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Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
Met44 · 10/10/2024 18:50

Hi @SellAllMyStuff

Im sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation but was a SAHM with not many friends.

I thought I would leave once the children were older and I managed to get a job. It didn't happen and I was so desperate I ended up doing something silly and being sent to a psychiatric hospital.

Im now stuck, no job, no money and he has a life threatening illness which has given him the excuse to ramp up the abuse.

Please, do what you have to do to move. If it means lying to him for the best outcome then do it and don't feel guilty! Get your house and children sorted then divorce him.
Yes, whilst the children are young he will be in your life and you will have to put up with his
nonsense but at least you can shut the door on it each night and have peace.

It will be tough and you are in a strong position with a support network and a good job. Good luck to you xx

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 18:40

So he is emotionally and verbally abusing the children speaking spitefully about you to them?
He does this because his emotional and verbal abuse of you is no longer working.

He is also financially abusing you by not working and only paying a nominal amount towards costs.

Please read up about different types of abuse and coercive control.

By educating yourself it will strengthen your resolve and help you to speak to domestic abuse organisations.

You are afraid of him hurting you and the children.

Tell Women's aid that you are terrified of him and what he might do to you and the children.

What about a refuge?
You need to box clever.
Talk to Women's aid.
Tell them he will do anything to stop you leaving.
You need help to get away.
Tell friends EXACTLY what is going on.
Go for a two bed place.
Put the children in one room.
Would your employer help you?
Can you rent and up and just leave with the children because of his abuse.
Can you ask Women's aid to ask you flee.

All that matters is you get away from him.
Can Women's aid help with the childrens school?
You will have support in this area to help you settle.
The more you educate yourself about his abuse of you the better you will be able to advocate for yourself and children.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 18:35

Neither of the options is affordable or dont even know if i could persuade him. But both preferable to buying another house with big mortgage. I'm earning between 65 and 78 depending on a few things. H on 50. But could be on more. But younger kid only has another 7 months of childcare so that will make a difference

@AutumnTimeForCosy24 you joke...God I wish he could just up and leave us sometimes. I did a little therapy last year and the first thing she said to me when i said I wanted to leave my H was "well firstly - whether you're with him or not, you must come to terms with the fact this man will be in your life all of your life"

Horrendous but guess she was making me face the reality

OP posts:
70Cats · 10/10/2024 18:27

Just want to wish you luck. You sound amazing, strong and capable, trying to give your children a better life. Please don’t blame yourself for things that happened in the past that’s a waste of your energy. One day at a time you will achieve everything you need for your children.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 18:16

5128gap · 10/10/2024 15:57

Same! I suppose she'd need to weigh up the respective costs of renting (which he'd pay with her if they moved in as a family) and court costs if he refused to move out/allow the sale of a new purchase.

Show quote history

@5128gap

i proposed her buying a new house she could afford by herself & buy him out during the divorce.

I was thinking more of the increased disruption & moving costs etc of renting inbetween, but we don't know enough about her finances (or kids) really, she'll have to decide what's affordable/better for her & the kids.

but alternatively I have a heavy spade and can help dig footings...

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 16:35

I may be trapped with a shitty husband who doesn't pay for anything but I do have a good job with plenty of potential and some v good friends, so it must be possible to get myself out of this mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 16:23

ah that's another issue. He isn't paying his way with the mortgage. He's now working full time again - but he only pays £300 a month to joint expenses (mortgage, nursery, bills, insurance) and I pay £000s. So I don't know how I would get him to pay half rent. He says he is paying for loads of other stuff. So if I rented I could presume I'd be paying the lion share of it all.

I want to be free of him so badly!

I think maybe buying a more affordable home I could buy him out of. I mean it would have to be really cheap but might be poss.

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 10/10/2024 16:20

OP maybe consider pretending to rise to his bait so he doesn't start on the children. Hone your acting skills, they will come in handy however this charade plays out. Good luck, he sounds like a nasty piece of work.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 15:57

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 14:00

@Teaortea and others thank you. I know he will try to make my life as hard as poss. but if the kids are at a good school and i have a good network of other women in walking distance from my house - i know it will be ok.

Do whatever it takes to get to that point!!

5128gap · 10/10/2024 15:57

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 15:49

@5128gap

I never said anything about pulling out of the new house.

but having thought about it over my coffee I decided maybe renting & wasting the money, disrupting the kids twice, paying additional moving & storage costs might be worth it?

Though if they buy somewhere she can afford on her salary, she might do better to buy a house then buy him out after the divorce...

we don't know enough about their finance to say, I don't think.

what I DO know is she needs to get the kids in the school & I don't care how much she deceives him!

Show quote history

Same! I suppose she'd need to weigh up the respective costs of renting (which he'd pay with her if they moved in as a family) and court costs if he refused to move out/allow the sale of a new purchase.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 15:49

5128gap · 10/10/2024 12:44

It won't work out logistically. OP needs to be free of joint ownership/mortgage with him. There isn't a point in the process of selling one house to buy another where the OP can spring her ta da! moment that is too late for him to put a stop to the sale. They would typically sell and buy on the same day and as soon as he realised OP wasnt going to sign for their new joint house could call it all off. Renting is expensive, but the only way i can see of her freeing herself from her joint property ownership with him without him realising, is to put a rental between sale and next purchase.

Show quote history

@5128gap

I never said anything about pulling out of the new house.

but having thought about it over my coffee I decided maybe renting & wasting the money, disrupting the kids twice, paying additional moving & storage costs might be worth it?

Though if they buy somewhere she can afford on her salary, she might do better to buy a house then buy him out after the divorce...

we don't know enough about their finance to say, I don't think.

what I DO know is she needs to get the kids in the school & I don't care how much she deceives him!

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 14:58

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 14:18

OP, you are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.
Do you realise that?
You need to speak to Women's aid.
You are afraid of him.
He will go against supporting your childrens best interests to spite you.

You do not want him working part time claiming he is prime carer.

You need advice about domestic abuse and how you can get away from him.

Get advice first and then do WHATEVER it takes to get away from him.

Yes - not trusting my gut has got me into this mess - i have ignored or excused red flags/unacceptable behaviour my whole life. My gut is telling me he will spite me, he will hurt me, and he will use the kids to get at me when he realises i'm unaffected by his words towards me. He says i'm 'cold' these days which means he can't get a rise out of me. when he says i shitty things i don't cry anymore. and now sometimes he makes shitty comments about me to the DC. so abuse always increases when you leave right? so i do feel scared of what he might try to pull.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 14:37

I think @WhisperGold so let's say i split now, and then in a few months I would say "exDH I think we should move DC to XXX school because it's closer to me and it's the best mainstream school for learning disabilities in the whole region" and he says "i'm not happy with that" and I say "well, that is best for DC and i'm goign ahead" and he woudl have the right to tell the school he doesn't give permission for the move and then I would need to take him to court and the court would decide. family courts decide on school if co-parents cannot decidee between them.

OP posts:
WhisperGold · 10/10/2024 14:26

So if you rolled up as residential parent to register kids for school you'd need ExH's signature?

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 14:18

OP, you are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.
Do you realise that?
You need to speak to Women's aid.
You are afraid of him.
He will go against supporting your childrens best interests to spite you.

You do not want him working part time claiming he is prime carer.

You need advice about domestic abuse and how you can get away from him.

Get advice first and then do WHATEVER it takes to get away from him.

Domino20 · 10/10/2024 14:16

Could you say that a rental right near the school was necessary at first to ensure that the kids fell into the catchment area? Then once they are enrolled can look to purchase slightly further away? The kids are young enough to cram into one bedroom in the short term, then leave him with that 2 bed property if he wants it?

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 14:07

Yeah - I'd do the drive, but the admission person told me there is basically no chance if we are out of catchment.

I would really really like to leave now. To just say we are done and start the v painful process of splitting. I would much prefer to do it that way. He ignores me routinely. I told him I has a job interview for a bit of a dream job and he didn't say well done just said "you'll still be able to do all the school stuff won't you".

I'm trying to grey rock and just let his nasty words roll over me.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 10/10/2024 13:57

Also just to add my DD goes to a school 30 mins drive away. I do it because I really think it's better for her. So applying for your preferred school isn't out of the question without moving - albeit I know it's harder to get a place.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 13:49

WhisperGold · 10/10/2024 12:57

Can someone inform me how he could stop OP?
Say she lives in Bourton and says, I'm leaving and taking the kids to live in Cheltenham. When she gets there she registers kids for Cheltenham Ladies College.
What rights does OH have to block this?

I do think I need legal advice. When I was building up to leaving last year I spoke to a solicitor for an hour and it cost me a bomb (paying for every email etc) and i didn't get anything i couldn't hvae found online - so learning from that and trying to get advice from MN and reading other threads - but maybe that is casuing me to be more paranoid about what ex husbands can actually do post split!

But i don't think in your example he couldn't stop you moving to Cheltenham as it's only 25 mins away or - but if he needs to agree to the school move - so he needs to give permission/sign the forms to agree to school change - so if he stops the school move, he is essentially stopping the move to Cheltnenham altogether as the kids would still be stuck in Bourton schoul so move becomes logitically not feasible.

this is particularly big sticking point for me as my DS has specific needs and becuase his current school isn't the best option for him.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 10/10/2024 13:40

Sounds entirely sensible to me. Mumsnet always chants get your ducks in row but then doesn't like it it seems when you do it.

School and friends are important, make the life you want and then when you're safe to, leave him and his hateful trump views.

WhisperGold · 10/10/2024 12:57

Can someone inform me how he could stop OP?
Say she lives in Bourton and says, I'm leaving and taking the kids to live in Cheltenham. When she gets there she registers kids for Cheltenham Ladies College.
What rights does OH have to block this?

5128gap · 10/10/2024 12:44

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 12:12

Do whatever is best for your kids & you.

Dont think of it being sneaky or anything. You will put your kids first, he will put pissing you off first!!

I would start looking at places to buy that you can afford on your own & buy if one comes up. 'Together' if necessary to keep up the charade. Renting is expensive, I'd only rent if I absolutely had to to get the school places.

i wouldn't mention your plan to anyone in real life. If YOU don't tell anyone, they can't give the game away.

It won't work out logistically. OP needs to be free of joint ownership/mortgage with him. There isn't a point in the process of selling one house to buy another where the OP can spring her ta da! moment that is too late for him to put a stop to the sale. They would typically sell and buy on the same day and as soon as he realised OP wasnt going to sign for their new joint house could call it all off. Renting is expensive, but the only way i can see of her freeing herself from her joint property ownership with him without him realising, is to put a rental between sale and next purchase.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 12:33

Sorry to drip feed but didn't want to out myself but oldest DS is currently being assessed for an EHCP so that changes things - and I can't allow my H in stand in the way of getting DS the best support he needs. Good chance he may need to go to a specialist setting in the future - and i keep thinkign i need to stay with H to protect DS and getting him the best support we can find.

Maybe if i can't persuade H to sell and rent, I could persuade him to go for a much cheaper home which I could then buy him out of so it would mean less disrpution to DC and less costs of moving.

OP posts:
AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 12:12

Do whatever is best for your kids & you.

Dont think of it being sneaky or anything. You will put your kids first, he will put pissing you off first!!

I would start looking at places to buy that you can afford on your own & buy if one comes up. 'Together' if necessary to keep up the charade. Renting is expensive, I'd only rent if I absolutely had to to get the school places.

i wouldn't mention your plan to anyone in real life. If YOU don't tell anyone, they can't give the game away.

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 10/10/2024 12:04

God, what an arsehole. Can you pretend you don't want to move and it would make you miserable but feel you have to do it for the kids? That might make him more excited to do it.....

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