issues of joint ownership, joint rights to occupy etc and he could refuse to leave. Obviously that is extremely underhand, but you are asking for advice on what's best for you, not him, so that's what this is.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 10/10/2024 11:44

This man sounds absolutely vile. What a toxic environment for you and your child to be living in …. Do whatever it takes- you really need to get him out of your life 💐

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 10:47

@bluebirdholiday you're right i probably am fixated on the school. but it's only because the school is the only thing he can control really - and if he refuses to give permission for me to move the DC to a new school - then I am stuck here.

everything is happening at the same time. i want to divorce my husband. lots of ppl at work being made redundant so applying for new jobs. I want my kids to move school. I need to move house. My DH tells me i'm having a midlife crisis and just want to change everything. But actually i'm just unhappy. and he is the cause of that unhappiness

living with someone who is so rude and uninterested in you is one of the most depressing experiences of my life. last night i had a work event i had been organisign for months - he does not look up from his phone when i walk in the door. he laughed at 'your shitty work going down the drain' when i told him my colleagues were losing their jobs.

OP posts:
Pussygaloregalapagos · 09/10/2024 23:15

Rigatone · 06/10/2024 10:39

This seems like a good plan. (Contrary to my advice up thread)

Show quote history

Would you be in a position to get a mortgage though? I would say move. Buy new house: encourage him to get work elsewhere…

bluebirdholiday · 09/10/2024 23:11

Primary school are usually much of a muchness.

I think the primary school is something you're fixating on as though it will solve all your problems.

If he's as coercively controlling as you've described him there then you're faffing with deckchairs on the titanic with this obsession about there being one perfect school.

Sorry you're going through this, op.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 09/10/2024 21:35

I've got a meeting with the admissions person at the school next week. He started saying last night he doesnt want the kids to move school. Honestly I know him and he's just saying it to upset me. He just hates to see me happy or doing things. This school is perfect for DS and he knows it but for some reason the more I make happen - the unhappier he is.

He's been promising to fix the mould in the bathroom for 2 years. This week I took 2 days off work and I've sorted it. He walks in and sees the bathroom and kicks off. It's not that he doesn't do anything, he wants to stop me doing things. Whether big like schools, or small like a bathroom.

My plan is to get them places at the school if I can at all. Then put the house up for sale. And then leave him

I know I sound mad trying to control the timeline but if I leave - he will do everything to control us. If I get the kids into the new school then he can't do anything - well he'd have to go to court to get it reversed.

I wish I could just leave him. I wish on eyelashes that he would just pack his bags and fuck off.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 09/10/2024 11:32

You absolutely must be strategic. He's abusive and you need to manage this process carefully. Yes, to getting legal advice. Absolutely sell the house and give him as little indication of your intentions as possible. Good luck Flowers

ChemtrailsandCountryClub · 09/10/2024 11:21

I think it sounds like you’re nearing a breaking point? Maybe looking into getting the kids transferred first is a great option.

Sounds like a really stressful environment so I think you should do all you can to ensure you and the kids are protected by being able to set up life in a way that will work best for you.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 08/10/2024 19:00

God. He's such a miserable arsehole. Maybe I'll get legal advice. Maybe I can get them transfered to the school without moving first. Moving house with him is going to be painful and expensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 07/10/2024 18:26

Yes, I think you're right. I actually think there is something in moving genuinely being something that is the last final attempt to save us. He's done some awful stuff but his MH isn't great at times and I think he's v isolated. I've made an effort to make friends but maybe if we go to a new town - he'll make friends and stop taking stuff out on me.

I mean I highly doubt it as there seems so little love there but I can say to him that we need to move to get out of this rut.

But wow isn't renting so expensive! For a house similar to ours we would be paying thousands! So he might think it's a bit crazy

I'm definitely going to move first. Being stuck here in a messy divorce unable to move while working every hour - I think it will break me!!

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 06/10/2024 17:06

If I thought that DP would block a house sale out of spite essentially, then I probably wouldn’t feel too much guilt in securing the house move and then telling him about the divorce.

Renting is a good option in that the money from the sale will be in the bank and can split between you easily. Renting has some downsides too, the main one presumably being the availability and affordability of a suitable rental property?

Perhaps as someone has suggested above you do tell him how you feel, but phrase it more as you want to get over it and the new town is the way forward for you both? It’s still strictly lying if you’re certain the relationship is over, but at least you appear to not have manipulated the situation so much. Of course he might double down at that point on the house move I suppose.

speedmop · 06/10/2024 16:38

how old are the children?

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 14:29

The rental idea is genius because you can sell it to him easily and it will deprive him of the opportunity to refuse to leave the family home, and stay there on his own whilst refusing to pay the mortgage and sabotaging the sale. If you're smart you can get the rental just in your name which may increase your chances of staying there temporarily with the children while you divorce him.

Yvawn · 06/10/2024 14:23

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2024 10:35

Have they actually started at your local school? I would suggest get your house on the market. Push for a sale and move to a short term rental in the town under the guise of getting the kids settled in their new school as quickly as possible and finding the dream home (after all he's said its your Rodeo) then once they are in and you are moved break the news that you aren't happy and wish to separate. It'll be easier to split the house proceeds that way I would imagine and he can't be stubborn and refuse to sell up at this point.

This is a good idea.
It is machiavellian, but if you know your DH will turn nasty, it's only sensible.

Pippa246 · 06/10/2024 14:14

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

This. There are hundreds of threads on about men being selfish arseholes who put their needs before DC and/or to make DPs life harder.

OP already does most of the hard labour around raising DC with little input from her DH. Perhaps if he’d put in some of the heavy lifting then she wouldn’t be wanting to leave him.

I’d go with the renting option then leave him and I wouldn’t feel in the slightest bit guilty. Good luck 💐

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 14:00

@Teaortea and others thank you. I know he will try to make my life as hard as poss. but if the kids are at a good school and i have a good network of other women in walking distance from my house - i know it will be ok.

OP posts:
NC10125 · 06/10/2024 13:02

He’s least likely to be furious about the selling, renting, divorcing plan if the place you temporarily rent would be suitable for him to live in long term if he wanted to. So you’re not forcing an unexpected move on him. Just a thought…..

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 12:57

we moved to a retirement like village in a pandemic panic. silly thing to do. house is great - area just isn't set for kids. the primary schools are much better in the nearby town & the state secondary is v v good. hence why houses are so expensive. but it's very set up for kids - lots of mums groups, schools and clubs. i know the town is better for me and the kids. i just need to get us there.

the best way i can describe H is like he's a back seat driver - total passenger in his life - doesn't have any ideas or drive at all - but just sits at the back telling me i'm doing everything wrong. it's my fault we are here. it will be my fault when he doesn't make friends in the new town. but he does have the power to put the brakes on things if he is 'wronged'

(I'll stop the driving metaphor now)

i have really tried. i only mentioned the trump thing as wanted to give you a sense of the bloke without boring people with the details!

OP posts:
twomanyfrogsinabox · 06/10/2024 12:56

It would be pretty devious, but I see your predicament. Women are often told to get their ducks in a row before leaving, and you would be doing just that although in a rather extreme way. You know your DH best and if you think this is what you have to do to get you and your DCs where you need to be go for it.

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 12:50

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

All of this!!!

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 12:47

speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:23

of course he doesn’t have the power to stop you moving to a town 25 mins away

Show quote history

You are really under-informed!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 06/10/2024 12:40

You do need to prioritise what’s best for your DCs. If you are certain moving to the other town and other school would be best for them long term and also that your H would prioritise pissing you off not what’s best for your dcs, then you need to be as sneaky as you need to make that happen.

I like the rental plan (don’t suggest now renting, wait until you have an offer on the house and say you can’t find anything and then talk about not wanting to make the same mistake as this house, rent for 6months) get it on the market and get on the school list.

MuggleMe · 06/10/2024 12:40

Are you sure the children would get into the better school? How big is the catchment? It costs a lot to buy and sell, that's a lot of money you'd waste.

FloatyBoaty · 06/10/2024 12:30

there is another way forward with this that’s a bit more ethical - depends on how much of an arse your DH is though.

you tell him, straight up, how unhappy both your marriage and your life in your village are making you. But you say also
that it’s hard to know how much is one issue, and how much the other.

You tell him that the choices are- sell up, move to the new location together and try and make your marriage work, or divorce now.

He’ll likely choose the first - easier than getting divorced.

You sell and do the renting shenanigans as upthread. Best case scenario- he wakes up, your marriage revives and you’re all terribly happy in your new lives. Worse case- you divorce, but he has less ammunition during the process as you’ve been transparent.

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