MY birthday / HIS mother

The problem is that he's a "dutiful son" and can see her becoming more and more dependant and needy as the months go by..........

brace yourself then if you’re complaining about a lunch.
as someone married to a dutiful son whose brother wasn’t I can only say that I’m glad I married the brother that I did. The care he gave me his father when he was dying and then the 7 months following his death in which his mother deteriorated and died was second to none, on top of his job, and made me love him more. I couldn’t resent time spent with his parents when their lives were ending.

so, he didn't invite her to HIS birthday, but expects her to be invited to yours. that's off. he wants his birthday to be about him, but yours to be about her. and it's not even like you get on, which makes it more unreasonable.

the whole it might be the last year seems to start in their 60’s and never end till it is the last 🤣 not that 60 is old on here though it’s Middle Aged lol

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
If it’s bothering you that much don’t do it. That said it’s a couple of hours of your life with the person you love and their mother. Don’t you like her? If you were in her position I’m sure you’d really appreciate the invite.

"The problem is he's a 'dutiful son' " Wow.

The number of mums on here who would wish their own sons would grow up to care about them half as much, tbh.

I'm not saying you need to share your birthday lunch with her, I was actually on your side until this bit.

Stop trying to sort out your own birthday lunch, tell him to do it or just accept you won't be going out on your birthday.

Exactly! people really don't think about what this means for the marriage as a whole. This is a post from someone who has concluded the marriage is over.

Are we reading different replies?

If it's just a birthday and not that important, why would anyone worry about death? It's just a death, it's not that important.

And the people who say “ she might not be around much longer” remember that has been the case for at least 10 years now !

Just do what he did.,nothing…

Honestly I'd find a restaurant and book it for 2 and let him take his mother out alone. Then I would go for a browse around the shops myself, buy myself something nice and have a nice high street cafe lunch and glass of wine while reading a book .

Ye gods why the hell should she? It’s not her mum and she doesn’t much like the woman. Plus last time I looked men also had fingers for dialling numbers, phones for finding restaurants and brains for, you know, thinking? He should have seen his mum another time and be doing something with the OP that she might actually enjoy.

Why is the default response for a man behaving like a senseless arse to blame the woman for not thinking ahead and putting schemes in place to safeguard against senseless arse behaviour?

Yes, a lot of advice on MN seems to come from the idea that marriage ought to be about retaliation and counter-retaliation.

"The hell with communication - do the thing to your partner that upset you, but harder! That'll make things better!"

If you were able to say 'no' and be more assertive you would be less resentful of the MIL. You can say to your DH you understand that he wishes his mother to be there but you would like just you and him for your birthday and to see his mum another time. If he refuses to accept that then you can say it's a shame because you would have like to do lunch with him but that you will do something else instead then. No need for any drama or mean comments about the MIL. He can't make you go out for lunch with his mother any more than you can make him go out to lunch with you.

You dont want to do this, there are no places available, so just tell him, nowhere was free, I'd like to do x instead. Or I'd like you dear husband go buy x and wrap x and get me a card and cook me a meal. Or whatever it is you would prefer.

And next year on his birthday expend as much energy as he has and wait for him to tell you what he wants. This is the new normal.

Hello OPs MIL, hope you have a lovely lunch.

Honestly why can’t he just go to his mum’s for lunch as usual and then you guys go out another time/ get a M&S meal deal/ takeaway?

How some people get themselves into this situation is absolutely beyond me, surely you just say “Babe you go to your mums as usual then can you book something for next week just us/ order a take away/ go to M&S on the way back?”. No being a witch. If he pushes lunch for 3 just say you really don’t fancy it and would prefer to do something else, ad infinitum”. Don’t be ringing round trying to book something you don’t even want to do, that’s ridiculous.

Your replies are horrible, I can't see any reason for you to dislike this elderly lady. The way you comment about her is awful. She was there before you and will always be more important than you. It's just a birthday, she might not even be around for that much longer.

As opposed to a marriage with a man who can't be bothered with putting in any effort for his wife or his mothers birthday which is... what she has already?

His birthday was first? So why didn’t you get in first and book a table last week for his birthday with his mother? That would have left you free this weekend and to be honest you should’ve booked the weekend away so it was in the diary.

Just because mil is old, it doesn't follow that OP should effectively put her own life on hold to constantly include mil - she could live for a decade or more. Is the OP supposed to never be a priority within her own marriage?

It sounds to me like the dh is spending so much time running around after his mum and including her in everything they do, that he has no time or emotional energy left for his wife. But mil could live for a long time and meanwhile, what's left of OP's good health and time could be sucked into being constantly available to mil.
It does breed resentment, especially if you've spent years raising kids, building financial security and we're looking forward to some relaxing 'couple' focussed years, to travel etc.

Just because mil is old, it doesn't mean she's a sweet old lady either. Old people can be the same puts people they were when young, just older! Who knows what mil is like as a person.

All those with the 'YOU ARE HORRIBLE! HIS POOR MOTHER! WHY DONT YOU VISIT HER?!!!'.
Are you interested at all in finding out how involved the dh is in his in laws.... or does that not matter as this is clearly 'wife work' task?!

This! @thursdaymurderclub how horrible do you consider the son for not including his dm on his birthday?..

If nowhere you want to go is available for tomorrow, then you message him to say sorry, he’s left it too late. No tables for tomorrow, he will have to come up with a different plan.

is there somewhere you could go out for the day you’d find interesting? Train to nearest city and an art gallery or museum? or down to the coast? Just make a plan for yourself and tell him he can cook for your mil as he’s decided against doing anything for your birthday.

Honestly I’d end up ordering in a nice curry or Chinese and getting a nice bottle of wine.

He can take his mum out if he wants too. But I’d be celebrating my birthday eating food I want with who I want or alone. I wouldn’t be sorting it for someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

The problem is that it makes me look like a witch if I refuse to let his mother tag along as he usually goes to hers for Sunday lunch (on his own, since I have refused to go since the kids left home).

No it really doesn't. You can have one week out of the year where your husband does something with you without including MIL. You do yourself no favours playing into that narrative - it's not witch-like at all. So ask for what you want, make it clear it's not negotiable and then don't worry about what others think. YANBU.