To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

Some of us are- my mother and I have disabilities caused directly by illness.

Disabled people aren't sick.

I think it’s ok, mines definitely asked me before, I just said quietly that sometimes peoples legs don’t always work the same as hers and thats fine because we are all different aren’t we? and that it’s not nice to talk about people in front of them but she can ask me questions later.

"Some people can't walk very well. That's why they use cool wheelchairs instead". Never frame disability or mobility aids as a bad thing. It dehumanises the person.

First thing to teach them is 'its not polite to point or make comments about people when they can hear you. Wait and ask us later'.
Second thing is 'some people use a wheelchair or sticks to get around, or look a bit different. Its not a big deal.'

Interesting. In my experience I would say that is not the case. Why should it be acceptable to question someone, just trying to get on with their day, to satisfy someone else's curiosity. After that person's curiosity is sated, they then just move casually on, without a moment's thought to how their question could have affected the person being asked. I am not talking about young children, who obviously would not understand this. As has been mentioned on this thread there are a wealth of books that parents can access to teach their children about things like disabilities, racism etc.

Please read the replies by families with disabled children in this thread. It is NOT OK for total strangers (of any age) to question someone's private health information. We wouldn't dream of telling our child to ask you or yours about your private health issues so why is it ok to do it to our children?! Our child's health is not a teaching moment for other people's children. We wouldn't approach your family out the blue and discuss your child's body with them, please don't do it to my child!

I'm a wheelchair user myself. I wouldn't be offended by what you said but I'd avoid it in the future. There are many reasons to use a wheelchair and a lot have nothing to do with "legs not working". Mine are fine and I can swim for hours and love an exercise bike, but due to a spinal injury I can't bear weight on my legs for more than a min or two without extreme pain.

My cousin uses a chair as he gets overstimulated being out in public and having a safe space (his chair) helps him cope. Another friend has hers due to extreme balance issues.

I'm fine with little kids asking me questions and tend to just be honest with them (though if they ask if it hurts I'll lie and say no).

Ah see this is a strange misconception.
The options are not only "stare and whisper" or "just ask". There is in fact a secret third option, which is "treat us like you'd treat any other stranger in public".
Someone up thread said a rule of thumb was whether they'd talk to this person if they weren't disabled, which is good.
If your kid asks about someone's body in public, you can give a short factual explanation and then you teach them that talking about other people's bodies is not polite. The same as for any other characteristic. Disabled people are not an exception in this respect.
You can learn about disability without turning every disabled person you or your children meet into a teaching moment.

On the whole, in my experience, people with differences and disabilities prefer people/kids to just ask rather than be stared at or whispered about.

I would have said 'some people need help getting around so they use a wheelchair' and moved the conversation on casually.

I probably would have said something like "Legs probably don't work so well" or "Maybe they don't walk easily" and leave it at that. Factual. Trying to explain neurological issues or many other reasons why people use wheelchairs to a 3 year old sounds like a very tall order. I don't know that my three olds would have been articulate enough to understand "body doesn't work like yours", they need more tangible reasons.

Joining in with all the others to say I think you did a good job with your wording in an on-the-spot off-the-cuff answer (you didn’t say his legs didn’t work, but that they didn’t work like hers did, as in the same way hers do; I cannot imagine my disabled relative taking offense to that).
What I can imagine bothering my sweet and outgoing disabled relative - and their relatives - is the hushing and shushing and head-hanging and guiding away from the scene. A clear bright smile, a “yes, isn’t that a cool-looking wheelchair”, and a factual explanation is far less embarrassing to many people than avoidance/embarrassment/shame.

No- being disabled is just a state of being.

There aren’t lots of very abled disabled people- the nature of disability is that it’s disabling in some way. There are lots of disabled people who can do all sorts of things, but if they are disabled then by definition there is something they can’t do or is harder for them.

Loads of wheelchair users can walk.

Kids can be blunt when it comes to stuff like this.

My DP is autistic, and spends a lot of time in our local cafe. He WFH, so it it a break for him.
A lot of people and families are regulars there.
Recently, he overheard a young boy said to his mum, "that is the weird man" (was pointing at my DP), and she replied "yes, it is".
Acting "weird" can be due to a hidden disability too. Kids should be taught about that as well.

Kids often understand things best when you can describe it in terms of something they already know about. Explain that all bodies are different, and there are all kinds of wonderful machines and inventions for when someone’s body needs some extra help. An awful lot of people need help because they can’t see very well, and those people wear glasses (your DC almost certainly knows a few people who wears glasses, so you can mention them). A smaller number of people can’t walk very well, and choose to use a wheelchair or a scooter so they can get about and do things.

Try to make it about how the person uses a tool to help them see/hear/get around/etc. It’s generally good to teach DC that physically disabled people have agency, and have chosen to make use of prosthetic or medical devices as a way to enable them to do things.

It’s also ideal not to make it into an “us and them” thing, which is why talking about glasses is useful - wearing glasses is so common that it gives the (correct!) impression that it’s actually pretty normal to have some kind of external help with our bodies. It’s not about the disabled person being “sick” or “unhealthy”.

I have a hearing loss so would say to my son 'They have a wheelchair to help them get around just like I have hearing aids to help me hear.' If asked why, I'd simply say that everyone is different. Then wouldn't let the conversation continue within hearing of the person in the wheelchair.

He's never asked, though, I suppose because of my own disabilities (I'm ND too) meaning I've tried to instill in him the understanding that being around people different to him is just a natural part of life.

I’m agree with this entirely. My daughter has a limb difference and was getting tired and upset of being repeatedly asked about it - particularly at school. The book “What Happened to You” really helped. We also donated a copy to the school library for them to read/ discuss with the kids.

I just want to add to those who suggest parents should encourage their child to ask about a person's disability - my DD was not born disabled, she ended up with life changing disabilities (both very visible and invisible) following a serious illness that nearly killed her at a young age. I would never let on to anyone (especially her) but I also have PTSD from living through it as her mum, helpless to save her from the suffering. She looks "healthy" but has to battle with multiple complex medical issues every day and at times says to us she doesn't want to be here. Looks and questions from strangers is the last thing she needs. OP @AmandaPleaseDotCom thank you for asking. I can't speak for every family, but for us my ideal would be for parents to normalise disability and differences of all sorts at home through books, children's TV programmes etc. If a child starts asking questions within hearing of my DD I would want the parent to calmly/quietly explain that we don't make comments about anyone's bodies in front of them because it is rude. If the child persisted I would want the parent to (calmly) remove them child from earshot and reinforce the message around manners, and explain that they will discuss it elsewhere/at home. By all means, if my DD makes friends with other children and decides to explain her disabilities in a way that she is comfortable doing, then that is great and it is her information to share in her own way, at a time of her choosing. We have implemented training sessions in school for her entire year group, that she requested and helped plan, so it's not something we shy away from, but it has to be on her terms.

What Happened to You? by James Catchpole is a great introduction to talking to children about disability. Or Mama Car.

Children are curious theu ask., just be factual
My son is severely autistic, non verbal etc ,my next door neighbours son saw me picking him up off school transport and said I know why he goes on thst bus it's because he's disabled, and I said yes your right
He wssent being rude he ,d only about 7 just pointing out the truth I have no issue with that.

And in this thread you’ll see numerous people all saying the absolute opposite. So I err on the side of caution.

I wouldn’t shush my child (I’d give them a very basic answer myself and then tell them we’d talk more about it at home) but I’m not going to encourage or allow them to ask complete strangers for personal information.

My child has a (much less immediately visible) disability. It’s not shameful, it’s not some dirty secret, but it is personal information. Happy to share it in the context of a relationship, or even a lengthy chat, but very much not happy for it to be the first or only thing we talk about. So I give parents of more visibly disabled children and the children themselves the same courtesy I would expect unless they indicate they want to talk about it. And as for “differently special”… nope.

That doesn’t mean I don’t encourage my kids to interact with someone disabled or using a mobility aid if that would be appropriate (rule of thumb - “is this a situation where I’d talk to this person if they weren’t disabled”), but there are other things to say or talk to them about than their disability!

My DD is a wheelchair user.

I'm constantly asked what's the best thing to say.

I use to say " It helps her get around more easily", however I found that was always followed up with a "Why" so for us what works is "Her legs don't work as well as yours".

Kids always accept this and are more interested in chatting to DD or they'll just skip off .

Now not everyone is the same, I've been caught out myself while at something and say the wrong thing to someone, so what works for one doesn't necessarily mean it'll work for everyone.

The main thing is, if your child asks a question don't shush them or pretend not to hear them, yes it can catch you off guard just like any of the questions kids like to ask loudly 😂

Parents//carers really don't mind hearing a child ask questions, it's how they learn, they don't mind them looking some will stare but they really don't realise they are staring they're curious.

For some reason and I really don't know why this is and it's the same for many, we really dislike adults staring, I guess we feel they know better not to stare, some days it can really wind me up, I had gone to cafe for lunch with 2 sisters and dd, picked a table away from everyone for more space, empty tables in 80% of the cafe and a man and his ds sat right next to us, I actually had to move the wheelchair to let him get into his seat and the 2 of them sat and stared the whole time, it was so uncomfortable, i have had bad days and not being nice saying to take a picture it'll last longer 😳 but that's when people just keep staring for ages.

I have found myself out without DD and will see a wheelchair and will look but I'm actually checking out the wheelchair make and what they have on theirs and seeing if there's something that'd work on DDS chair and I love checking out any fancy things they have added but I need to remind myself that it comes across as staring so I end up getting flustered and kicking myself for making them feel uncomfortable.

NO! Please, please DO NOT do this! Our DD has visible disabilities and finds it extremely upsetting and intrusive when asked about her private medical information by total strangers of any age. It is inappropriate, her health is no one else's business and NOT a teaching opportunity. We have had so many family days out intruded on by questions from complete strangers when we are just trying to enjoy lunch in a cafe. It just makes her feel that she stands out from "normal" people, many children/adults don't want to be constantly made to feel that they look different. Teach children about disability but also please teach them that it is rude to comment on other peoples bodies in front of them (disabled or not) and that you will discuss it/look at books etc at home/later.