I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

How can you be attracted to someone like that? Or have more than one child with him knowing what an utterly shit father he is?

If he would genuinely allow your children to starve or drown in the bath then you have bigger problems.

Did he know how to run a house before you got together or has he always been useless?

Sorry..perhaps I misunderstood..your partner travels two hours each way to work?

So basically train her toddlers/small children and let them teach her DH? Maybe she should get him a star chart and some Well Done stickers for every day he doesn't drown a toddler.

The bar is so low for men.

Absolutely with you on this!

There is so much my other half brings to the family that I can’t bring. It’s just the actual mental load of running a family is not one of them, which is extremely hard and frustrating in the early days isn’t it.

He’s reasonable at doing things if directed and is certainly very hard working / not lazy with things that need doing.

I suppose every family looks different and the balance might not reflect other families. But I do understand that when one person finds it difficult, that’s when a change needs to happen somewhere.

Some men seem to manage to function very well in the workplace and then manage a level of incompetence they would tolerate at work at home .

my husband is normally a competent grownup when it comes to the children but has form for pushing his luck a bit but I just don’t tolerate it at all. For the early years I commuted and we had to share pick up and drop-offs and was actually often better at getting the kids out of the door in time than I was.

We did however have many discussions about hair as he tried to get me to do it by default as I was a woman so naturally better at hair for girls. I refused to be the only one that could do hair and he can now do a passable ballet bun for their classes. He’ll probably never manage plaits but he is at least vaguely competent whereas If i’d pandered to it, it would have always been me.

At some point unless you’ve both got annual leave coming out of your ears he’ll need to be looking after the children in the school holidays on his own without being useless.

Was he like this before you had kids or did everything fall to you then as well?

I’m in the process of leaving a marriage where I have done everything & turned myself inside out to put my child first, have a clean home and healthy food on the table, tried to get STBXH to step up, made my peace with him doing things badly or not at all, had counselling, saw next to no improvement. We had other issues too but this was a big one. BUT to everyone saying LTB it doesn’t feel like it’s definitely the answer. He’s now pretending to be dad of the year. And going forward it looks like I’ll still be doing most of everything & he will be a nightmare & neglectful coparent. BUT at least I won’t have to do anything for him any more. And I hope to resent him less and be freer in my own mind on the other side of this. I wouldn’t have left if it was just this & I am v worried about the impact on my child, but it was certainly a big factor.

I have found the trick is to get the kids involved. Let them lead... so set DD up with a picture list of all the things she needs to have by the door - preschool implies 3yrs old? so I am thinking she is old enough to find her coat, shoes etc. Then you ask Her to get her things ready - get daddy to help you... That builds the independance in them too.

Lunchbox is harder for smalls but can you do a picture again and get her to get the crisps, fruit etc out if you do the sandwich. It will add to the time initially but it will pay off in the medium term.

In terms of he bath I would be explicit with him - "can you do bath and yes that means you have to stay in the room" If you see hes not there call him back, tell him again its dangerous to leave a baby in the bath alone etc.

I know what you are saying - I have teens and the challenges are the same but different. Training the kids has definately helped.

Whole heatedly agree. My dh is the most disorganized person on the planet. He also barely eats. So it never occurs to him to think about food in advance. Or packing a bag with waterproofs. They aren't his strength. But we are a partnership. So he does other things like bedtime/bath time/crazy games with lots of heavy lifting. And DH changes the alternator in the car, floors the loft, builds a log cabin. All things I equally can't do.
I get frustrated sometimes. But then I watch him under the car in winter changing the oil in the car and remember, we have different strengths.

So how does he function at work?

I'd stop making excuses for him

I'd either leave him or kick him out.

And he can explain to everyone exactly why

Then withdraw labour from him - you don't have time

Stop doing anything that is for his benefit. Be it shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, any mental load that is about him

Then tell him why

He's a fully grown adult male. Is he this inept at work?

Vanishes to where?
Why?
Is he stupid? Does he not realise the danger?

OP - maybe get him to read this thread? Talking to him about the issues clearly isn’t getting through, maybe he’ll take it more on board if he read about these issues/his failings.

I don't think people are saying it's your fault but that you need to make him want to change.

Don't you interact outside child-related issues? Every time you are with him you need to bring it up and make it his problem. When he's trying to enjoy his gaming, talk about how this needs sorting instead. When he wants sex, talk about how this needs sorting instead. Right now, he doesn't have a problem. Life is good. You need to make it a problem that he wants to fix.

He's a terrible parent.

If you weren't there he would HAVE to do it. It's weaponised incompetence.

Your husband sounds like a horrible excuse of a husband and a neglectful parent. If my DH would let my child go hungry and dirty, and would leave them in the bath to drown, then I'd be leaving the neglectful incompetent twit. Why would you stay with someone who is stupid enough to leave his own kids to potentially drown in the bath and forget they are in there?

A slightly older third child would be more helpful than he is being. It is pure, unadulterated weaponised incompetence.

Your life would be easier without him, to be frank, if this is how things are going to remain.

What a useless excuse for a man, husband and father... I despair reading about these wastes of space.
Op, leave him. You'll still be doing everything but less resentful.

“You’re not pulling your weight. From now on you make lunches, take dd1 to school and collect. You do bath time. Making lunches means you have to buy ingredients in advance and have clean lunchboxes. Doing bath time means not leaving the children unattended, at any point.”

I get it OP. The mental labour of having to direct someone to do tasks and knowing he'll cock it up somehow, either through not giving enough of a shit to do it properly or through deliberate ineptitude so they won't be asked again.

Honestly? I left mine. There were other issues of course, but now I do everything myself and somehow it's easier than not having to rely on someone else who will invariably fuck it up or disappoint me.

I started accepting business trips of 1-2 weeks and that put a stop to this shit. Once a dad is a single dad for a week, he then has no excuse of “I didn’t realise packed lunches require bread” and not doing his share when you are back. Once back divide work up evenly and clearly. Like whoever cooks dinner doesn’t do bath and bedtime.

Agree! I really need to know how this ends - do they pretend nothing happened? Does he kick off when she says something? I don't understand this situation and how it's a thing.

I think the reason people get frustrated with this, is because it's true - the majority of women DO feel this way. Why? Because we are conditioned to take this role on, men are conditioned to do fuck all.

It's infuriating, and what happens is what has happened to you (and many other women) where when you have kids, the default is you do everything. The man works, and isn't really involved. But the then the dye is cast, and the your roles have been defined. And it's very hard to change once the kids are a bit older and you want to go back to work or whatever. And because it's so common, women think that this is just the way it is, and there's a resigned acceptance.

I don't think people are frustrated at you personally, just how shit it is that this is bloody default. And how bloody common it is.

You delegate a WHOLE job to your DH.

I suggest menu planning (all meals), food shopping inc putting it away and all meal prep & cooking. Don't step in and save him.

Sure check "have you done the packed lunches for tomorrow" but if there is no xyz he goes out.

It took time for my DH to actually cook veg and stuff other than freezer food but he got there.

If he works later than you he'll have to make it the evening before for you to reheat.