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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you are an overnight guest in someone's home do you treat the bedroom you're staying in as though it's one of the communal areas?

135 replies

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:32

Genuine question,

Am just back from staying with a friend in the states. So I was a guest in their apartment, had a bedroom of my own. The apartment is all on one level and 'my' room was tucked away right at the end so not off a main thoroughfare.

I only had a small carry on bag of stuff as only there for a long weekend, but I guess I had things out in the room. Not dirty socks or whatever, but stuff on the dressing table and maybe I'd draped my clothes over the back of the chair.

Anyway, she had visitors over and really told me off about my 'messy' bedroom and how I had to tidy it up as people were coming over and they'd be in there.

I'd honestly never heard of this before. If I have house guests I don't go in to their bedrooms while they're staying let alone ask them to pack away all traces of their stuff?

I ask genuinely if AIBU as I'm not sure if this is an American thing, a general thing or I am nbu to have expected that I could put my things out in the guest bedroom.

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 06/10/2024 08:04

Ah well at least she doesn’t live nearby.

MikeRafone · 06/10/2024 08:02

Gosh, its the hight of bad manners to go in a guests bedroom unless you are taken try the guest.

DilemmaDelilah · 06/10/2024 07:59

Did she actually tell you off for having a messy room? Or did she ask you to tidy it up as she had guests coming over?

obviously a culture clash over the house tour thing... but very rude if she told you off!

TubeScreamer · 06/10/2024 07:55

That’s really weird.

Maria1979 · 06/10/2024 07:30

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:53

I totally get that, but I think if I had an overseas guest staying I'd say "and that's X's room for the weekend so we won't look in there today"

Show quote history

Absolutely! When we have overnight guests (only family but still) we treat is as their room even though it's DS room (he shares bunkbed with his brother for the duration). Even though it's family I respect their privacy and I ask them if it's OK to go in and fetch something I forgotten to take out. They have the right to a personal space during their stay. I would not visit your friend anymore. And it's not an american thing. When I was an aupair in the US the family told the children to not go into my room without knocking, it was my personal space. It's about good manners and respect.

TheDeepEagle · 06/10/2024 07:24

Not an American thing at all. I’m an American living in the US, and have never heard of “full house hours” being given to visitors. Neither would I want to have a full house tour as a guest somewhere. Your friend is weird. That’s all.

YesItsMe44 · 06/10/2024 07:22

It's not a US thing, speaking as an American. Yes good friends/family may like to tour your home, but only if you offer, and maybe when you'vemoved to a new home or had done some remodeling. I don't go into rooms where a guest is staying. That's beyond rude. I think you're friend is a bit strange.

MixedCouple2 · 06/10/2024 07:10

She should add a wardrobe then for your to hand your things and out your case away.
If there isn't that then she needs to not say anything.
It seems she just wants her house today and immaculate incase they walk by or need a room to make a private call?

thepariscrimefiles · 06/10/2024 07:02

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

Thank you that's helpful!!

She's a really old friend I've had since school but she grew up partly in the states and now lives there again. She's a bit odd with stuff like this and I don't know if it's cultural.

For e.g. 20 years ago when DH and I bought our first house she wanted a tour of it which is absolutely fine and accepted. Anyway, it was only a little 3 bed thing so I showed her around it with the exception of the box room as it had nothing in it except a clothes airer.

She then opened the door herself saying "what's in here?" Then proceeded to berate me for having underwear having up in there on the day of her visit. I mean? I didn't invite her to go in there and don't really understand her kind of 'access all areas' approach but I'm quite a private person hence why I ask.

Your friend was being really rude! Who goes into a bedroom with a closed door in someone else's home and scolds them for having washing drying on a clothes airer? The house tour may be an American thing but her rudeness is unacceptable.

chaosmaker · 06/10/2024 06:37

Nope, not an American thing. It's a your friend thing. @bluebirdholiday

Theonewhogotaway · 06/10/2024 06:16

Is the rest of the property really tidy? She may have some mental health issues surrounding neatness and cleanliness. If she’s otherwise a good friend, I’d let it slide. On the flip side I’m not sure I agree with you a duvet is intimate and one shouldn’t catch site of it. Seems you also have issues.

Twiglets1 · 06/10/2024 06:00

Your friend is weird

Momtotwokids · 06/10/2024 04:40

That is not an American thing but a rude thing. When you stay at a bed and breakfast you sometimes share a table and get to know other guests.

Happyhappyday · 06/10/2024 04:14

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:44

Thank you! This is why I asked, that's helpful cheers. I'm not sure why she felt the need to shame me into the bargain but I guess it's just a cultural thing like them having whistling kettles on the stove

Show quote history

Ummm, no! This is not a US house tour thing. This is your friend being a weirdo.

Overthehype · 06/10/2024 03:41

I’m American and from my perspective I and most people I know would consider a host marching guests through the bedroom allotted to you quite rude!
The only way I can see it being reasonable over here is if there was a “guest bathroom” that opened into the bedroom rather than the hall, and if other guests would need to use that. Beyond that, most of the people I am acquainted with might do the “house tour” but would leave certain doors closed and just wave at them. “And that’s the spare bedroom now let’s go have some coffee and tell me about your trip.”

Is the bedroom in question decorated in a unique way, recently renovated, or perhaps holding a special collection of carved wooden animals from Africa on a shelf… or some other thing that would cause the homestead to wish to display it to all, far and wide? Even then I’d think a nice little “heads up, I’d like to show x the y in your room later” would have been lovely on their part.

yipyipyop · 06/10/2024 03:33

She's an invasive weirdo

RickiRaccoon · 06/10/2024 03:28

She's unusual. It should be your private space. It can be hard to get everything arranged in a guest room, depending what storage etc is available. (Often I find there's no storage in guest rooms because the wardrobes and drawers are full of people's excess stuff so there's no choice but to spread out.)

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 06/10/2024 03:25

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:46

To be fair I've met a few brits who do the house tour thing and then you end up standing in their bedroom looking at their duvet thinking wtf am I seeing something so intimate? Which I guess they enjoy and i don't it just takes all sorts.

Like I say I'm a very private person and I don't want to see someone's bedroom.

@bluebirdholiday

since when was a duvet intimate???

I feel the weirdness is a 50:50 split here.

MumChp · 06/10/2024 03:17

bluebirdholiday · 05/10/2024 22:40

Thank you that's helpful!!

She's a really old friend I've had since school but she grew up partly in the states and now lives there again. She's a bit odd with stuff like this and I don't know if it's cultural.

For e.g. 20 years ago when DH and I bought our first house she wanted a tour of it which is absolutely fine and accepted. Anyway, it was only a little 3 bed thing so I showed her around it with the exception of the box room as it had nothing in it except a clothes airer.

She then opened the door herself saying "what's in here?" Then proceeded to berate me for having underwear having up in there on the day of her visit. I mean? I didn't invite her to go in there and don't really understand her kind of 'access all areas' approach but I'm quite a private person hence why I ask.

Are you that surprised of her reaction after that?
Tbh I would prefer a hotel.

honeyrider · 06/10/2024 02:11

She's just very rude, a rude host and also a rude house guest. She needs telling.

Not once when I've been a house guest in the US did any of my hosts behave in such a rude way and they never entered the room I was a guest in while I was there.

Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 06/10/2024 02:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ToNiceWithSpice · 06/10/2024 02:05

Your friends weird, not just because of how she treated you as her guest but the fact she opened a door at your house that she wasn't invited into by you and then had the nerve to berate you for having laundry in there! I'd have told her she was bonkers there and then

pikkumyy77 · 06/10/2024 01:39

Im American and I think its weird.

AGoingConcern · 06/10/2024 01:37

Did she "tell you off" or did she just ask you to tidy the room in advance of other guests arriving while she was hosting you on her wedding weekend?

I'm an American/UK dual citizen. I was taught that
-A host should be gracious and generous, prioritizing guest comfort and giving privacy as much as possible while avoiding saying anything that might make them feel unwelcome
-A guest should be impeccably tidy, minimizing imposition and respecting the norms of the home

So basically if I you were my guest I would simply shut the bedroom door and never say a word about tidyness. But if I were staying in your home I would keep the bed made, my belongings in my suitcase or the wardrobe/dresser, and immediately make whatever changes were asked of me with no fuss.

suki1964 · 06/10/2024 01:29

Guests in my home are shown their room and left to do whatever they like in there, live out of suitcases or unpack - their choice.

I also knock before I enter

Im also fortunate that I can offer up the use of a bathroom for their sole use - same rules apply - its for their use, if they want to leave their toiletries everywhere - up to them

If Im having friends around visiting at the same time as having house guests and rooms are a pig sty, so be it. Id never make a house guest feel embarressed or uncomfortable