I’m the default parent - but AIBU to think you can’t really address this without harming the child?

I hate these threads because the gist is usually you’re a martyr or you need to train your dh. You’re up to your tonsils with work, childcare and mental load, and should take on the training and management of an unwilling apprentice on top of all that. Or else accept that you’re a martyr and accept your MN bashing 🙄

It’s such a frustrating situation OP and absolutely poisonous to marriage in the long run because the resentment will sour everything. There’s nothing that will seal your fanny shut faster than a man who can’t be bloody trusted with his own dc.

If it hasn’t been mentioned yet, check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (the card game is a clever visual kick up the arse - particularly if your dh agrees in principle to the concept of equality ) and Google “Sam Kelly Notice and Do” (she’s more about getting kids helping but her concept about shifting the mental load is important for DH’s too). Yes, I’m essentially advising training him, but at least these two have done some of the thinking for you.

Leaving this here: https://www.fairplaylife.com
Might be useful to spark ideas for approaches and conversations.there is even a card game!

I would ask him to run the bath .Be out of the way doing sandwiches .Next week do it differently.Makes it harder in the long run for him to get away with it.I disagree with men not noticing Im afraid .

As a starting point @Thisiswhathappenedwhen have a full conversation and explain that he needs to step up a bit and share tasks in the mornings.

If he "can't remember" to do basic things, you could try an app like Tody. It is mostly for keeping on top of the housework, but you can create a new "area" for each child and customise a list of all the tasks that need to be done (breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, comb hair, get dressed, make lunch, water bottle, book bag, spare clothes, wellies...),. Synch it with your partner so you can both see what needs to be done or you can assign tasks so that it comes up as a list on his phone that he can tick off and he can see what needs doing without you having to tell him or him having ask. You can set it up so that once you have done the task, the next time it will be his turn so you can alternate each child.

Well you're right that you're stuck with being the default parent. He's got used to how it is and his expectations are set, or he can see that things are not equal and he doesn't care, or is too lazy to make any changes. This is not going to sort itself on its own. And whatever you do now it's not going to be sorted overnight.

But you have choices. Accept it as it is or do something about it. What are the tasks that he will find simplest to do (as a first step)? Make dinner 3 nights a week while you make packed lunches and sort the dc clothes and bags for the next day? Or make the pack lunches while you do the bath - so at least you're not resentful.

I do feel you're making excuses why you can't do any of the things that other posters have suggested. You seem to have it firmly in your mind that your dc will be 'harmed' if you leave things to your dh. While you hold on to that you're not going to find it easy to let go and let him muddle his own way through.

Once I decided not to get DS’s bag ready for nursery and told DH just as he was walking out the door with him, cue a mad stress to get it sorted. Afterwards he dared to say to me ‘we need to be more organised, we can’t not have his bag ready’ - to which I asked whether it had ever not been ready in three years, and whether during those three years he had ever got it sorted himself. He conceded the ping and it’s been 50/50 ever since then with that. We regularly discuss the whole default parent thing but I feel like my DH only properly realises it when the point is demonstrated right in front of him

What is his job? Does his boss micromanage or is he more than capable managing himself? I am betting is just sees the slog of parenting the children as something you will do so why should he bother? You certainly aren't making him do it.

You have been given lots of solutions on here and you are still fighting every suggestion. If you were hospitalised tomorrow he would have to step up and do it all so start delegating now so that you off load some responsibility to him to parent his own children. It isn't rocket science or surgery you are asking him to do. If you bite the bullet now you won't be carrying this load forever, instead you could have a partner.

Contempt is a marriage killer.

Wow your husband is useless

Have you had a conversation about the division of labour?

I can’t stand men like this, they’re a waste of fucking space.

Today ive made the kids breakfast, taken one to an activity, done some DIY, cleaned a bathroom, done a fair bit of general washing up, and cooked dinner for myself and two kids as my wife was going out tonight. None of that is remotely unusual or needs a song and dance made about it, it’s just normal life in a family with young kids.

Guys who apparently can’t be trusted to look after their own children, or can’t open a few cupboards to check what needs buying really shouldn’t be given the opportunity to reproduce!

There’s no point you both sitting in bathroom while they have a bath? Take turns. Today you do it DH then make yourself unavailable. Take turns each week to be in charge of food shopping. Personally I don’t have an issue running the house badly as my DH works ridiculous hours. You need to divide it up as to what is fair for your circumstances.

Well you need to tell him - you are doing bedtime tonight. You cannot wander off because one of them could die. If you can’t listen to that then leave right now because I’m not living with someone who openly neglects our children.

I'm really sorry for you OP.

It's definitely not your fault. Your husband does sound SPECTACULARLY crap though - to the point of negligence, if you think he really might leave little children unattended in the bath.

This is bloody exhausting for you.

It honestly could be less stress if you were a single parent. At least then you wouldn't have the resentment that you most feel (I bloody would too).

How will you ever leave the DC for a weekend, travel for work, have a bit of independence outside of family life?

This just sounds so sad. I don't know how you'd find him attractive in any way. This would just drag me down. 😢😢😢

Was he competent in any way before kids?

Unfortunately I know a parent who is so careless they wouldn't think about leaving a child in the bath because they get distracted by their own thoughts e.g wanting to just do something quickly on the computer. It's stupid and dangerous and I don't know how my friend puts up with it!

If he genuinely would let his children be hungry/neglected/in danger (left alone in the bath), then I can't see a solution beyond ending the marriage. How could you stay with him if he cares so little about his children?

If he is just lazy and waits around for you to do everything but would step up if necessary, then I'd take a different tack. I would sit down with him and together write in detail every single thing that has to be done on a daily basis. Divide the tasks equally. If he refuses to participate, that would show clearly his priorities. And I would end the marriage.

He works 2 hours from your child's nursery? So he does a 4-hour roundtrip commute every day? Or is that just an occasional occurrence?

I wasn't clear if you meant he said he'd bath them but then wander off or if he wandered off once he'd got them in the bath. If it's the latter you need to go nuclear. With the pack lunch and nursery thing you are catastrophising that asking him to do this will end up with your DC getting kicked out of nursery. I think that's why people are getting cross with you. You tell him he is doing it and that means thinking about what food you've got. After a month if he has repeatedly fucked it up you take over again and tell him to take his sorry lazy ass out of your house. You then find a solicitor and divorce him.

Sounds like he's checked out of being a dad and husband

So is the problem that in the past he's not done it the way you trust/like so you've always taken over and he now knows you will step in? Tell him bathing the kids means staying with them getting them out and dressed, if that's what you feel you need to say or tell him while your bathing the kids I'm popping out X slips over so stay in the bathroom.

@Thisiswhathappenedwhen I don’t have children through choice but I know exactly how my DH would be if we did have children. He would adore them, play with them and love them but I have no doubt I would be the default parent. He wouldn’t remember which day was PE, or that this Saturday was a birthday party, or parents evening was coming up. He would take responsibility for bed time if asked but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t take the initiative. His heart would be in the right place but he’s easily distracted, does not cope well with lack of sleep and I have no doubt I would pick up the slack and might end up feeling resentful. He wouldn’t be lazy though, if asked he would help, if he saw I was struggling he’d take over, we’d talk about it and he would listen to me, it wouldn’t be 50/50 but I’d know that going in. I can predict all this because I know him, I know how he is with caring for pets, interacting with children in our family and how he operates in general. Fortunately it’s not something I need to worry about as it’s not part of our lives.

I think a lot of people are often naive in becoming parents and don’t realise that traits that exist in a person before having babies are likely exacerbated once they become a parents. This isn’t a blanket rule, obviously becoming a parent can be the making of some people but the majority still have whatever shortcomings they had previously, only now they are highlighted, harder to overlook, money is tighter and everyone is tired. This isn’t to say the way your DH is behaving is acceptable but more to consider whether the traits he’s showing have been there all along. I suppose it doesn’t make much difference because you are where you are but understanding if this has always been his true nature might help you understand the situation better.

You say you have friends in a similar position and that’s really sad and definitely no excuse for your DH’s behaviour as like others have said there are plenty of dads who do far more than their fair share.

I don’t know what the solution is, you are correct that you shouldn’t have to explain or give instructions and your children shouldn’t have to suffer for you to prove a point. So what are you left with? If you continue as you are you either build resentment and damage your relationship or you accept the situation for what it is and make peace with it. The alternative is to speak to him about it.

As you mentioned you’ve spoken to him before and it’s made no difference I would suggest marriage counselling. He would hopefully be more inclined to listen and take on board what you are saying and hopefully make changes to improve the situation.

You will need to train him and ask him I think, it sounds like you have done it all for x amount of years and he has just bumbled around oblivious. My OH is a bit oblivious about what needs doing so I will say to him I'm going to do x, can you do y. You also have to agree a minimum standard to whatever it is he is doing and then resist the temptation to re do it or say oh you should have done it like this etc. If he is bathing the kids for example, minimum could be stay in the room with them and wash their hair. If they are in there for more or less time than you would bath them for then it doesn't matter and if he puts them in the wrong pyjamas, it doesn't matter,you have to relinquish some control which is hard when you've been juggling everything and managing it. My grandson went to school the other day and it was the day some of the children went horseriding as a treat. My daughter didn't know it was on that day or didnt see the message so he went to school in his normal clothes and with no wellies. It was pouring with rain, he got wet, his school shoes got muddy but he survived and loved it! It's not the end of the world if something gets forgotten on occasion 😀

It looks like there are a couple of alternatives here.

Either decide that you're going to do all child related things because you can't trust him. Leave him to do things that you're not anxious about like make dinner in exchange. Make sure it's formally agreed. Get him to take on part of the mental load that way. Some people have already suggested this.

Or explain to him what you want him to do and get him to do it. Requires teaching and reminding but he might get there. Lots of people have suggested this.

The problem with the first is that it seems to me you're fed up with the morning routine anyway so you're feeling resentful about it. That makes it harder work for you, so even if he does pick up things you'll still feel you're doing more. The problem with the second is that it sounds as though you have mismatched expectations about domestic duties... for example the way to do a child's hair or when the kitchen needs tidying.

You might need to do some more talking and have several chats about this, because I suspect that he might say, if asked, that he doesn't do stuff because he knows he won't do it to your satisfaction. If you're bathing the children he wanders off because he doesn't see it needs two of you (whereas you want him there because two children need to be got out of the bath), for example.

Is there anything he's good at, in your opinion? It can be really wearing to feel you're not good at looking after your own children and if men are lazy they can naturally use this as an excuse to stop doing stuff.

I think the problem is not that he's "naturally lazy" or "incompetent " it's that you feel alone in looking after the children and alone in seeing what their needs are, and you two need to reconnect and talk about that before anything is going to change.

I could not be attracted to a man like this. I'm genuinely worried how he manages to hold down a job.

But you've been passive so he's going to expect to get away with it I'd tell him I'm exhausted and need him to step up and do things properly like supervise baths and get kids ready for bed, I need you to cook dinner to do the shopping or whatever.
Why wasn't he doing stuff from day one?

Where’s your anger? That’s what you need to find, IMO.

Unfortunately, this is another area where misogyny/sexism are getting in your way - women are socialised not to get angry, to try and placate, appease, communicate - none of which works with a selfish, useless tosser like your DH appears to be atm.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be such a shit parent and partner. How crap that he doesn’t care about your or his kids enough to pull his weight. And I totally take your point about not wanting to just leave him to it because your DC will suffer.

He’s doing this because he’s getting away with it; because he can.

So maybe you need to make his life uncomfortable enough that he realises he can’t. Stop playing nice. Start being as angry as the situation warrants (pretty damn angry). Don’t fall into the role of the nice wifey; be angry. Let him know you’re angry. Don’t back down. This is on him, only he can change his behaviour but he won’t if you don’t change yours.

Obvs I’m not talking about screaming rows in front of your DC. But you need to make your displeasure very clearly seen and felt, one way or another. Let him know just how appalled you are by his lack of interest in stepping up, how disappointed you are, how let down you feel, and how much he is hurting you - the person he’s supposed to love - by not doing his share.

You will probably find this very hard to do. It will take some perseverance. You can’t just give him a rocket and then slip back into being nice, compliant wifey. You have to let him know this is not good enough and you have to mean it. And no more nice, loving wife for him until he gets his act together.

Hopefully if you can find it within yourself to do that, it will give him the jolt he needs. If it doesn’t, then you really have to think seriously about whether you want to stay in this relationship, let your DDs see you modelling this.

Good luck.

If you don’t trust him to make a ham sandwich for a lunchbox or safely bath 2 kids then why are you with him? I couldn’t love or be with someone so feckless and incompetent. Clearly he is capable of driving, holding down a job, so he can think and plan ahead he just chooses not to engage with his family. Honestly LTB he is a disgrace

The other option is the children suffer. Yes she could leave it for him to do, but if he doesn't care or place value on certain things then likely the children's reading wouldn't be done, their lunch would be unhealthy and wellies etc would be forgotten for school.