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Original poster

MY birthday / HIS mother

190 replies

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:06

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 05/10/2024 09:58

Stop looking for restaurants, let him go to his Mums as per usual & book yourself a nice spa treat or see a friend or something instead & get takeaway in the evening with your husband - you've fallen into a bit of a poor me trap and it's within your power to make the day different and enjoyable for yourself ... go do it & I hope you have a lovely day

Gladicalled · 05/10/2024 09:57

I mean this gently Op, but it like you must on some level get something out of this.

You know it’s ruined. You know he can’t be arsed. You don’t want to go to lunch with his mum but are putting all the effort into making it happen anyway.

You wouldn’t be doing that if there wasn’t a benefit to you. It sounds like, on some level, you enjoy being a martyr. But don’t realise it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2024 09:53

It’s been ruined already so stop trying to find a restaurant and tell him you don’t want to have lunch with him. Do something else, anything else.

nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:52

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:49

Not at all
We have our differences of opinion, but we've been married a long time ......

Show quote history

been married a long time doesn’t mean much

read your own op

you asked him to book for your birthday
he didn’t bother
despite you and his mil being far from close, he’s insistent she join
and the here you are… day before your birthday, pissed off that you are “having” to ring around to book somewhere because he still can’t be arsed to do it

itsjustbiology · 05/10/2024 09:51

Had a thought about what you said darling and no its not happening
Why not he replies
Because I don't want to you reply
End of conversation

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:49

nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:47

OP

i am guessing this issue aside, your marriage is far from happy and thriving.

Ok, so you and dh go out alone. I’m imagining silence and tension.

Not at all
We have our differences of opinion, but we've been married a long time ......

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:47

OP

i am guessing this issue aside, your marriage is far from happy and thriving.

Ok, so you and dh go out alone. I’m imagining silence and tension.

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:47

category12 · 05/10/2024 09:41

Do you disike his mother?

Lets just say I'm not keen to spend time with her. I understand that families are important, and we spend a lot of time taking her to visit her grand daughter who lives a four hour drive away and has just had a baby. So many things have become complicated as now we have to factor in "grandma" as she is unable to use public transport, and I accept that. It's just the fact that it's MY birthday and that rather than have lunch wth her on HIS birthday (last week) he wants to include her in my celebration, and eat into the time we have as a couple, which is reduced at the moment as we have jobs with timetables that mean we often don't see each other for more than an hour or two in the evening.
My own family are in a different country and my closest friends are away at the moment, and where we live there's not really anywhere nice for me to go out on my own.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 05/10/2024 09:47

Agree...he can take his mum out any time.

Is he embarrassed that you don't ever go for Sunday lunch with her?

Is he trying to reassure her/force a dynamic between you?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/10/2024 09:41

Good God, no, no, no!!
He can take his Mother out but why on your birthday. Feck that, wish them all the best and take yourself off for a nice massage instead.

category12 · 05/10/2024 09:41

Do you disike his mother?

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:39

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

Unfortunately not : where we live it is very hard to find a decent restaurant which is not fully booked weeks ahead.
I've just spent a fruitless half an hour researching and contacting three nice restaurants...... all of which are fully booked, because it's for tomorrow (it's not as if he knew in advance my birthday was on a Sunday this year.......).
Actually,it is my fault : I should have booked somewhere nice for two several weeks ago - that would have stopped him inviting his mother, but I had actually suggested that we could go away for the weekend and he only told me we wouldn't be going away last Wednesday.
The problem is that it makes me look like a witch if I refuse to let his mother tag along as he usually goes to hers for Sunday lunch (on his own, since I have refused to go since the kids left home).

OP posts:
category12 · 05/10/2024 09:37

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

It's part of the point, isn't it?

It's such a small effort yet he can't be arsed to do it for her birthday.

MaryShelley1818 · 05/10/2024 09:36

Well I wouldn't take it out on his mother, who you describe as an elderly widow but I really value our family relationships. You may have a different dynamic.
I'd enjoy a meal out all 3 of you and then book a nice meal out for the 2 of you later next week. Surely the more celebrations the better.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 09:35

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

I think it's her DH's insistence that his mother should be invited that she is most annoyed about.

Fraaahnces · 05/10/2024 09:34

Oh dear.., such a pity you could only find two seats at Pizza Express/Mc Donald’s for Him and his Mummy. You will have to go out somewhere lovely with a friend and make an entire day of it - maybe stay over.

GreyBlackLove · 05/10/2024 09:34

You'd be unreasonable to actually do it. Take a step back and ask yourself what's the problem with deciding you don't fancy lunch for three, and instead you want to meet a friend/ take yourself out to lunch/ go to the cinema / have a coffee, cake and wander round the shops / get your fill of a local museum etc.

Yes, it sounds like he's a lazy shit and I'd warn you that if he treats his mum like an afterthought to be dealt with by other people you shouldn't expect any different BUT that doesn't mean you have to go along with it

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

Gladicalled · 05/10/2024 09:32

He can insist all he wants. Tell him no.

Screamingabdabz · 05/10/2024 09:32

Lemonadeand · 05/10/2024 09:26

Just tell him you want your birthday lunch to be just the two of you. And add that it’s so important to you to keep a bit of romance, intimacy and connection alive in a marriage. I find men generally hear and understand what you’re saying better when there is an underlying hint of possible sex.

Edited

Ugh. Why go to all that appeasing bollocks just to avoid having lunch with the MIL?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 05/10/2024 09:31

If you didn't think your mum had to go to his birthday meal then his mum doesn't need to come to yours

Noseybookworm · 05/10/2024 09:31

You don't have to a) ring round and book somewhere (why can't DH do that?)

or b) have a birthday lunch with your DH and MIL if you don't want to, you can go for lunch with a friend/family if you want to.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 09:29

Does your DH think that having his mother there will be a treat for you?

It's your birthday meal and if you are doing the organising, just book for 2.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/10/2024 09:27

@CoffeenWalnut just dont book anywhere then! I would be a martyr under these circumstances! my hubby expected me to book for my birthday last year until i gave him short shrift!

GalaticalFarce · 05/10/2024 09:27

If you don't want to do it then don't. I'd organise the birthday lunch for 3 on another day and say "this is to celebrate both of our birthdays" and do something else for your own birthday.

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