To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

And it's fine to think it sounds like hell - it doesn't appeal to me either - but it's still not a conversation you have in front of your kids (regardless of their age).

When the kids are paying, then they can have a say.

Exactly!

She said she wanted DH to take the kids and she’ll stay home.

It was very wrong to say it in front of the child, regardless of age.

Imagine hearing your mum would rather have the £400 than spend time as a family as Christmas.

This should have been discussed between just OP and DH.

Why not look after the kids yourself and let DH go alone ?

We don’t know how it was said, maybe in jest, I would rather keep the £400 and the teen agreed.

Either way it doesn’t sound like an enticing prospect to most of us with teens (or even without)
Holidays are precious and need to be agreed by all, especially Christmas breaks with the in laws in less than optimal weather and circumstances. Maybe op would have enjoyed a hotel with some services and facilities.

An out of season villa with the in laws for a full week in the middle of winter would be my idea of hell at Christmas! Cooking and cleaning, bored teens, crap weather and trying to work sounds like a recipe for disaster.

It's normal to involve teens in discussions about family holidays, yes.

It isn't normal to give teens the idea that they can either spend a week with their grandparents or they can choose to have £400 instead to spend on whatever they like.

But OP wasn’t doing that, she was saying that she didn’t want to go and she wanted to get £400 for not going and to spend it on herself.

ahe wasn’t asking what her teen thought, she’s happy for them to go.

Nice marriage you've got there OP.

Exactly.

I totally understand not wanting to go, and I wouldn't want to in OP's shoes either as it just doesn't make sense (financially or practically) but that's a conversation that needs to be had in private.

Having a discussion like that in front of the kids, especially when you both have totally different views, is always going to end up with someone getting their feelings hurt.

They are intending to hire a holiday rental for all of you, not their own property with kitchen equipment, possessions, and activities available? That doesn't sound like much fun, especially with teens! A family party in summer would be another matter...

They are not children - they are teenagers with some autonomy and they also have a right to an opinion about where they spend Christmas. Most parents include their teens in decisions around holidays and occasions.

I would have discussed it with dh and said "it's difficult with work and pets, I'm not bothered about going. I'll stay at home and work and look after pets.
But you and kids should still go I wouldn't want you to miss out "

I definitely wouldn't have brought up cost.

Your dh is right to be annoyed at the way you managed it.

I'd apologise for managing it badly and explain why you don't want to go but you don't want him to miss out if he wants to go. At this point kids will have to make their own decisions but they definitely shouldn't be getting any money

I don’t see it as manipulative. Maybe she was just joking about the money. I think the context is missing here.
Either way she has a right to an opinion, to say no, and to choose. I would not want to go either, so I don’t blame her. I would decline. Absolutely.

Completely unreasonable to have the conversation in front of your children.

It’s fine. I take dc to Spain without Dh. He took one of ours to France on holiday without me. It means we don’t have to worry about the dog or hiring extra farm help. I probably wouldn’t have said it in front of a child so that they didn’t have the same option. If I was your Dh, I’d go with my family if I wanted to (personally, I’d never in a million years go on a holiday with my in-laws 😳).

There's obviously a huge back story because both adults have managed to escalate what should have been a normal discussion quite unreasonably.

Particularly the OP. Not wanting to go away because she'd have to work is a perfectly fine reason for saying no, and that's where she should have left it. The swimming pool being too cold is a very tenuous reason for turning down what sounds like very nice free accommodation in nicer weather than Britain. Bringing up £400 for herself was odd and doing so in front of the teenager just plain manipulative.

Surely the children can also decide for themselves if a cold swimming pool is a deal-breaker for seven days?

I suspect that OP doesn't like the PIL or the "child-free sister" (why is her child-free status relevant here? And why do I get the vibe the OP disapproves of it?). I suspect she has history of dragging her feet and being reluctant to see her in-laws. And I suspect her husband is at the end of his tether about that. Why, or who is reasonable there - who knows.

Also, are your kids really so spoilt and ungrateful that they would spend a week on holiday with extended family complaining because they couldn't use the pool? Seriously?

I don't blame you for not wanting to go, but think you've been a bit tactless in the way you've expressed it!

But the kids would still be going.

OP said she wanted to stay home alone and DH take the kids without her.

So whether it’s boring for the kids is irrelevant, as them not going wasn’t an option.

Shockingly unreasonable on your part, OP.

It's fair enough if you don't want to go, but having that conversation in front of the kids about keeping the £400 to yourself was not acceptable. I think you knew exactly what you were doing when you suggested this.

Are you usually this manipulative and controlling?

YABU

You’re putting yourself before your kids and at Xmas they should come first.

I would never not want to be around my kids at Xmas!
I wouldn’t even be thinking about the £400 that I could spend on myself!

If you have genuine concerns about the trip or think an alternative would be better, then you should speak to your DH in private about it and come up with a plan before discussing it with the kids.

No wonder your DH got shitty, you acted very poorly in front of your child.

Unless they are in central Barcelona it will be quiet. Op is right to consider how this will impact the holiday. Bored teens are not fun. The money would be better spent at a time of year when they will enjoy it!

My teens enjoy family time, as most do, for about a day! Then they are keen to go out, do some sport, see their friends and be with people their own age. Why not agree to a ‘Christmas’ in July with said family? It will be far more fun and might actually be a proper holiday. I wouldn’t want to spend a week there either. Can you go for 2/3 days as a compromise op?

You shouldn't have said this in front of the kids.
You should decide between the two of you if opting out of family holidays to keep money for personal spending is an option for children or not.

@Savingthehedgehogs we have no idea what part of Spain the holiday home is in. I lived in Spain in my early twenties and I loved it in the winter without the tourists!

With the right frame of mind just being somewhere different can make it exciting for kids, even if the “attractions” are closed.

@Savingthehedgehogs not obtuse at all - you're the one who seems to be forgetting that they're not really going to be "tourists" - they're going as a family to spend time together.

They don't need all the attractions to be open - they'll be doing a few Christmassy things and spending most of their time together at the accommodation or maybe at the beach.

I'm sure the teens would prefer to be at home but you know what? We don't always get what we want 🤷‍♀️

You are being deliberately obtuse.

I lived there for many years, and I know without lots of friends and an established social and cultural life/hobbies Spain mid winter can be dull. Young locals will tell you that!

It is quiet, often chilly and many attractions are closed. I enjoy history and riding, I had tons of friends and my work so winters were not too bad. Would my teens enjoy it? Probably not. They enjoy iceskating, Christmas films, parties and Christmas events here with their friends. Most teens are happiest with their friends wherever they live. That’s the reality.