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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you are an overnight guest in someone's home do you treat the bedroom you're staying in as though it's one of the communal areas?

135 replies

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:32

Genuine question,

Am just back from staying with a friend in the states. So I was a guest in their apartment, had a bedroom of my own. The apartment is all on one level and 'my' room was tucked away right at the end so not off a main thoroughfare.

I only had a small carry on bag of stuff as only there for a long weekend, but I guess I had things out in the room. Not dirty socks or whatever, but stuff on the dressing table and maybe I'd draped my clothes over the back of the chair.

Anyway, she had visitors over and really told me off about my 'messy' bedroom and how I had to tidy it up as people were coming over and they'd be in there.

I'd honestly never heard of this before. If I have house guests I don't go in to their bedrooms while they're staying let alone ask them to pack away all traces of their stuff?

I ask genuinely if AIBU as I'm not sure if this is an American thing, a general thing or I am nbu to have expected that I could put my things out in the guest bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 23:09

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 23:07

I'n on the US West Coast and I've never heard of a guest's room being a public 'venue'. I'd think the only time might be (as others have noted) if it were a new house and the host wanted to show it off. But even then I can't imagine anyone being told to 'go clean your room', rather perhaps "Hey, some friends are coming and I'd like to show them the whole house, hope you don't mind but that includes your room".

When you speak of 'US Culture/US thing' please remember that the US is huge and what is 'normal' where I live may not be normal in the MidWest, the South, or the East Coast and can also be influenced by someone's ethnic heritage.

Thank you, I did clarify in a later post that this is Boston.

My friend is also of English heritage. She has English parents, just like me. She spent some time in the US when younger as a result of her parent marrying a US citizen, hence having a green card to live there now.

OP posts:
Underthere · 05/10/2024 23:08

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

Thank you that's helpful!!

She's a really old friend I've had since school but she grew up partly in the states and now lives there again. She's a bit odd with stuff like this and I don't know if it's cultural.

For e.g. 20 years ago when DH and I bought our first house she wanted a tour of it which is absolutely fine and accepted. Anyway, it was only a little 3 bed thing so I showed her around it with the exception of the box room as it had nothing in it except a clothes airer.

She then opened the door herself saying "what's in here?" Then proceeded to berate me for having underwear having up in there on the day of her visit. I mean? I didn't invite her to go in there and don't really understand her kind of 'access all areas' approach but I'm quite a private person hence why I ask.

That's so funny. She sounds very rude.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 23:07

I'n on the US West Coast and I've never heard of a guest's room being a public 'venue'. I'd think the only time might be (as others have noted) if it were a new house and the host wanted to show it off. But even then I can't imagine anyone being told to 'go clean your room', rather perhaps "Hey, some friends are coming and I'd like to show them the whole house, hope you don't mind but that includes your room".

When you speak of 'US Culture/US thing' please remember that the US is huge and what is 'normal' where I live may not be normal in the MidWest, the South, or the East Coast and can also be influenced by someone's ethnic heritage.

Delphiniumandlupins · 05/10/2024 23:06

I would give people a tour of a new house they hadn't seen before. Maybe some piece of refurbishment I was very proud of. I ask before going into a guest's bedroom and I would mention to an American friend (even though they are hosting me) that in the UK we find it very rude to go into someone else's private space without asking permission.

mindutopia · 05/10/2024 23:05

American here, this is definitely not a US thing. Your friend just sounds weird and uptight. I’ve never in my life given a houseguest a tour of the house, except for a handful of people when we bought our first house, but generally no one ever gets to see the bedrooms, that’s private. I think the only person who has ever seen the first floor our house is MIL because she has watched the dc overnight.

TortillaChipAddict · 05/10/2024 23:01

I once found a not very close friend in my bed on a house tour as he was looking for a new mattress and my husband, who was there with him, invited him to try the one we had just bought. I don’t like house guests to go into my bedroom never mind my bed
edited to add they were both fully dressed! Nothing untoward going on other than just seriously different ideas about boundaries to me

veggie50 · 05/10/2024 22:57

Lived many years in the states, knew they are a very house proud bunch but never thought they can be so rudely house proud! Learn something new everyday!

Mumwithbaggage · 05/10/2024 22:56

Note to self: if offered hospitality by friends in US, politely decline and book a hotel. I;m a messy person!

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:54

oldmanandtheangel · 05/10/2024 22:53

I've definitely had this staying with friends in America and told to go and tidy up the bedroom! but not with all... some have been extremely hospitable

Interesting!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:53

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/10/2024 22:50

I remember the house tour thing being a thing when I was a kid, but that may be because my parents had a big house, always in a state of refurb/demolish/who knows what... and so did most of their friends. Very few people we knew lived in small apartments or new build type properties (and there weren't so many of the latter around at the time). It does make more sense to give people a tour of the welsh chapel, schoolhouse or barn you're converting...

But no, a guests room is the guests room for their stay and the host asks if they may go in there, and they can spread their stuff all over if thats what floats their boat!

I totally get that, but I think if I had an overseas guest staying I'd say "and that's X's room for the weekend so we won't look in there today"

OP posts:
oldmanandtheangel · 05/10/2024 22:53

I've definitely had this staying with friends in America and told to go and tidy up the bedroom! but not with all... some have been extremely hospitable

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:51

Re: parts of the US it's Boston btw if that helps at all. She's definitely not on mumsnet so I'm happy to post it without fear of being outed.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 05/10/2024 22:50

I remember the house tour thing being a thing when I was a kid, but that may be because my parents had a big house, always in a state of refurb/demolish/who knows what... and so did most of their friends. Very few people we knew lived in small apartments or new build type properties (and there weren't so many of the latter around at the time). It does make more sense to give people a tour of the welsh chapel, schoolhouse or barn you're converting...

But no, a guests room is the guests room for their stay and the host asks if they may go in there, and they can spread their stuff all over if thats what floats their boat!

catwithflowers · 05/10/2024 22:49

I think your friend was very rude. We have lots of visitors to stay and I wouldn't dream of going into their bedrooms while they are guests in our home 😳

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:46

To be fair I've met a few brits who do the house tour thing and then you end up standing in their bedroom looking at their duvet thinking wtf am I seeing something so intimate? Which I guess they enjoy and i don't it just takes all sorts.

Like I say I'm a very private person and I don't want to see someone's bedroom.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 05/10/2024 22:44

RustyBear · 05/10/2024 22:38

I saw something on Instagram recently about the differences between the US & UK and apparently it’s a thing in some parts of the US to give visitors a tour of the whole house, including bedrooms. maybe that’s what she was planning to do?

Yes, this. The ‘whole house on view’ thing seems to be an American preoccupation.

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:44

thebigL · 05/10/2024 22:40

Yeah it'll be the US house tour thing, I expect.

Thank you! This is why I asked, that's helpful cheers. I'm not sure why she felt the need to shame me into the bargain but I guess it's just a cultural thing like them having whistling kettles on the stove

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:42

As stated in the OP it was a bedroom at the far end of the hallway, had no other function, led nowhere and to whoever asked it had no en suite. It's the spare room, with a bed. That's it.

She wasn't showing it to anyone else she just had some friends over but none of them were new to the property

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 05/10/2024 22:42

She sounds like an arsehole.

tulippa · 05/10/2024 22:41

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

She just went in there without me

Show quote history

That's rude.

TickingAlongNicely · 05/10/2024 22:40

Is it an ensuite, with the only other bathroom being their ensuite?

Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

tulippa · 05/10/2024 22:38

Did you keep your door wide open? If not, how does your host know what the state of the room is?

She just went in there without me

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

Thank you that's helpful!!

She's a really old friend I've had since school but she grew up partly in the states and now lives there again. She's a bit odd with stuff like this and I don't know if it's cultural.

For e.g. 20 years ago when DH and I bought our first house she wanted a tour of it which is absolutely fine and accepted. Anyway, it was only a little 3 bed thing so I showed her around it with the exception of the box room as it had nothing in it except a clothes airer.

She then opened the door herself saying "what's in here?" Then proceeded to berate me for having underwear having up in there on the day of her visit. I mean? I didn't invite her to go in there and don't really understand her kind of 'access all areas' approach but I'm quite a private person hence why I ask.

OP posts:
thebigL · 05/10/2024 22:40

Yeah it'll be the US house tour thing, I expect.

LIZS · 05/10/2024 22:40

Was it normally used as a bedroom or does ot have a particular purpose which requires access like an office ? Was there another reception room? I generally leave guest rooms alone when occupied,