MY birthday / HIS mother

Word of warning @CoffeenWalnut this is a slippery slope, he will want his mother to move in next! Of course she shouldn't come as well. How ridiculous and annoying. You need to tell him no way, and mean it (and stick to it!)

It'd super annoying but can't you do both? Birthday lunch for 3 and then he cooks a lovely meal with some nice wine another day.

I dont understand, so his birthday was last week and you didn't arrange anything for him, like going out for lunch with his mother but you are pissed off you have to arrange your own meal and his mum is coming along? Seems double standard unless I'm misreading.

Simply, this.

It seems to be his way of shovelling 'the wimmins' into one emotional duty chore, not respecting you as an individual.

I was actually quite on your side to begin with, but less so as the thread has gone on. You sound so resentful and disdainful of an elderly woman. And I’m guessing it’s a very common occurrence in real life. Sounds like if you had made the effort a bit more to even occasionally see her your husband wouldn’t be bringing her to see you for your birthday lunch.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming, and that information would definitely be relevant to opinions on this from the get go, then I just think so sound a bit mean.

no
just dont do it

You don't sound horrible. He can help his elderly mother - it sounds like you both do - but could have kept one day of the year just for you. And I'd be especially salty about him not taking her on HIS birthday... It's a way of making her your responsibility.

I would firmly organise something that shows you won't stand for it - you've been married a long time so will best know what this is. 🙂

Oh god, how appeasing!

so distasteful! 🤢

It's just the fact that it's MY birthday and that rather than have lunch wth her on HIS birthday (last week) he wants to include her in my celebration

What’s his justification for this?

Book somewhere nice for 2 people for your birthday meal.
Book somewhere else/ same place for the following weekend for 3 people to celebrate both your birthdays.
It'll take 10 minutes to book somewhere you really like , no one is excluded , you've simply reorganised when they are included.

Couldn't you go out tonight for a nice dinner and he does Sunday lunch with his mother tomorrow? You could celebrate in the morning, or book yourself a facial, spa day or something to enjoy the day. I appreciate you'd want him to do something but don't let your day be ruined because of him.

@thursdaymurderclub I don't think she's being horrible. He has 364 days of the year to take his mum out and do whatever. She is allowed one night with just her husband.

If she is near 90 she will probably become more dependent. My DM has just hit 90 had a few illnesses in the last couple of months, which a few years ago would have had very little impact on her, but have hit her confidence more than anything and her mobility has suffered, so is much more dependent on us now.

Not saying he should have invited her to your birthday lunch which you have to organise, but she may need more help.

How long has the Sunday lunch thing been happening?

He doesn't get to insist.

Do what you want.

I mean that all sounds fair enough tbh he sounds nice and caring. But he should still have sorted it out so she was there for his birthday.

He should be booking somewhere nice for the two of you. You're right his mum should be at his birthday not yours.

Well I wouldn't book anywhere, problem solved. Go out with a friend.

you sound horrible to be honest.. she's 90 and she's quite right, she might not be around that much longer and can you blame his son for wanting to take care of her?

So you were hoping he was going to take you away for the weekend and you only found out on Wednesday that this was not happening? Why? was somethig planned and things fell through? Do you not communcate in your marriage, have a conversation something like.. 'my birthday is coming up, i'd like to do something nice' or did you sit in silence with the expectation that he would pull something out of the hat as a surprise for you? whats happened every other birthday you have had? is this a special one?

Have you considered that HIS mother might want to treat you for your birthday?

Personally, for me, its no big deal! its another birthday! unless its a big one, its just another day!

Let him arrange to go out with his mother; you arrange to go out with someone who you want to go out with and will devote their time and attention to your event.

Show him your boundaries.

I totally agree. It's a done deal now and it would be really unkind to tell his mother that she can't come at this late stage. I would however be having words with my DH. He should absolutely have asked you first. In our household we usually celebrated birthdays with a "family" meal out (which would include mum or MIL) and then one for just me and DH.

But you shouldn't have to do that?

How old is she? Can he do lunch with her today and you do your birthday meal tomorrow? Can you never do something different on a Sunday?

Frankly mil was amazing so I would have loved to do this.

Its a conversation to have with your dh about how it makes you feel unappreciated and spell out what you want from him. It's OK to not like what he chose to do.