What life advice do you give your DC’s when they are teens ?

Don't smoke
Don't do hard drugs
Floss
Always wear sunscreen
Always take the stairs

Never feel pressured to agree to something you are uncomfortable with in any sphere at all
Get your own independent income. Think very carefully before making any choices that leave you dependent on someone else
Choose a partner who is respectful and walks the walk in terms of equality
Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
I have also taught them how to cook, budget, do housework (son and daughter equally) and the importance of regular exercise
And if you are in trouble whatever it is and you can't see a way out please come to me and I will always do my best to help you.

We lived in London too but we bought a flat in 2003 and it was affordable on our joint salaries in Wimbledon for goodness sake. We had no idea how lucky we were in terms of being able to get on the property ladder.

I don't really give advice telling them when to get married, considering I got married at 21! But considering they'd only barely be done with uni by then, I really want them to think it through. But my marriage worked out amazingly and we have been married for 16 years. While I know people who got married in their 30s and ended up divorcing. It really does depend.

I'm always telling my teen girls to be financially independent as you truly never know.

I live in London and getting married in your very late 20s and early 30s is standard here for the last few decades.

@Ozgirl75 I agree, that's why I mentioned location in another post. I think if you live in an area where housing is cheaper you are able to obtain independence earlier. My friends and I were marrying in the 2010s, we moved and worked in London for a few years and my colleagues would look at me like I had scales when I told them I was married already, they were 10 years older but still living with roommates. Getting married in your 20s was still very normal where I'm from in the 2010s. No idea if it's changed in this decade.

Sorry but I disagree I got married at 22 and am very happy 15 years later

It’s completely different. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or the lack of housing available that is remotely affordable for a young person. There is a stark difference. I was confidently travelling around Europe at 16. Now we have presenters being reported to social services for allowing her child to do that!

That said, I am happy for my own children to develop at their own pace, there is no rush. Both have said they would love to have a marriage as long and as happy as ours, it has been the making of us but it’s not everyone’s experience. They need to choose well and carefully, and even then life happens unexpectedly.

That most people are winging it. I made the mistake as a very shy and lacking in confidence teen/early twenties in thinking that everyone was confident and knew what they were doing and I was the odd one out. Then I realised that people basically fake it til it becomes so normal that they naturally grow in confidence as a result. That was a eureka moment for me.
My thirties were so much happier as a result. You would look at me now and think I am the most confident, self-assured person. I’m not, but I’m very happy in my own skin now and I’ve managed to create a life for myself that is a bit unusual, but works.

I also don't advise them to be kind, because they are already kind and I don't want them to get taken advantage of. Knowing when it's ok to say no, I can't do that, no I can't give you money, saying no is important especially for young women, who are often brought up to be very kind but in ways that can be detrimental to them.

I don't advise my young adults when to get married, but I have advised them to think of the financial implications, as they already have assets that, should they then divorce, they would lose. I can't stop them doing it, just make them aware of it.

My other main advice for relationships for them has been to look and see what people do in a variety of situations, don't go off what they say. Anyone can say they love kids or will support you in the future, but it's whether they show that in their daily interactions, are they trustworthy, do they follow through, do they act to support you in little ways? You need to see someone in lots of situations, how they are around their friends, their mum and dad, when stressed, when work isn't great, to know if they will be a good partner. My advice is: look at someone's actions and watch someone for a year or two. That then tells you what type of person they are; don't believe their account of who they are at face value.

However - I do realise that young people seem to mature much later these days - we got married in 2004 and I’d gone travelling at 18, came to Australia by myself at 15, moved out at 18, had worked since I was 14, my DH was an army officer at war in Iraq by 24 years old. I was a qualified solicitor by the time I got married at 26, regularly advising on multi million pound litigation. We owned our own flat - getting married felt like a totally logical next step because I felt like we had done loads.

Nowadays it seems that people feel that they’re still children way into their 20s whereas none of my friends felt like that at all.

Your feelings are always valid and you are allowed to express them.
You don't have to do things just because your friends think you should, you can choose your own path.
You can tell me anything you want to. I might have a different opinion but that's ok and we can talk about it.
Don't believe everything you see on the internet.

(Eldest is 13. As we go through the next few years there will be more about relationships/finance etc)

I feel sorry for a few of you on here - most happy marriages don’t make you feel “tied down” - you grow together, enjoy each other’s company, whilst also spreading your wings in terms of career and life. I’m sure if you have an unhappy marriage it feels limiting and restricts your options but in a happy supportive marriage it just isn’t like that at all.
But you have to make sure you’ve met the right person!

Definitely not all, and some seem to replace a lack of parental love and affection for a flawed or abusive relationship, rather than choosing a relationship because it enhances their lives, a companion for life.

Some people mature faster too, and are ready. Others fall into it without much thought and have no idea what they are doing.

A lasting love from a young age is appealing as it is romantic. Growing old together having held hands as teens must be very special. I guess my work provides a keen insight into how it sometimes ends for some people (and sadly it is the young women that end up carrying such a huge load on sometimes very young shoulders)

Don't only listen to what people say, look at their actions. A good person doesn't act like an arsehole because they're angry or stressed.

Don't let those who don't matter control your emotions.

Work hard and keep learning about the world.

Spend money wisely and always save some.

@Savingthehedgehogs yes I can whole heartedly agree with your post. I have no doubt there are a lot of unhealthy young relationships where the lack of maturity and life experience adds a layer of complexity, just not all.

DD: become financially independent and never take your health for granted.

DS: learn to run a household and never take your health for granted.

@Thepeopleversuswork have you got stats on that? Because I would suspect location actually plays a huge part. I'm from a part of the world where housing is cheaper, we launch sooner because we are able to move out quicker, a quick count in my head of my family and friends marriages I can list about 8 couples who married in our 20s, we are all university educated (except my husband actually, but he has a good career, we are a six figure household) all own homes, seemingly financially secure as far as I can tell from a distance.

The truth is you have a perception of who marries younger. It's a class based perception, just as most things are on MN.

I agree some people definitely grow together and are almost the wind beneath each others wings and really propel and support each other. A shared history and love is a blessing.

I work with young people whom sometimes have limited ideas beyond domestic responsibilities that could be available to them. They get involved at a young age, and it becomes a trap, and not what they signed up for. I encourage empowering women to live their lives independently to offer choice, education and opportunity. They are sometimes uniquely vulnerable and are not fully aware of the consequences of their decisions. That said there are many of examples of those that are very happy with long marriages and the stability that it offers in life has worked for them.

@toopytoo younger marriage tends to correlate with lower income.

And obviously it’s not necessarily the age per se it’s the lack on an education. Women in particular who marry and have children young tend to end their lives poorer. That’s not particularly controversial?

When somebody shows you who or what they are: believe them!
Respect yourself and don't be persuaded to do something with which you feel uncomfortable - trust the niggle in your tummy.
Make sure any new sexual partner shows you proof that they have been recently tested and are free from current STI.
This is your one life and is not a practise run - have fun and try all new experiences that come your way.
Have personal integrity and make sure you can peacefully rest your head each night knowing that, today, you did your best.
You are not responsible for the behaviour of others.
Not everyone is a friend nor wants to be your friend. Do the right thing, anyway.

That’s probably more a reflection of their income, demographics and family expectations than reflecting a happier life.

Please do tell me what the income, demographics and family expectations of couples who marry young are?

@CJsGoldfish

See, I tend to think it's often the opposite.
Someone who 'settles' young doesn't know anything else and, whatever their relationship is, is their 'normal' I'd question that they know who they are and what they are capable of without being one of two.

Totally agree. It may technically be true that people who marry young are more likely to stay together but that’s not necessarily a good thing. That’s probably more a reflection of their income, demographics and family expectations than reflecting a happier life.

If you get married in your 20s you are likely not to have any time living alone or with friends, working and travelling etc. You’re entering a life of dependency with someone before your personality is fully developed. It may work well for some but it’s a huge gamble. A lot of people are just too frightened to leave.

Couples who have been together decades are not necessarily something to aspire to either. People can become horribly codependent so they can’t function without one another and it is pretty depressing. I think early marriage in general is pretty limiting.

There is a cost to marrying at a young age in my view, but you don’t have to agree, it’s my opinion. My experience tells me there can be a lot of regret later in life about losing freedom and the fun of being young, a time in life that can not be recaptured. It’s a window of time for most people.

But surely experience has afforded you the understanding that people are different? That people live their lives differently and that some of us can navigate relationships in a way that don't lose freedom, I went to uni, he's travelled the world with his job. We understood we were young and didn't hold each other back. There are pros and cons to everything in life, and you simply can't pretend that there is a best time?

The reasons so many relationships struggle is because people are a bad fit, throw in the particularly challenging issues for women and I can understand why a mother of a daughter would be cautious in this arena, but I suspect there is A LOT of regret out there from people who let people go because they felt too young but actually that relationship could have blossomed.

The truth for me is my husband is a good one and I was very fortunate to meet him young. He is genuinely kind, he does more than his fair share, he treats me with complete respect, he is funny and a true companion. I would have been an utter fool to have let him go on some false idea we were too young. Good people are good people at all ages, not everyone has to mature to find their feet in life.

You’re saying all this to someone who has already done it, and very successfully. I don’t disagree with your points but also I have seen the way I’ve done things work out time and time again. Good job we’re all different hey??

ETA - and I have a LOT of friends struggling to find a partner at this age, which was my main point and the point of the post I was agreeing with