I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen
have you spoken to him about it? Maybe speaking about this with him you might be able to come up with a plan to sort this?

Your alternative is LTB or accept this will never change and resentment will grow.

That’s why you have to focus it on the things that only affect him. No washing his clothes, no making his tea, no topping up his stuff when it runs low.

It’s not your fault, but if he hasn’t worked out by now that he’s a negligent parent and an uncaring husband, he’s not going to do so by himself any time soon. That’s why, even though it’s not your fault, you need to do something if you want it to change. It’ll be (relatively) short-term pain for long-term gain. Or you just carry on like this until you blow up and leave him, or until you’re 65 and wonder why you spent your life like this.

But OP doesn't want to do this. She's worried her children will be neglected by their father, her dh so she has to do it all while hating that she has to do it all. So I don't know where it leaves us.

OP, condolences I guess. There nothing else to say since everything requires you to do something. You can bring your dh here and we'll tear him a new one and tell him what he should do...but that also requires you to do something first (bringing him here). So...

And it's additional labour/responsibility, the op having to list and outline all the stuff that needs to happen

How comes her DH doesn't know and realise all this??

Weaponised incompetence

What would happen, @Thisiswhathappenedwhen , if you were to say to him that he had to do a task and that there would be no option for you to pick up the slack? Eg, if it were to genuinely be his responsibility to prepare a lunch box, and he knew that without him doing it, his children would go hungry.

Would he try? If it's a case of him not having skills or knowledge, these can be learned. He can choose to learn about the planning that goes into it - I'm guessing he's been able to learn how to do far more complicated things than plan, make and pack a lunch box.

Or would he not bother or half-ass it deliberately to avoid the responsibility? In which case, there's little scope for remediation.

One way to find out could be to involve pre-school in his 'training'. Get him to do some drop-offs and have the pre-school aware that on those days, he is the 'default' first point of contact for any issues with food, clothing, hygiene, etc. If you know the staff well enough, you could explain to them that it's his first time doing things like getting clothing ready and making lunch boxes, so if there are any issues, eg no lunch, do they have ways to help, like sandwiches or spare wellies available?

Even if he completely fails to make a packed lunch or to take wellies or brush her teeth, it won't be a disaster. She won't be the first child to experience those, nor would she be the last. No decent pre-school will leave a child hungry, some will have spare toothbrushes/toothpaste for toothbrushing after meals there, and spare wellies are pretty common.

You need to make it clear that you’re expecting the labour to be divided up equally. If my husband was like this I don’t think we’d stay together. Not saying yours is wrong but I just expect ours to be equal.

Write lists together. Sit down and go through the jobs together and what each actually involves. Then ask him which days he wants to do which jobs.

I think a lot of women feel like the op does

You really do sound like a martyr. You're not focusing on the ideas some pp are giving you but on the "Woe is me" feeling that some posts have given you while not wanting to do anything about things. Perhaps you made this post to vent and not for solutions. Perhaps you wanted us to just say "Men! That's what they're like" like you've accepted all your friend's dh/dp are like (interesting group of friends btw).

You need do either do something about this problem you have (your dh) or not.

"Go and ask daddy to help you with xyz while I am doing this"
"Dh please could you brush her teeth while I pack the bag"
"Dh please could you sort out bathtime while I clear up dinner"

It doesn't have to be a massive discussion, just an insidious transfer of responsibilities. After a while you should be able to stop asking 😉

If he’s seriously that bad I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

You are right, it is hard and you have all my sympathy. Start by going out at weekends so he HAS to be the default parent and make decisions about their care. If he’s never had to be a careful dad he won’t just magically become one. you deserve a break! Xx

You talk to him. Tell hi. He'll be responsible for x, y and z. My oh was a bit shit with dc1 and I kept on at him until he started doing certain things, shouldn't have had to but I did and he is good with the children now! If you do everything and keep quiet of course they will let you do it all (as shitty as that is!) X

It is NOT your fault OP.

You want the best for your children, so you make sure it is done properly,

It’s ok saying to OP “you need to train him to do X, Y and Z” but doesn’t OP have enough to do raising her children and now everyone is expecting an additional person?! Why is the woman always blamed or given extra work?

And it’s the thinking! It’s all well and good saying “you make lunch and I’ll do bath time” but if he doesn’t actually think or notice things like having no bread left for example, what choice does she have but to do it or have her DH send her kids without?

I know this another post with stuff you need to do.

If anything, it's not something for her to do. It actually is something for her to stop doing. It should give her less to do so she focuses on herself and kids.

I agree with the rest of the post BTW.

Does your husband do anything at all except provide an income?

Just don’t answer when they call then they will ring him

Assuming you can trust him to drive them around safely!!

Ok not read the thread. But I am from the future. Mine are teenagers. I did all the default parent stuff when they were small and DH picked everything else up.

So now they are grown, I don’t need to do that shit. DH still does all the cooking, laundry, diy, garden stuff, car stuff. We both work at 70% and I paid into my pension all those years.

it’s not forever. It is for a long time. But you could load him up with all the other stuff and he keeps it forever

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen

You’re making excuses and you know it.

I work 15 mins from school so I collect if necessary. That’s just practicality. It doesn’t mean he’s not pulling his weight elsewhere.

We share sick days, lunches, bath time, bed time. Give each other lie ins etc.