Is this a mad plan?

What about a mortgage holiday?
Is that an option to help you flee domestic abuse?

I urge you to invest in competent legal advice. Any experienced family solicitor will have dealt with similar situations and will help you find a solution.

You could post in Legal Matters as a first step.

That's an interesting idea!

Another option for the 'new' house is to look for one that would be ideal for you and the kids, and affordable for you, and could be made suitable for a 'family' home with an extension - and show how the extension would give you the extra space you need - and then buy him out of the house when you split. Not necessarily as easy as renting - but at least you'd be where you wanted to....

Do you think you will actually be able get him to sell up and move into a rental with you all? It sounded like an uphill struggle from what you said 😟

He sounds so horrible to you. The thing about the breakfast bar. Ffs. I would definitely want out urgently in your position.

But if you kick him out now, you are stuck in that house until he cooperates with selling it (and you somehow need to physically make him leave though there may be help you can get with that).

It sounds like you could probably make that work financially if you could get him to move out, but not if you leave now and take the kids to a rental and end up paying both rent and mortgage.

Is that right?

I agree with PP. The new info about finances and debt is worrying.

If he has (or feels like he has) nothing to lose, it could all get very messy. Financially.

For eg he could refuse to cooperate entirely. For eg refuse to pay anything. Run up even bigger debts. Empty the joint account.

So I would suggest you speak to a solicitor about your position and see what they suggest.

And women's aid. You cant be the first to be trapped in this manner.

Sorry OP, I was intending to come back.

I do still believe it's your best option but reading the rest of your posts your situation seems so much worse than I originally thought and my comment felt a bit casual in the circumstances.

You and your children are in an incredibly toxic situation with a man who is verbally and financially abusing you. He sounds likely to respond to the loss of his financial stability and control over you far worse than the loss of his family. It's a much smaller step from verbal abuse to physical abuse than most like to think and I would hate to think you were endangering yourself and your children in sticking around to play the long game. That said, I think you're aware and switched on enough to recognise this.

I think while you're ultimately playing the long game you also need to have a short-term strategy in place should it become necessary.

As previously suggested, speak to Women's Aid, know your options and get your situation on record. Again, raise it with your GP, your employer if appropriate, get it on record. Speak to discreet friends.

Try to have somewhere/friends you can stay with, at least temporarily, lined up should it be needed quickly.

Get as much evidence as you can but be careful not to be caught recording him.

Ensure you have financial statements/evidence in place.

Seek as much legal advice as possible.

Do your homework on the new school and have a case in place for how this school meets your child's needs in context of any EHCP that's granted, push the EHCP through as quickly as you can.

Try to have funds held separately to your husband wherever possible if you don't already.

Be safe. xx

OP ignore this, I commented without reading all of your posts, apologies.

I think you know your situation and dp better than anyone and if you feel he would block you out of spite then you're right to try to get your ducks in a row before splitting.

Renting sounds like a good idea, he doesn't need to know this was your intention. By the time you reach that point I think there will be little point in your being open about it.

stop focusing on him and his emotions - go see a lawyer and hatch out a plan that meets your needs and is legally feasible.

Well yes, that’s true, but it seems like stalemate at present and he could dig his heels in for the long term.

The problem with this is it would then be very hard to get him out of the house or get him to cooperate with selling it. OP can't default on the mortgage so she could be stuck paying for the house indefinitely while he just lives there.

Are you in a position to leave him in the house and rent on your own. The buying and selling process is torture, as I know from experience. Selling might take much longer than you think or hope. Do you have enough for a deposit and monthly payments on your own?

Do you know what the debt relates to, possibly gambling or drugs? All the more reason to get out ASAP. Definitely take legal advice and secure a rental in the catchment area.

It's concerning that he may have debts you don't know about. And that these could even be growing.

When you split you could find yourself having to share these as well as the assets.

I think this would be the thing I'd speak to a lawyer about. You don't want any nasty surprises in future.

Do what you need to do. This vile slob isn’t doing anything to help your son. What does he say when you question is financial contribution to the household?

Omg I'm sorry. He is vile.

I think I'd odd whatever got me out fastest. Even if that meant losing money or having the courts decide school.

You say he only pays £300. Why? Is this it? Are you sure he's not saving himself ? Have you told him he needs to pay more?

If you buy something smaller you can afford to buy him out of, you still will have to get him out of that house and agree with you buying him out. That could take a long time if he’s as stubborn as you think.

renting has an end date. You have a six month contract, you give notice that you and the dcs are leaving. He can stay in the same rental but you can be clear to the landlord you are moving out and they will have to do a new contract just with your ex.

anything that involves you waiting on him is a bad idea.