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Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
Grannyinnwaiting · 11/10/2024 10:42

jeaux90 is correct - sell and rent - get the kids into school then split to avoid 2 lots of legal fees and stamp duty. Good luck - it is a bit snakey but so is being a Trump supporter

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:39

SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 22:43

It all came up tonight. He started on me "I thought you were going to get a better paid job. How We gonna pay for this house move?" Then he said "you saw friends last Friday night when you could have been applying for jobs"

This is a man who was asked by his boss to go on a training course in order to get prepped for a promotion and he didn't do it because it meant slightly longer hours for a couple of weeks.

He honestly thinks my responsibility in life is to do everything for him. He was saying "you do a spreadsheet of how it will all work and I'll agree or disagree ok?". His patronisung tone with me "I know you have some fancy vision for the kids or whatever but you need to work out how we afford living in XX and make it happen. You need to be across the details because you're not good with details so you need to show me how it all works - like the commute, the school drop, etc, cost of bills - so get all that sorted and I won't say no"

I recorded him. I do when I remember and I make notes of all the shitty things he's done. It's hidden on my work laptop.

He is currently lying in bed looking at v v cheap houses in the new town shouting "oooh lovely. This one barely has a bathroom. Great idea moving isn't it love" and laughing to himself

He's a fucking bully. Spiteful, patronising, lazy weight around my neck

I have to escape in a way that doesn't trap us. I'm trying so hard to work out how that can happen

Thank you for advice. So nice to hear ppl understand my logic!

No wonder he is a Trump supporter - they sound like kindred spirits, utterly repulsive and mediocre but feel that they are superior to people who are so much better than them.

His spite and willingness to put himself before his children's needs are his not so secret super powers. He will do anything to hurt and harm you because deep down he knows that you are better than him in every way and his ego can't deal with that.

I agree with other posters that you should contact Women's Aid. I don't think he is a safe person for you and your children to be around.

TheCultureHusks · 11/10/2024 09:24

Your plan is exactly what I would do.

You know him! You know how best to get the outcome you want.

Is it ‘fair’? No. Is he ‘fair’ with the way he treats you? No.

🤷‍♀️

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:20

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:49

Oh yes. The renting plan seems v smart. Yes - that's a great idea. Possibly even more sneaky than I was being and would mean he couldn't block sale by refusing to engage for months.

I know @Anotherparkingthread it seems sneaky. I mean - it is sneaky. I hate thinking like this. But I know we would have a better quality of life and education if we moved and H agrees! He just doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. But I have this real fear of being trapped. I can only imagine what it must feel like for people posting who are in the same situation but in different countries! You have to plan ahead to not become trapped....I know this town is only 25 mins away but it's the school thing. He can control it all by simply refusing to give me permission to move their school. I know it might seem crazy that H would block something good for DC to punish me but if I'm judging him on previous behaviour - he could absolutely do something like that.

If he would deliberately block something good for your DC to punish you, I would definitely go ahead with your plan to move and get the DC in the good school before you leave him. You are only being 'sneaky' to protect your children's best interests.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:17

LlynTegid · 06/10/2024 10:30

Unless you live in the US, I cannot see the relevance of his support for Trump here.

Even if they don't live in the US, it clearly shows what sort of person he is. If he supports that grotesque, delusional, spiteful adjudicated rapist and convicted felon, I can absolutely see why OP would want to leave him.

Proudestmumofone1 · 11/10/2024 09:03

SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:50

Not sure why I gave you such an essay on the EHCP process!

I didn't mention my son's challenges as I think ppl can eye roll at SEN and i didn't want to discusss that really. But yes, it is certainly a huge element of me being so determined to move his school as we aren't at the best school for his specific needs.

i just did the school drop and watched so many dads being so cheeerful and affectionate - and i did feel v sad all of a sudden. and v guilty about oldest DS - as he does have specific neeeds and challenges and really like predictability so this is all a total mess fo him.

Feel free to msg me if you need help with ehcp side of things - I’m a tribunal EP :)

DS would jump to top of waiting list. Plus there can be an argument for them going over numbers , but as I said it can be complex.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:50

Not sure why I gave you such an essay on the EHCP process!

I didn't mention my son's challenges as I think ppl can eye roll at SEN and i didn't want to discusss that really. But yes, it is certainly a huge element of me being so determined to move his school as we aren't at the best school for his specific needs.

i just did the school drop and watched so many dads being so cheeerful and affectionate - and i did feel v sad all of a sudden. and v guilty about oldest DS - as he does have specific neeeds and challenges and really like predictability so this is all a total mess fo him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:26

@Proudestmumofone1

The ECHP process is complicated eh. The local authority has agreed to assess (DS has a diagonsis, OT referrral, and then an EP did report saying he would benefit from 121 support in order to stay in mainstream).

We are now in that stage of council gathering more evidence but they are insising on their EP report (despite us already having one from July). So it may take a v long time to get their own EP report done.

Obviously I'm doing all of this alone. In fact - DH tells me i like 'outsourcing parenting' by going through this process and I just 'like emailing people'.

Anyway - your question - yes, so if DS was given an EHCP - we would name XX school of course, but I don't fully understand the options then. I know we would be priority but they have a waiting list for DS year group so perhaps that means it's a no whether we have an EHCP or not.

The biggest fight was getting LA to agree to assess - I had to do a lot of evidence gathering myself and writing to them - but now it feel like a waiting game as they are gathering evidence during the assessment period.

OP posts:
Proudestmumofone1 · 10/10/2024 23:28

OP, you mention your DS is undergoing an EHC assessment - do you realise this means he would be priority for a place in the new school regardless of catchment?

However, you haven’t mentioned that they have confirmed there is space in his year….

Yes with an EHCP in a maintained state there are some legal routes to make them go against their max number of students, but this can be tricky and I wouldn’t rely on this route.

I would be putting resources and energy into securing the EHCP (even with legal support) and then moving DC, then splitting.

Met44 · 10/10/2024 23:14

SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 21:21

@Met44 I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. That's awful. Are you his carer?

When I start having a wobble and thinking maybe I should stay, I think about one of us becoming unwell and what that would look like

I keep saying ill do it next year, next month though and I still haven't found the strength. It was actually my 2024 resolution and here we are

I really hope you find your happiness x

Yes I am his carer and the emotional abuse has got worse.
I don't think I will find happiness now, I'm 54 with no job or friends.
im not saying all this to make you feel sorry for me. But please, please darling get out now.
It won't get better xx

CharlotteLucas3 · 10/10/2024 22:57

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

This. A lot of people don't realise how important strategy is because they've not been in a relationship with a narcissist.

Never be tempted to tell him what you've done and I'd leave it a few months before you leave him.

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 22:49

Please don't waste a single second feeling guilty about trying to offload that nasty prick.

PennyCrayon1 · 10/10/2024 22:47

Do what you need to do, OP.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 22:46

I wouldn't qualify for UC

Rental is 100% the best move. But it's so expensive I can't see him being persuaded by it unless we had a great offer for our house and couldn't agree on the next house perhaps.....which I guess I could orchestrate...

I feel like a sneaky piece of shit! But if you knew him you'd get it!

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 22:43

It all came up tonight. He started on me "I thought you were going to get a better paid job. How We gonna pay for this house move?" Then he said "you saw friends last Friday night when you could have been applying for jobs"

This is a man who was asked by his boss to go on a training course in order to get prepped for a promotion and he didn't do it because it meant slightly longer hours for a couple of weeks.

He honestly thinks my responsibility in life is to do everything for him. He was saying "you do a spreadsheet of how it will all work and I'll agree or disagree ok?". His patronisung tone with me "I know you have some fancy vision for the kids or whatever but you need to work out how we afford living in XX and make it happen. You need to be across the details because you're not good with details so you need to show me how it all works - like the commute, the school drop, etc, cost of bills - so get all that sorted and I won't say no"

I recorded him. I do when I remember and I make notes of all the shitty things he's done. It's hidden on my work laptop.

He is currently lying in bed looking at v v cheap houses in the new town shouting "oooh lovely. This one barely has a bathroom. Great idea moving isn't it love" and laughing to himself

He's a fucking bully. Spiteful, patronising, lazy weight around my neck

I have to escape in a way that doesn't trap us. I'm trying so hard to work out how that can happen

Thank you for advice. So nice to hear ppl understand my logic!

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 10/10/2024 22:33

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2024 10:35

Have they actually started at your local school? I would suggest get your house on the market. Push for a sale and move to a short term rental in the town under the guise of getting the kids settled in their new school as quickly as possible and finding the dream home (after all he's said its your Rodeo) then once they are in and you are moved break the news that you aren't happy and wish to separate. It'll be easier to split the house proceeds that way I would imagine and he can't be stubborn and refuse to sell up at this point.

This is a great idea. Otherwise you have to buy another joint home in the town which you’ll ultimately have to sell when you split.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/10/2024 22:26

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 18:16

@5128gap

i proposed her buying a new house she could afford by herself & buy him out during the divorce.

I was thinking more of the increased disruption & moving costs etc of renting inbetween, but we don't know enough about her finances (or kids) really, she'll have to decide what's affordable/better for her & the kids.

but alternatively I have a heavy spade and can help dig footings...

Show quote history

He'd still have to agree to being bought out which he might not, or forced by a judge which would mean going to court.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/10/2024 22:23

jeaux90 · 06/10/2024 10:32

Do you work OP? I'd be tempted to suggest you rent something in the town whilst you work out the right area to live and then pull the trigger on the divorce.

That way the capital is sitting there. Otherwise it's a lot of stamp duty to waste.

Sell then rent. Money from sale info a joint account with 2 fo sign for withdrawals. Could be an issue though if OP needs to apply for UC.

Aria999 · 10/10/2024 22:17

Baby steps! It's hard to just 'do' something so enormous but you're doing the right thing breaking it down.

So, first you're solving the problem of the kids schools, and you have also figured out a way to get out of a shared house ownership. That's a good start.

Once you have made progress with those things the next steps may feel easier.

TotteringonGently · 10/10/2024 22:01

I raised an eyebrow at your first post as I thought you were pulling a bit of a dick move but, having read your subsequent posts, I am cheering you on from the sidelines. He sounds like the most miserable, hateful twat. He may be struggling with his moods but that's no excuse to be so spiteful and nasty. Do what you've got to do to safeguard your future happiness and that of your dc.

But to echo a pp, start documenting things. You're frightened of what he might do? Tell women's aid. He constantly undermines you and leads you to misery and stress? Tell the GP. Attempted alienation? Quiet word with their teachers. Get this on professional records for when the twat starts kicking off and making things difficult.

Also-speak to estate agents asap if you can , the market for family homes tends to slow down a lot in winter. You can do this, imagine what a lovely life you'll have without the constant jabs and grey mood affecting your every waking hour!

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 21:21

@Met44 I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. That's awful. Are you his carer?

When I start having a wobble and thinking maybe I should stay, I think about one of us becoming unwell and what that would look like

I keep saying ill do it next year, next month though and I still haven't found the strength. It was actually my 2024 resolution and here we are

I really hope you find your happiness x

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 10/10/2024 19:20

I know lawyers are expensive, but you really need competent legal advice to come up with a plan that is actionable, legal and meets your objectives. You'll save yourself both money and grief.

Educate yourself - do your homework. Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites. Call a few family lawyers. Some may give you 20 minutes or so free on the phone, but paying for an hour would probably be a worthwhile investment.

Gather all financial documentation, including tax returns and pensions. Look at Form E and figure out where you might stand financially.

Then see the solicitor who feel most comfortable with.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 19:19

@SellAllMyStuff

well firstly - whether you're with him or not, you must come to terms with the fact this man will be in your life all of your life"

well that was a depressing way to start counselling!!🙇🏻‍♀️

he said he'd move if you did the 'work' I'd just get on with it ASAP, mouth shut, plaster on a smile.
best of luck! You've got us all behind you!!

5128gap · 10/10/2024 19:10

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 18:16

@5128gap

i proposed her buying a new house she could afford by herself & buy him out during the divorce.

I was thinking more of the increased disruption & moving costs etc of renting inbetween, but we don't know enough about her finances (or kids) really, she'll have to decide what's affordable/better for her & the kids.

but alternatively I have a heavy spade and can help dig footings...

Show quote history

Lol. It would certainly be the cheapest option! Yes, I understand what you're saying now.

Ponderingwindow · 10/10/2024 19:01

Ideally find somewhere to rent in the new town that either one of you could afford solo. You can be planning to live there for a year while you get to know the area. You might as well save money on the rent if at all possible, even if the rental isn’t the fanciest.

That way if you want to move out or ask him to move out, neither of you is stuck in a lease you can’t afford.

it may be impossible with rental prices being so high, but I would still look.

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